OUR politics is entering uncharted territory. In one day, a Presidential candidate wishes his putative opponent good luck in the coming elections and hopes that the campaign will be peaceful, and another unleashes his supporters on his political opponents resulting in several smashed heads and a number of people needing stitches.
You couldn’t make this up, but it’s true: the first is President ED Mnangagwa, who took to Twitter to congratulate his youthful opponent’s forced ascent to the MDC leadership. The second is of course “His Excellency the Ngwazi”, the Advocate, the Man of God, Dr Nero Himself or, as his supporters like to call him, Wamba dia Wamba.
The election itself will of course be a walkover, the boy is out of his depth. He is flailing, and the resort to violence and lies is meant to plug the ability and credibility gap: it won’t. I mean, you have to be spectacularly stupid to think that people will buy what you are selling when you claim: “the diamonds are not finished, God is just hiding them until l am President.” Like, dude, are you for real right now?
If your economic plan is “Trump offered me $15 billion,” and your qualification for the job is the nebulous “generational mandate” that you base on your being 40 years old, and your confidence about our prosperity under your Presidency is that “#Godisinit” then no Sir, there is no way you win an election. It’s a country, not a toy, the citizens know this and they are never going to trust their fate in the hands of such immaturity.
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The challenge for us, given how he is, will Chamisa accept defeat when (not if) he loses the Presidential election?
Because our country just cannot afford another contested election result. We need to be able to re-engage with the world following the events of the past and trust in our processes is key.
Reason would say he must lose: the boy talks about his victory in one breath, fixing the economy in 14 days in the next, building bullet trains in between and then anonymously “leaks” his misogynistic “shadow cabinet” showing the list of mostly men that will help him run the country (no Welshman, no Khupe, not even his new BFF Vimbai Musvaburi).
But we have heard this song before. In 2013, Morgan Tsvangirai (God rest his soul) spent Election Day talking up his chances on social media, then started singing a different tune when reality bit.
You go around promising bullet trains to people that just want to be able to withdraw their money from the bank and you wonder why they didn’t vote for you? There are pills for that sort of thing.
But Chamisa can’t do the same, surely. He cannot complain about an uneven playing field when he clearly has been given a mile-long leeway: he clearly incited violence in Buhera so much so that even his colleagues wanted him arrested, but the ZRP did not do anything. MDC goons sing of Wamba dia Wamba when they attack people, but he is not touched. MDC officials speak freely on the ZBC news, how can he cry of an uneven playing field?
Truth is there is no Zanu-PF to blame this time. Both President ED and the Zanu-PF chairperson Cde Muchinguri have repeatedly asked their members to shun violence. In fact, the only pre-election violence that we have witnessed is Chamisa’s so-called “Vanguard” — black-shirted young men following a short man with a God delusion, who thinks that the old people have ruined his country. . . if this reminds you of someone, you are right! Chilling.
As if traipsing all the way to the US to ask for sanctions was not enough, the boy deploys his lackeys to attack anyone that dares question the process and methods. Catriona Laing wears a Zimbabwe scarf to Downing Street to represent our country, and tell them that Zimbabwe is open for business and she gets attacked like she committed treason. Apparently, it’s a junta scarf? Do these people even know what “junta” means?
When you point to a certain Trudy Stevenson wearing West African dress as the (MDC-appointed) Ambassador to Senegal, you are called an “EDiot”. When you decry the unconstitutionality of the boy’s power grab you are called a Zanu-PF apologist and jealous of Nelson Wamba dia Wamba Chamisa.
They forget the wisdom of old: “Muchapembedza mimba yekiti seinokamwa mukaka,” because their whole project is a rejection of anyone and anything over 40. Wisdom, it seems, has no place in Wamba dia Wamba’s MDC.
In order to be President, constitutionally one needs to be over 40 years old. But listening to their rhetoric you would be forgiven for thinking that that is the only requirement. His apologists point to France’s Emmanuel Macron.
