MENTAL HEALTH
Double Lives: I Become Something Else By Night – by Temple Obike
Today’s episode of let’s talk is, “ I become something else by night”. As a psychotherapist and counselor, you sometimes come across clients whose cases might challenge every ounce of critical thinking skills you may think you possess. This is usually the reason a level of open-mindedness is required on this path. One day you are speaking to everyday individuals or a couple trying to fix their lives for the better and the next you are live with a successful individual on an obvious path to self-outage. This episode is not the easiest for me but i’d like to thank everyone whose cases i will be using to teach others today.
This is our free advisory service giving answers to individuals whose emails we receive on [email protected] All individuals whose questions we answer are protected and remain anonymous but the solution given them is shared here to enable others learn from it. Send your personal, addiction or marriage related worries to the email above and we will try to help. I may not be able to answer every question but you can visit our blog for materials on relationships, marriage and addictions or call +2348109055475 to book a session with Temple Obike.
Hi Temple,
I am -, born to Egyptian and Saudi parents. I am a banker in – (the emirates) and manage a branch to one of the top banks in-country. I am married with – children and my husband is a caring and loving father. My issue started in 2014 during a holiday in Greece. My husband and children came with me and on one of the days i went out with my kids to buy some groceries. I saw a bar where a couple of people were gathered and having some drinks and decided i was going to come back that evening with my husband after tucking our kids in since it was just across our hotel. Prior to this period, i’d like to mention that i had a very great upbringing, had – siblings which i took care of, lived a sheltered life and both my parents were professionals, devout Muslims and i had never cheated in my marriage to him. That evening, my husband was neck deep in work and urged me to go out and have fun alone and maybe shop. I went out to the bar had a few drinks and for some inexplicable reason had a quick round of sex with a young man who had taken an interest in me and then to my amazement collected the 30 Euro he gave to me. I earn in 6 digits monthly but still i collected 30 euros. I got back after 2 hours and all was fine. Something changed in me that day Mr Temple.
6 years later, i still have a happy home, an even bigger career but a problem i cannot talk to a professional within my city or in neighboring countries about. I now opt for professional courses internationally a few times every year and every time i travel, i allow myself get picked up at cheap local bars i choose by both male and females for painful sex bouts which i don’t feel guilty about. I always collect the money they pay me and this is never over 50 usd because i never want to go to areas where high earners would come to for the fear of running into someone i know or a client. I would like to know what your thoughts are on this Temple and if there’s a solution.
Temple Say’s –
Well, talking about cupboards filled with skeletons you sure come to mind BUT listen carefully, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. After talking to over 300 individuals (this is sparta), one thing i’ve learnt is that there are no saints here just humans with both good and bad. With this intro out of the way, let’s cut to the chase.
The bigger the career, the greater the pressures and the greater the pressure, the more imperative it is to get a form of release from this pressure (hold the thought). From the original text you sent, the number of siblings you had to play mum to while your parents were working obviously meant you had to grow up fast but even more worthy of note. You had to grow up as the “responsible” big sister. Responsibility is an amazing thing but research also has proven that when trying to groom a child to take up responsibility, they should also be allowed to be children ( A memo most of our parents missed). What then happens is that you have a repressed side that was never exercised because you were always cautious with all the junior eyes watching “big sister’s” every move looking for what to copy. When this happens, either of these two scenarios play out. One, you either become a prude with a knack for correctness Or you develop a shadow personality that becomes the exact opposite of what you project to your spouse, children, friends and colleagues.
If you are a parent that really desires to raise healthy, confident children, NEVER saddle any child with the responsibility of being the one their siblings have to look up to without giving them the opportunity to play HARDER. All you will create is a child whose siblings may come to secretly resent or a closet freak. This is especially worse for females because the guys live in a world that shields them with ludicrous excuses for being guys.
