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What’s your favorite sex position? That’s the first question I ask women on dates, which is why all of my dates end after one question. There are so many great sex positions to choose from: missionary, cowgirl, doggystyle, the butter churner, the wheelbarrow, the pretzel. There’s even sex positions inspired by the epic fantasy series Game of Thrones, if you’re interested in “bending the knee” (and I know you are).
However, there’s one sex position a lot of guys don’t like: when the woman’s on top. I mean, we want women to be on top, like, in general. Smash that glass ceiling! We just don’t want you to be on top in the bedroom. So leave that glass ceiling in the bedroom in perfect condition. No smashing! Especially while we’re smashing. Don’t smash while we smash. Got it? Cool.
Here are nine things guys secretly hate about sex with the woman on top:
1. His penis might snap.
Yes, penis snapping is a thing. It’s also known as “penile fracture,” “broken dick” or “OWWWWWWW WHAT THE F—K?!” See, much like the Internet, a penis is a series of tubes. When a man gets aroused, blood rushes into the tubes, making his penis hard. But what, if like Anakin Skywalker, the erect penis experiences the wrong “force”? Say, if it hits the woman’s perineum? No, that’s not a flower. It’s the area between her anus and vulva. And trust me – it does not smell like a flower. Anyway, if the dude hits the wrong place while thrusting, it can result in pressure overload. The supporting tissue can’t take it, and there’s a rupture. A doctor in a Men’s Health article compares it to “sticking in a pin in a blown up balloon.” (Yeesh.) And what is the most likely sex position, in which this secario could happen? When the woman’s on top.
2. Hair gets in his mouth.
If a woman got long hair, and doesn’t tie it back, it causes a ton of problems. Her hair tickles the guy’s face, making him laugh. Her hair gets in his mouth, grossing him out. Her hair pokes his eyeballs, making him cringe. This is why nobody wants to bone Rapunzel.
3. He’s in a vulnerable position.
When the woman’s on top, she’s in the position of power. She can do whatever she wants, and what if she wants to murder you? What if she wants to rob you? What if she’s crazy? To quote George Carlin, “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” I’m so stupid I thought that quote helped my argument!
4. He can’t see dat ass.
To quote one of America’s greatest poets, Sir Mix-A-Lot: “I like big butts and I cannot lie / You other brothers can’t deny / That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist / And a round thing in your face You get sprung.” If the girl’s on top, the man can’t see her round thing, and he’ll never get sprung! Never!
5. He gets elbowed in the chest.
When the woman’s on top, she might try to get leverage by pushing against the man’s chest. And what if she has bony elbows? The man’s chest will be bruised, and when he goes to the beach and his friends ask what happened, he’ll have to lie and say, “I fell down some stairs.” And what if she pushes his chest with her hands? That’s like CPR, and there’s nothing sexy about CPR. I took a class once. Those CPR dummies were fours at best.
6. It messes up the rhythm.
Since guys are used to being on top, they’re used to setting the pace. They’ve got the rhythm down. It’s like a beautiful song by Beyoncé. But the woman’s not used to being on top. She might not be able to set the pace, and it’ll screw up the rhythm. It will be like Beyoncé’s kids, Blue Ivy, Sir and Umi running around the house banging pots and pans. Not romantic.
7. She wants to grind instead of the old ‘in and out.’
There’s three things all women like: Disney princesses, chocolate ice cream and grinding. If the woman’s on top, she’s just going to want to grind, because it gives her ladyparts clap emojiis. But guys don’t get ecstasy from grinding – they get ecstasy from going in and out. Grinding and in-and-out just don’t mix. It’s like Spider-Man joining the Justice League.
8. He’s going to make a mess on himself.
Here’s the most disgusting physics question ever: If the woman’s on top, and the man finishes, based on their positions, where is the fluid going to go? Consult the laws of spermodynamics, and you’ll find the answer: Right on the man’s stomach, and it might even dribble into his belly button, if he’s an innie. That’s just gross. Meanwhile, when the man’s on the top, the mess just gets on the woman. Everybody wins.
9. His head might slam into the headboard.
If the woman gets too excited while “riding the dragon,” the man’s head might slam into the headboard. That’s no fun. Nobody wants a concussion. What am I, an NFL player?
That’s nine air-tight reasons why the woman should never be on top during sex. Actually, we probably only needed one reason, the penis snapping one. That still gives me nightmares. Anyway, if you want to find out what the most popular sex positions is, check out this article.
More than 70 million displaced worldwide, says UNHCR
The number of people fleeing war, persecution and conflict exceeded 70 million globally last year – the highest number in the UN refugee agency’s almost 70 years.
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The almost 70.8 million people forcibly displaced is up 2.3 million on the previous year, according to the agency’s annual Global Trends report.
This is also double the level recorded 20 years ago.
The number averaged out to 37,000 new displacements every day.
“What we are seeing in these figures is further confirmation of a longer-term rising trend in the number of people needing safety from war, conflict and persecution,” said UN High Commissioner for Refugees Filippo Grandi.
“While language around refugees and migrants is often divisive, we are also witnessing an outpouring of generosity and solidarity, especially by communities who are themselves hosting large numbers of refugees.
The actual figure is likely to be higher as the Venezuela crisis is only partly reflected, the report states.
Around four million Venezuelans have fled their country, according to some figures from countries taking them in, making it one of the world’s biggest recent displacement crises.
The report identifies three main groups.
Firstly, there are refugees, or people forced to leave their country because of conflict, war or persecution. In 2018, the number of refugees reached 25.9 million worldwide, 500,000 more than in 2017. Included in this total are 5.5 million Palestine refugees.
The second group is 3.5 million asylum seekers. These are people outside their country of birth who are under international protection, but are yet to be granted refugee status.
Thirdly, there are internally displaced persons, or IDPs. These people are displaced within their country and amount to 41.3 million globally.
More than two thirds of all refugees worldwide came from Syria, Afghanistan, South Sudan, Myanmar and Somalia.
Syria had a considerably higher number than any other country with 6.7 million, followed by Afghanistan with 2.7 million.
Only 92,400 refugees were resettled in 2018, fewer than 7% of those awaiting resettlement.
The global population of forcibly displaced people has grown substantially from 43.3 million in 2009. Most of this increase was between 2012 and 2015 as a result of the Syrian conflict.
However, other conflicts have cropped up and continued across the globe, for example, in Iraq and Yemen in the Middle East, as well as parts of sub-Saharan Africa such as the Democratic Republic of the Congo and South Sudan.
The massive flow of Rohingya refugees to Bangladesh at the end of 2017 after they were driven out of Myanmar’s Rakhine state during military crackdowns was another major crisis.
At more than 1.5 million, Ethiopians were the largest newly displaced population in 2018, 98% of them internally, more than doubling the previous number.
These were mainly attributed to inter-communal violence throughout 2018, with communities living along disputed boundaries most affected.
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