But they conveniently forget that Macron was a highly successful banker who had had very high office in cabinet before running for President. And crucially, he started his own party, rather than wait for two deaths in order to get ahead.
I am not suggesting that Dr Nero should start his own party, but I just think that one needs to have done something in life in order to be President. Or, better yet, to have made some mistakes and learnt from them. Experience is the best teacher. And being President is like professional sport, you don’t learn it by reading about it.
So the choice we are being given becomes clear as elections draw close: an excitable youngster, who thinks that this is all some generational joke and the presidency a toy, or a seasoned politician who has already started to show us how much potential we have as a people. It is a choice between a boy, whose blackshirt guards go around beating up old people and calling Ndebeles dissidents, and a man that has brought the true meaning of independence to our hearts after 37 years of hurt.
A choice between a toddler promising people bullet trains and a President who, upon being asked for laptops by a courageous young student on a school visit, delivered within weeks.
They will crucify me for saying this and l certainly won’t get on no bullet train to Ngundu, but, on the evidence of both candidates’ actions since November 18, 2017, #EDhasMyVote.
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AFFAIRS AND HOW TO RECOVER FROM IT
Adultery: Affairs and how to recover from it
A sexual relationship with a person(s) who isn’t your spouse is Adultery. This relationship could be emotional or not. An emotional affair with anyone who isn’t your spouse is also adultery in a more concealed form. This happens when a person turns to someone else usually of the opposite sex outside of their marriage for primary emotional support (e.g talking about financial difficulty, facing esteem issues etc.). This is more harmful than physical adultery.
Ladies and Gentlemen, at this point, i’d like to mention that if you have a married friend who you support emotionally, you are doing more harm than good to them and if you were honest to yourself, you should know that this isn’t your duty.
Marriage infidelity is now common among both sexes and after speaking to numerous clients who have either cheated or were cheated on, these six points below are some of the reasons most affairs happened.
- Little or no communication leading to distancing
- Lack of trust for a partner
- Unresolved conflict that is allowed to go on for too long
- Lack of value for a partner
- Expectations that were unrealistic pre-marriage
- Sudden financial worries.
- Retaliation or Revenge Affairs
All these needs that are unfulfilled will definitely look for satisfaction somewhere else. Couples, marriages are more at risk these days than ever and it’s important that you set wise boundaries with friends, colleagues etc. Most affairs started off as well meaning friendships but slowly evolved undetected until that first kiss, touch, groping, sexual thought or sex. Infidelity i have also noticed stems from childhood. Children who were deprived emotionally grow up seeking for constant attention and validation. These children grow to become adults who place unrealistic demands on their spouse. They feel let down if their spouse can’t fulfill this craving and then they look for attention outside of marriage.
Most clients caught up in adultery whom i have spoken to believed this was a quest where they were seeking for real love. At the end, it only turned out that for 80% of them, it was just a desire to feel better about themselves.
Retaliation or revenge like i mentioned earlier is one of the fast rising “star-reasons” many especially women are having affairs. On the flip side, many men begin affairs once money or their power positions increase because suddenly their sense of entitlement to life’s pleasures also increase. There are many reasons adultery occurs in marriages but it is overall a self-centered decision. A decision that is poised to satisfy selfish desires and sadly comes with a lot of deception.
There is good news and i want to tell you that even after YOU have cheated on your spouse or had been cheated upon by your better half both can still heal.
ITS TIME FOR YOU TO HEAL
It mustn’t always end in divorce because what is the guarantee that the next relationship won’t have a repeat. I have seen cases where people who were hurt in previous relationship start to unknowingly self-sabotage themselves by triggering a series of abusive relationships after their first terrible experience.Healing after infidelity is not impossible. More and more couples are enduring the difficult healing process making intentional attempts to restore their marriages.