(Back to the matter)…
In your case, all it took to release your shadow self was one moment of being alone without everything else that has always kept you occupied and correct (Husband, kids, career). It was just you, a girl with a drink in her hand and a man with lust on his mind (something you may have imagined at odd times). Now the plot further thickens by collecting the $30 euros. That was your way of telling yourself that this affair was devoid of any form of intimacy with no room for continuity. The release you felt after this encounter was far greater than the guilt. This was the only reason you decided to allow yourself slide into the path. You’ve also devised ways to ensure you never run into anyone within your circles of operation like going for Cheap hotels, cheap fees etc but one thing i’d like to say is this. You can never be too careful. Your only fear now is that your career & home life are great because you know you found an unhealthy way to keep ticking.. Something you know would crash real soon.
My honest advice is that you check into a sex rehabilitation centre around you that can offer you private help because it’s become an addiction and if you haven’t started already, you may soon feel the need to kill the emotional and physical pain through substance abuse. You can recover from this but you need to fight.. That fight might begin with taking a month-long leave from work. After which you can quietly get help, explain what you are going through to your husband or simply mask the reason for your therapy with something else such as improving your general well-being (Which wouldn’t be an all-out lie). On the other hand, if you can’t do it around your current location, i can create a 100-day accountability programme for you. If i can keep you engaged for 100 days, we may break that habit. A last piece of advice, if you have a daughter, don’t be tempted to dote too much on her imperfections all in an attempt to steer her away from what you battle. Stay Strong.
Available on Podcast:
Hi Temple,
I work with one of the top Airlines in the world and a female pilot. I’m of African origin and married with – kids. My family has been something of great pride in times past but i recently had an affair that affected me quite badly and i have not really been able to talk about it. My reason for writing is that in November 2018, my cabin crew and i were invited to a party by some passenger known to my co-pilot and since we all had a full day off in the city, we attended. Things got out of hand after a couple of drinks (spiked of course) as it turned out to be a swinger orgy party and having come alone i ended up having protected sex with two couples. As much as i hate myself for it, more swinger party invitations keep coming and i attend this even though i try to fight it. Every new country or route i land in, i now go to look for swinger groups to join online to enable me easily blend into the closed community. On touch down and concluding my hotel check-in, i usually stay out until early next morning. My life, career and finances has been on a downward spiral and i think i’ll crumble soon.
Two months ago, in the heat of the COVID lock-down, i caught my husband cheating on me but i noticed i didn’t even have the steam to take the arguments the long haul almost like i had lost the zeal to be in my marriage. My energy levels seem to be dropping and I’ve become quite unhappy. I need help Temple.
Temple Say’s –
Firstly, i’d like to say that your line of work is something unique and takes guts to fully function in. You see the world from a perspective many may never be privy to, sitting in that cock-pit day in and day out and seeing our world from such an aesthetic yet amazing angle. So for every time you make it out of yet another ride, i can almost sense the invincibility and great pride you may feel despite the risk this occupation packs. This risk-averse behavior if not looked into could becomes something that spreads into a other aspects of your life.
Going back to the swinger orgies, you never imagined yourself participating in it the night before you first indulged. Simply put it was never pre-meditated but was facilitated by a few drinks that loosened your nerves and an enabler (your colleague). I’m an advocate for people taking responsibility for their actions but i’m also an advocate of understanding why the actions occurred. “Your cabin-crew member was the culprit” because he/she was the plug who knew where the romps were going down. Once you take that person out of the crew OR take yourself to some other crew, this issue you face will almost be eliminated. The other part of the solution would then become you. Will you stop or would you personally go seeking for these conclaves yourself at the expense of your sanity and family. You value your family unit which is why you further explained how it makes you feel. Based on your excerpt above, your first affair left you guilty and resentful of yourself. The orgy further capitalized on an already vulnerable emotion where the lower you sink in guilt, the better you seem to feel.. Like some moral penance or sorts. Snap out of it! If you keep going down that road, your marriage will crumble. The lock-down period pulled you back and helped you face your self. Something you need to be eternally grateful for. You are on the right road to recovery with a little assistance.
I don’t know if you are affiliated to any religion but if you are, go to that entity higher than you and cleanse your soul, then step two is you forgive yourself and lastly, discuss this with your husband if he’s the type not to use it against you but if he is, then address his own infidelity and tell him it’s made you stray. That way you told a half-truth but both of you can then decide how much you still want each other and how strong your love still is. Do let me know how it goes but if you need to talk, i’m here. Stay Strong.
Hey Temple,
I own a massage parlor in one of the busiest cities in Western Africa. I started this business with a loan from the bank in a highbrow area. I’m a graduate from a UK-based University and had 8 years work experience even before i ventured into this so to all intents and purposes, “i was okay” Temple borrowing everyday parlance. Most of my clients are premium, influential and this has guaranteed some pretty good returns on my investments. In April last year, one of my new manicurists accidentally pricked a client who freaked out and all in a bid to quell the situation, we sent her some gifts expressing our appreciation with her patronage and also told her she had nothing to fear as our sets were well sterilized. This seemed to infuriate her even more as she deemed it “too mechanical”. I had to fix a meeting with her to enable me apologize properly. After many attempts to book a meeting, i finally booked a meeting and on getting to her showroom she did not seem angry anymore. She introduced me to friends who were there visiting. After i tried apologizing, she waved it off saying all was ok. She then went ahead to introduce my business to her other friends who gave me their weighty business cards and promising me i had converted them to customers already with my manners. On trying to leave she asked that i stay and have something. I stayed back and when it was finally time to leave an hour later, she walked me downstairs and after i hugged her, she gave me a full kiss on the lips saying that she appreciated my putting in efforts to see her happy. 2 years later, i am still in this relationship.I wake up some nights crying when i’m alone and on other nights i’m okay with it. This situation gets me worried because it’s so tough to discuss with anyone. My relationship with men has broken down and i’m under a lot of pressure to get married from my parents.
Temple Say’s –
“Will you walk into my parlour?” said the Spider to the Fly, “’Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy; The way into my parlour is up a winding stair, And I’ve a many curious things to shew when you are there.”
This was a poem written in 1829 by Mary Howitt. One i stumbled on as a wide-eyed 10 year old and have never forgotten. I think you were located, hunted and captured. There is nothing that went down in your narrative that would convince me otherwise. Infact, let’s reverse engineer this story starting from the very beginning.
A Tale of two Women: I’m sure your staff’, if she’s still with you and not too afraid of you to give a healthy version of this story would mention that she doesn’t think she did much damage. Infact, most parlors would sterilize their sets in the presence of their clients to build confidence (if it’s anything similar to what happens at my barber Abbey’s place in Lagos, shout-out to Abbey, great dude (07017244313)). 😂
Pricks and nips are regular occurrences during grooming sessions. So it shouldn’t be an issue. Your passion for excellence, desire to succeed and zeal to please your customers though amazing attributes for any entrepreneur were the same things that trapped you. A huntress will sniff out those same things because they give off an aura that can’t be mistaken. It’s like the smell of blood to a pack of wild dogs.
Phase 1:She knew you could not risk loosing your customer due to poor customer service or an accident in-parlor. So she played a card that you fell for. The process of begging her to accept your apologies and the tirade of outbursts could be likened to the hot and cold actions of a woman when being relentlessly pursued by a man. You persisted (like the man) and she asked you to come to her showroom (she succumbed). Phase two: You arrived at a showroom which was only an unveiling party for you just that you didn’t know it yet. When a woman gets a new boyfriend or mate, there is a tendency to want to be a bit showy-offy. That was the very thing that happened at that event but because something about that relationship was not socially acceptable, it had to be masked as a casual invite. You were about to walk out on your own party after a few minutes but ended up staying a bit longer. Phase 3: As with every great first date, you received a kiss which was the riskiest venture for her and the part where you would have stopped it all.