- The magic question. A very hard question to ask especially by the partner who has been wronged. However, the moment you ask this magic question “Why did you cheat on me?”, it suddenly balances you (the offended) out and in most cases creates an healthy environment for the adulterer to express themselves. This stage begins to show you how and where things went wrong and the part everyone played in the process. It’s a tough first step but it’s doable. Marriages that have stood the test of time have been able to learn this one skill. Haven’t you ever wondered why some of ya’ll mother’s still remained with your father’s despite everything the “rolling stone” was getting up to? However,if you and your partner cannot initiate this step, then this is the point to seek out a really good counselor around you who can help you navigate through the emotional labyrinth.
- “Truthful and Accountable” become watchwords. It’s one thing to have been truthful enough to tell your spouse the reason you cheated on them but it’s another thing to become accountable. Accountability simply says “I am sorry for what i did and i’m making sure i put things in place to help me stick to my promises of faithfulness”. This for most offended partners is more important than the “I’m Sorry’s” At this point, i urge you to avoid trying to initiate anything sexual but concentrate on building trust through care and validation.
- Enrich & Restore. This is what i call “The Emotion Eraser”. Something bad has happened and it’s fresh on the recipient’s mind. How do you replace this? Simply look for a way to remind the offended about the good things about your relationship. If they still are not talking to you, you can do it through cards, a whatsapp message(if you haven’t been blocked ), an sms, flowers with notes on them). This process is a humbling one that involves learning new skills that will make the bond between partners strong again.
You were the faithful one in this relationship, you gave it everything you had, your partner was everything to you until they messed it all up. Will i ever trust again?(Yes you will), where do i even start from?(you are reading this so you have started already). There is a sequence i noticed when counseling clients who their partners cheated on.
For the faithful one who was let down, these are the phases they go through:
- The Denial and Shock Phase. They do not want to believe that Jeff was unfaithful after EVERYTHING they invested including themselves. Julie, why Julie ? oh my lawd! they cannot believe either that Julie could run game on them.Most clients look for opportunities to even prove that their spouse may NOT actually be cheating even with all the facts they already have regarding their activities.
- The Stage of Fury/Anger. It is now obvious that you have been violated. You hate your spouse, you feel like a fool, hurt is all so evident and now you resent them heavily. This stage is important because if the resentment isn’t dealt with, time may heal the hurt but not the resentment.
- The Recoil Stage. At this point, the faithful partner rather than face the true situation and how deeply it affects them begins to figure out ways to protect themselves from more hurt. This is not a solution but a self preserving move. It’s not in your best interest to withdraw or recoil rather you should move out and attack the feeling that you have been let down because the faster you do this, the faster you heal.
- The Mourning Stage. You already know that the infidelity hit your relationship badly and rocked your safe boat. Now you are mourning the loss of your former relationship before the unfaithful spouse shook it all up. It’s the healthiest stage and you deserve your time to mourn it. For many, this stage involves a temporary separation, moving out of the matrimonial home for a while, staying with a friend etc. If you hurt your partner and they request for this, do NOT oblige but simply make sure they will be comfortable and safe where they will be staying. Above all, try your best to ensure that it’s somewhere you can at least reach a third party to know how they are faring.
- Stage of Acceptance. What is done is done and you have now come to terms with the infidelity, all it’s effects on you and the relationship. Now you are willing to move past it either with or without the unfaithful spouse. This is what i call “The Mo(u)rning After”.
We are all made up differently and for most of us, the way we experience these stages would differ from person to person. My job as a counselor is to recognize the stage the client is currently in, be sensitive to it and then guide them them through the process NOT advice them through which is the point most counselors get it wrong.
The “Mourning Process” is the point every one who has been cheated on MUST get to before they start thinking of taking any actions. It is the point of clarity and dire mistakes are made by people who were cheated on because they took rash/illogical decisions before getting to this point.
Many clients want to end the relationship but my advice is separation for some time to allow both spouses the emotional space and time to process their own thoughts and feelings. When i advice clients to separate for a week(s),month etc. after an infidelity incidence, the ultimate aim is always to allow the couples to reestablish trust as well as rebuild their friendship.