My question then was, “Why Didn’t she stop it all at that point?” but i went back to your letter and read it again.
On reading it again, i discovered that this was not only just a letter seeking for advice, it was actually a letter from someone who like Katy Perry “Kissed a girl and found out she liked it”. You are scared you may have sold yourself a lie these 30-odd years about your sexuality especially with time fast approaching to make some life-long decisions. I have a piece i wrote on bi-sexuality after many couples and individuals started making me understand it was fast-becoming an issue especially considering the fact we are talking about something that’s still a crime. It could help with most of your worries and give you an incline to what your next steps could be. I hope this was helpful, expository in nature for you and helped you fully unpack? Understanding it was a hunt would help you make an informed decision lest you believe it was fate (mystifying it will further thicken your haze of confusion). If you have any further questions, feel free to reach out. All the best and stay strong.
I hope these answers on the topic “LET’S TALK. i become Something Else by Night” helped someone. I’ll write a supporting article to discuss human bi-valency but until we meet again, stay strong.
Answers by Obike Temple
A Counselor, psychotherapist, brand-Sage and entrepreneur who has counseled over three-hundred couples, individuals, substance abuse and grief-stricken clients.
For more information on related issues and to schedule an appointment with “Temple’s Counsel” visit our counseling page, chat us up via our website or send a whatsapp message to +2348109055475.
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Losing anything of value is never easy. Coping with grief and loss must be done your right way. Sadly, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Regardless of the type of loss you are faced with, the only thing required is that you understand the stages of grief and where you currently are on them. This understanding will provide you with healthier coping options.
WHAT DOES GRIEF MEAN?
When you lose something of great importance, your natural emotional and painful response to it is grief. Sometimes it comes with various reactions such as guilt, disbelief, deep sadness, health disruption, insomnia, inability to eat amongst so many things. Everything i mentioned here is normal when you are faced with grief. Your grief could come as a result of losing your health, a job, a relationship, a loved one, a miscarriage, a career dream, a friendship, a safety net after infidelity or even moving homes amongst many other reasons.
I see many couples and individuals sit across me and narrate their experiences with grief. Despite the many responses to grief, one thing that you cannot take away is that the intensity of your grief is always directly proportional to the significance of your loss.
Due to the personal nature of loss, i do not expect you to grieve like any other person. This means that there is no shame with how you decide to grieve. The only thing i want you to understand is that there are stages to grieving and you must understand what stage you are in to enable yourself transition from that stage, get a new perspective on the matter and then begin to move on from the heaviness you feel.
The Sad Honest Truth About Grief
Be it the loss of a parent, child, partner, spouse, relative, friend or colleague at work, It’s all pain and you may not ever get over this loss. However, time is what truly does the magic for you because your sorrow eases, you face the loss and then gradually begin to move on from that point.
Now that you understand how unique grieving is to every individual, you must also know that what separates everyone in grief are their beliefs, their faith, previous experiences with grieving, their coping styles and lastly their personality. Do not expect to recover immediately with actual loss of a loved one, or try to heal after replacing the job, house or opportunity you lost with a new one. It takes time. While some start to feel better in weeks and months, the measurement for others grieving is usually in years.
THE PROPER WAY TO GRIEVE
You must understand somethings about grief as this gives you an edge;
A) IF you feel pain, do not pretend it does not exists simply because you want to appear strong. This act will keep you trapped in one stage of grief longer than expected. Weakness or Strength are not the consideration at this point. Pain is.
B) Do not try to grieve the way you have seen a sibling, spouse, parent or someone else go about it. That is their own way. Trying to emulate them in this regard may not work for you and could end up doing more damage than good.
C) It’s not time to be alone with yourself and misery. Get the support of your loved ones and others who truly care about your well-being. Staying alone is not the solution to numbing the pain.
D) The feeling of grief will make you laugh, cry, smile, talk to yourself and so on. In extreme cases, clients have mentioned that grief made them romanticize with thoughts around death and suicide. Especially for individuals who lost a spouse.
E) Your emotions are not stable when you are grieving. This is what grief does to you. Forcing yourself to stabilize your emotions is not the key. Recognizing the emotions you feel is the real solution.
Available on Podcast:
Learning about the 5 stages of grief
Denial: This is the phase where an individual hasn’t yet come to terms with what has happened. The associated shock or emotional overwhelm dissociates the victim in such a way that the circumstances look like an unfolding movie plot with them as spectators.
Anger: At this point, a realization dawns on the individual. This comes with an intense anger that has the individual lashing out angrily and questioning a lot of things.
Bargaining: The need to have this happen to distance oneself from the flurry of negative emotions suddenly triggers an emotion that wants to pass on the grief to some other person, place etc. With this comes a negotiation where depending on the spiritual beliefs of the individual sees them bargaining , going on a spiritual deep dive all in a bid to reverse the situation.
Depression: This is a phase characterized by intense sadness that comes once you start to understand the situation isn’t particularly going anywhere or changing.
Acceptance: After healthily negotiating the first phases of grief, the individual now understands that the situation truly occurred. At this point, you come to terms with the pain and truly start to own the emotions you are feeling. It is from this stage that healing starts.
Despite the fact that I have listed these phases, it would be important to note that not everyone navigates grief by following these exact steps. Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist who first intimated us with these stages of grief never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework applicable to anyone mourning. I have seen clients who went straight to acceptance from the denial stage and just when everybody else affected was struggling with denial, these individuals were already available to assist their spouse, partner, siblings or friends with their own grief.
Dear therapist
Grieving and loss is a bespoke experience for everyone. The circumstances may be similar but the effect on the mourner is unique. Hence for younger therapists, there is a need to make clients identify what stage they currently find themselves in. As important as this is, it is better to allow them speak first, tell a story, relive their experiences with the deceased and as you listen with your ears and observe with your entire being, you are bound to start discovering for yourself, where exactly they are with the grieving process (even if it doesn’t quite tally with any of the stages.
I truly hope this piece throws a lot more clarity on your current struggles with navigating loss. We are here to support you through your loss and believe that your complete healing is not too far away.
Seated in a cool family-friendly joint, it was time for our cheesy delight. As the waiter arrived with the creamy, stretchy beauty it’s aroma had my stomach churning with expectancy, the kids were all excited and their mum too. Just as we were about to dig in, my 13-year old daughter dropped the bomb. “So daddy, why do people waste their time on a 9 to 5 job rather than become successfully self-employed?” This was quickly supported by an “I Know Right” from her 10-year old sister as their younger ones all turned to listen to the “mage-o-ages” speak. (crickets) I froze.
I got defensive and retorted with an “Who said a 9 to 5 was a waste of time?” but madam’s timely intervention made me relax as she laughed and squeezed my hands under the table. Yes, she knew my unwavering stance on due process in relation to the newer breeds who wanted everything now but who would give a teenager this flawed perspective of 9 to 5? Maybe my face asked the question in my head because she continued. “I heard someone on a business radio programme encouraging people to drop their jobs and start something” she continued very unperturbed. I okaye’d this radio station, their songs and programmes were always family-friendly but how come? I knew this was a defining moment in parenting for me. I muttered a quick prayer of angelic support and went in deep.
Just before i get into my answer, i believe it would be a good time to explain the various generations currently in existence and the time range that qualify them to be in their groups;
- The Greatest Generation (GI Generation): Born 1901–1924.
- The Silent Generation: Born 1928–1945.
- Baby Boom Generation: Born 1946–1964.
- Generation X: Born 1965–1980.
- Millennial Generation or Generation Y: Born 1981–1996.
- Generation Z or iGen: Born 1997–2010.