At this point, it’s important to mention that if after you separate from your spouse momentarily due to infidelity, you need to take note of every reason that makes you want to go back to them even before your healing process is completed because those reasons are very important and point to deeper personal issues we need to deal with (e.g Money worries, Missing Sex, Feeling Empty, Feeling insecure being outside, Fear of loosing them completely to the other woman/man).
After cheating on your partner, do not EVER think that sex and gifts will make up for this because they don’t. However, if your partner becomes fine when you do offer these, i suspect you may have bigger problems to deal with than you are aware of. – Temple Obike
You were the Unfaithful Spouse? Hmm, this is for you;
Everything here is not to judge you but simply to equip you because after you said “i’m sorry” i could bet you that if the same circumstances that led to your infidelity presented themselves AGAIN in a different country, different scenario etc. You may still do it again. So please read below and learn.
- If you are talking to a counselor or your spouse, you need to detail every step that led you into having this affair, GB whatsapp, Whatsapp for business, secret email, names saved on your device as aliases, where you met up, how you met etc. The reason you are doing this is simple. The more information you give out on this, the more accountable you become to your spouse because your spouse or counselor can identify those steps if you start slipping again and put you in order.
- NEVER think that it will be easy to cut off the relationship with the side-chick or side-guy. They are humans too and most humans will pursue when they feel the embers of your love (sorry lust) dying down.
- You MUST invest time in your spouse to enable you realign and bond with them. One of the most painful things after you cheat on a spouse is the part where you must remain accountable (you become a child again). You goofed after you were given freedom so now you have to personally submit your freedom to them in a strange way. You need to tell them where you are, who you were with, when you will be done with your activities,have a pass wordless phone in some severe cases etc.
- This entire healing process MUST not be forced by you because that by itself is a selfish-process. The same process that put you in this smelly, half-sunk boat you are in. Instead of concentrating on the time it’s taking, concentrate on developing new healthy commitments to understand yourself and your partner on a deeper level.
- Tell the hurting one that you are not only sorry about what you did or because you got caught BUT rather, you are sorry for destroying the amazing thing “trust” both of you had. That is why you are asking for forgiveness and looking to restore the depth of the love you had.
Now that both the hurting and unfaithful spouse both know what to do, Here are some things i believe both of you need to apply yourselves to during this fight to overcome adultery and all it’s effects.
BOTH OF YOU NEED TO DO THIS:
- The one who cheated MUST not contact the person they cheated with.
- The one who cheated MUST do everything within their power to get back your spouses trust.
- The one who cheated MUST be transparent, 100% honest and shouldn’t have any aspect of your movements/life that is off-limits to inquiry.
- The one who was hurt must commit to the entire tough process of forgiveness because the unfaithful spouse MAY loose hope of ever getting you back if it seems you are NOT willing to forgive them(yes i know you may just be doing it to make them suffer more before finally agreeing to participate but understand that this could easily have been you on the other side too. Everyone has a price, just pray that circumstance never touch your price)
- BOTH of you need to understand that though forgiveness is necessary, your reconciliation MUST be based on true repentance- some may never be able to heal.
- BOTH of you MUST commit to working with a professional (a pastor, an imam OR a counselor) YOU TRUST. This will help you recognize the patterns in your communication that led to the affair and block it in the future.
As always, i hope this piece helped someone somewhere. An affair doesn’t always spell doom to a marriage or relationship but can be navigated. Knowledge they say is power but i say in it’s right application lies real mastery.
Written by Obike Temple
For more information on relationship related issues and to schedule an appointment with “Temple’s Counsel” visit our counseling page, chat us up via our website or send a whatsapp message to +2347066663071. Appointments are scheduled within 24 hours.
EFF demands the sacking of South Africa’s finance minister Nene.
South Africa’s political players are headed for a collision course over the fate of the finance minister, who the Treasury on Tuesday said is traveling to Indonesia for an International Monetary Fund (IMF) meeting.