This piece is mainly for the Generation Z and a sub-section of the Millenial Generation/ Gen Y whom it may apply to. I know many amazing and intelligent individuals who fall into these two generations but the information on this piece are for those who may not have caught up with some realizations.
Let’s Begin…
The Gen Z’s obsession with quitting their jobs to start that big business that pays thousands of dollars monthly is almost unbelievable. Ask them of one thing which they’ve done is the recent past that gave them a measure of fulfillment and they wouldn’t be able to remember. Instead they could give a load of examples on their worst job experiences. Most authority figures in their lives are almost certainly tagged “evil or a buzz-kill” with little or no attention to what it took for them to have attained their current status (May not seem like it now but please be patient with me as i gradually unravel my position. This is not one of those articles aimed at mal-aligning a generation).
In their world, some of the biggest hero’s ever are the CEO’s who dropped out of university to pursue their dreams. If you pushed a bit further on their heroes list, you could also notice names of some flamboyant neighbourhood gangster, a celeb activist or a flashy baby-girl down the street. The haste to buy dreams and hopes makes them prime clients for the online motivational speakers, Girl-power groups and more. The sad fact is that some of their decisions are based on ill-researched facts. For instance, a Mark Zuckerberg who dropped out of Harvard to start a business got to Harvard. Firstly, not everyone gets into Harvard and secondly, Mark Zuckerberg’s dad gave him two options at the onset “Go to Harvard or begin a McDonald’s Franchise”. A Big Mac franchise isn’t cheap either! Mark had options, so if you want to make life changing decisions like dropping out of school or quitting your job for the big entrepreneurial dream, You had better have options. Don’t do it on the hard-earned cash your parents suffered to put together in a bid to give you a real chance at something.
Trauma Bonding, An Abusive Relationship in a Loop is a conversation long overdue for most relationships today. Have you ever seen two people who you knew had absolutely no reason to be together? One person was constantly abusing the other and the other person was just too weak to simply do anything. That is what you call a trauma bond. A relationship where an abusive partner uses emotional and psychologically manipulative means to gain full control of their partner or target as we could refer to them.
As sick and twisted this dynamic appears to be, it unfortunately plays out in over 50% of the relationships and marriages around us. Trauma bonding can bind with pre-existing physical financial or sexual abuse making it seem impossible for the victim to walk away. Trauma bond survivors have been known to take a long time before discovering the right tools that can help them untangle themselves from the bond.
What Pre-disposes you to a Trauma Bonding?
There are always a group of people who are a natural attraction for abusive partners. This attraction sometimes occurs with a level of intentionality but sometimes naturally. In therapy, there are situations where a seemingly quiet half gets a strong, self-motivated, educated and confident partner who they fully break down over a timeframe and establish dominance over.
Who Is More Susceptible to Trauma Bonding?
People with relational and emotional trauma are typically targeted by perpetrators in a trauma bond, intentionally or otherwise. It can be common for abusers to seek out strong, driven, educated, and independent thinkers so that they can make themselves feel superior when they finally break them down. People with any or a combination of the scenarios depicted below are more likely to be found in a trauma bond.
A) You get mauled by separation anxiety
B) You have an unhealthy attachment style
C) You have a history of childhood or relationship abuse
D) You are overtly dependent on your partner or spouse
E) You are intensely affected by rejection
F) You are suffering from anxiety, BPD or depression
When you are being abused but you struggle to break free, it’s time you made that call to any therapist near you. The earlier you seek out help, the lesser damage
you will get to experience. A full recovery is not an easy road but starting out on the recovery path is the first step.
Available on Podcast:
For clients who have been helped to exit trauma bound relationships, the first thing they usually notice in hindsight is the pattern their abusive relationship always took. Here are the 7 stages a trauma bond must negotiate in 90% of the cases.
- LOVEBOMBING: When you meet someone new and they start to flatter and praise their way into your heart, you may just be preparing yourself for a traumatic bond. This period moves quickly and is very inorganic. Everything moves fast and you sometimes aren’t contributing much to the pace because the other person is doing all the work. After some time you let down your guard and allow yourself get caught up in the mood. You suddenly begin to trust the partner and their constant validation.
- BUILDING TRUST WHILE POKING VICTIM EMOTIONALLY: When a partner has been able to demonstrate that they can be trusted, it’s indeed a beautiful thing. However, if you notice yourself feeling guilty or ungrateful whenever you want to question intent or motive, It’s not natural. A healthy relationship must navigate the phase where both individuals MUST ask themselves questions about the authenticity of the new person in their life. The answer to this question must come from what is consistently demonstrated by the partner and not from what your partner says about themselves.
- CRITICISM: The moment you give your trust, the next stage in this toxic cycle is a subtle attack to some of your qualities that were never issues in times past. You now trust what this person says to you because they invested time in that phase. You suddenly notice that during fights or disagreements, holes are constantly being poked at your credibility or personality. In cases where the victim has a low sense of self esteem they will constantly find themselves apologizing for things that aren’t even their fault. The victim suddenly starts to feel loved because despite how wrong they are, their partner always forgives them. The constant dynamic of criticism and apologies is the real binding agent in a trauma bond because it usually occurs over a long period of time in most relationships before the victim notices the pattern.
- MANIPULATING & GASLIGHTING THE VICTIM: This stage has the victim questioning their reality.A gaslighter never takes any form of responsibility for their actions or behaviours. Their ability to shift blame on other people is their oldest trick because next to them, you seem like the one who is out of control and a wreck. Most Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists express this trait. In some cases, the victims play out reactive abuse out of rage or a need to preserve themselves psychologically. This reaction is followed by intense guilt in most textbook trauma bond cases. The victim further questions their identity since the abuser must have separated the victim from anyone who provides them with balance and reassurance.
- THE GIVING UP STAGE: A trauma bond at this point usually hits a stable period because the victim has been programmed to accept abuse. This acceptance means they may have poor physical boundaries as they now strive to please people, become emotionally and financially dependent, may have had more children among many other situations that make it almost impossible to make clear decisions. For victims who start to recover and attempt to leave, this is the point the abuse moves from emotional/psychological to physical. This situation is triggered when an abusive partner suspects that they may be losing control.
- CHRONIC LOSS OF SELF: The aim of an abuser in a trauma bond is to gain control. Every action perpetrated on the victim is aimed at making them lose their sense of confidence. Due to the long periods of isolation, many victims lose close connections and opportunities because they may have lost their self-identity to a degree that people who used to know them cannot relate with them anymore. This damage to the victims confidence in 30-35 % of the cases result in suicidal ideation (This is a situation where an individual has thoughts of killing themselves as a likely option for exiting a discomforting situation). While many people around us (as much as 45%) may have thought of death as a sort of escape, almost 90% never carry it out. However the fact that this came up is a sign of poor mental health that needs to be checked out. Losing your self usually comes with feelings of shame, self-torture and regret which makes it more difficult to break the cycle of abuse and move forward.
- CYCLIC ADDICTION: Owing to the cyclic nature of abuse, many fights will be followed up by apologies and a period of peace. This peaceful period usually sees the abusive partner starting the entire process again by lovebombing the victim. A scenario that leaves the victim relaxed again after tense moments experienced. This (i.e. the false peace) becomes a form of positive reinforcement the victim constantly looks forward to. In some cases, the abuser now begins to withhold affection, love, care and attention forcing the victim to go extra lengths in a bid to regain favour.
HOW TO ESCAPE A TRAUMA BOND
- Your first step is to create a support system for yourself that can assist in providing objectivity as undue exposure to a trauma bond may leave you slightly imbalanced
- Speaking up within or to the support system about what you are going through is the next natural step to breaking free.
- Analyzing the situation with your support system to determine if leaving while your abuser is away, gathering proof or an agreed separation is best depending on the severity of issues faced
- After leaving an abusive relationship, you can either separate or file for a divorce
CONCLUSION
Many survivors of trauma bond relationships usually narrate how difficult it was to break free of the abuse due to the highs and lows. Therapy has helped many take the step towards the door and has also helped those who left rediscover their lives. Trauma Focused CBT is therapy specifically created for people who have survived abusive relationships.
Psychological abuse recovery is also one of the most important things to strive for with the help of a trained mental health expert. This will help you get back is mental shape while avoiding a meltdown in the future.
Is there anything i mentioned on this article that seems vaguely familiar? this is not the time to contemplate or persist in protecting an abusive spouse or partner. Most of the assault or murders of passion stories you hear about in the news all stemmed from this topic discussed today. Shine the light on abuse and begin your healing journey today by calling or sending an email to us.
The Hero Complex, sometimes called the Hero Syndrome or Savior Complex, is when someone strives to be the hero of the situation. No matter the situation or the odds, they want to be the ones that save the day. In some definitions, a person with a hero complex will even create situations that inconvenience or harm others, just so they can take credit for fixing it later.
Is the Hero Complex a mental disorder?
No. While the Hero Complex is mainly a psychological phenomenon, it is not a diagnosable disorder or a clinical term. However, the reported symptoms of the Hero Complex (such as an exaggerated sense of self-worth), is similar to a grandiose delusion, also known as delusions of grandeur. Patients of GD consider themselves famous, wealthy, and powerful, sometimes even referring to themselves in divine terms.
The Hero Syndrome in the Workplace
Many believe that Hero Syndrome is commonly found in people with civil service jobs: police, firemen, and doctors. But the truth is that Hero Syndrome will be found just about anywhere with an office. You may work for them, or they may work for you. In fact, you may even have a Hero Complex!
Although it may seem negative, the Hero Complex is not necessarily a cause for concern. Some people simply want more recognition than others, which is common in an individualistic and capitalist culture. However, there are cases when Hero Complex could result in some dangerous situations.
The Dangers of the Hero Complex
Bitter and hostile environments – As you can imagine, having one person consistently boast about their achievements and abilities can grow old pretty quickly. In teams that require communication and teamwork, the one with Hero Complex may annoy and alienate his teammates.
An illusion of productivity – People with hero complexes may have an inflated sense of their heroism. Although they may remember saving the project before a deadline, other team members may remember them as the source for the delays in the first place.
Arrogance clouding judgment – Those concerned about their self-worth may prioritize their ego over their peers. The result- a focus on vanity metrics and titles over actual work. For example, a doctor may be so focused on getting a promotion that they may neglect their managerial duties in the hospital.
How to Identify the Hero Complex
Remember, the Hero Complex is not a diagnosable condition, so there’s no surefire way of knowing whether someone “has” the complex. But there are signs that may suggest a person is more likely to have the Hero Complex.
Showboating. People with Hero Complex like recognition- for their work, their clothes, their lifestyle.
Preaching or saving. Some people call it the Savior Complex because of their need to rescue those in need. They may be too quick to give advice or care more about the photo op at a charity event.
Narcissism. While showing off and helping others isn’t exactly a crime, it becomes questionable when the person is vain or self-centered. Narcissism is one of the telltale signs for a Hero Complex.
How to deal with the hero complex
Once again, not everyone with a hero complex will stir trouble. It’s perfectly acceptable if anybody is self-centered or boastful. Only when it begins to affect the work of the business do you need to consider your options.
If you suspect someone of having a disruptive hero complex, first assess why you came to that conclusion- is their behavior affecting the rest of the team’s mood? Does it result in less than acceptable work?
Talk to the person, or if you have an HR department, have someone mediate the conversation first. Let them know that while strong personalities are welcome, it should never make others feel miserable or less productive.
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