MENTAL HEALTH
Double Lives: I Become Something Else By Night – by Temple Obike
Today’s episode of let’s talk is, “ I become something else by night”. As a psychotherapist and counselor, you sometimes come across clients whose cases might challenge every ounce of critical thinking skills you may think you possess. This is usually the reason a level of open-mindedness is required on this path. One day you are speaking to everyday individuals or a couple trying to fix their lives for the better and the next you are live with a successful individual on an obvious path to self-outage. This episode is not the easiest for me but i’d like to thank everyone whose cases i will be using to teach others today.
This is our free advisory service giving answers to individuals whose emails we receive on templescounsel@gmail.com. All individuals whose questions we answer are protected and remain anonymous but the solution given them is shared here to enable others learn from it. Send your personal, addiction or marriage related worries to the email above and we will try to help. I may not be able to answer every question but you can visit our blog for materials on relationships, marriage and addictions or call +2348109055475 to book a session with Temple Obike.
Hi Temple,
I am -, born to Egyptian and Saudi parents. I am a banker in – (the emirates) and manage a branch to one of the top banks in-country. I am married with – children and my husband is a caring and loving father. My issue started in 2014 during a holiday in Greece. My husband and children came with me and on one of the days i went out with my kids to buy some groceries. I saw a bar where a couple of people were gathered and having some drinks and decided i was going to come back that evening with my husband after tucking our kids in since it was just across our hotel. Prior to this period, i’d like to mention that i had a very great upbringing, had – siblings which i took care of, lived a sheltered life and both my parents were professionals, devout Muslims and i had never cheated in my marriage to him. That evening, my husband was neck deep in work and urged me to go out and have fun alone and maybe shop. I went out to the bar had a few drinks and for some inexplicable reason had a quick round of sex with a young man who had taken an interest in me and then to my amazement collected the 30 Euro he gave to me. I earn in 6 digits monthly but still i collected 30 euros. I got back after 2 hours and all was fine. Something changed in me that day Mr Temple.
6 years later, i still have a happy home, an even bigger career but a problem i cannot talk to a professional within my city or in neighboring countries about. I now opt for professional courses internationally a few times every year and every time i travel, i allow myself get picked up at cheap local bars i choose by both male and females for painful sex bouts which i don’t feel guilty about. I always collect the money they pay me and this is never over 50 usd because i never want to go to areas where high earners would come to for the fear of running into someone i know or a client. I would like to know what your thoughts are on this Temple and if there’s a solution.
Temple Say’s –
Well, talking about cupboards filled with skeletons you sure come to mind BUT listen carefully, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. After talking to over 300 individuals (this is sparta), one thing i’ve learnt is that there are no saints here just humans with both good and bad. With this intro out of the way, let’s cut to the chase.
The bigger the career, the greater the pressures and the greater the pressure, the more imperative it is to get a form of release from this pressure (hold the thought). From the original text you sent, the number of siblings you had to play mum to while your parents were working obviously meant you had to grow up fast but even more worthy of note. You had to grow up as the “responsible” big sister. Responsibility is an amazing thing but research also has proven that when trying to groom a child to take up responsibility, they should also be allowed to be children ( A memo most of our parents missed). What then happens is that you have a repressed side that was never exercised because you were always cautious with all the junior eyes watching “big sister’s” every move looking for what to copy. When this happens, either of these two scenarios play out. One, you either become a prude with a knack for correctness Or you develop a shadow personality that becomes the exact opposite of what you project to your spouse, children, friends and colleagues.
If you are a parent that really desires to raise healthy, confident children, NEVER saddle any child with the responsibility of being the one their siblings have to look up to without giving them the opportunity to play HARDER. All you will create is a child whose siblings may come to secretly resent or a closet freak. This is especially worse for females because the guys live in a world that shields them with ludicrous excuses for being guys.
(Back to the matter)…
In your case, all it took to release your shadow self was one moment of being alone without everything else that has always kept you occupied and correct (Husband, kids, career). It was just you, a girl with a drink in her hand and a man with lust on his mind (something you may have imagined at odd times). Now the plot further thickens by collecting the $30 euros. That was your way of telling yourself that this affair was devoid of any form of intimacy with no room for continuity. The release you felt after this encounter was far greater than the guilt. This was the only reason you decided to allow yourself slide into the path. You’ve also devised ways to ensure you never run into anyone within your circles of operation like going for Cheap hotels, cheap fees etc but one thing i’d like to say is this. You can never be too careful. Your only fear now is that your career & home life are great because you know you found an unhealthy way to keep ticking.. Something you know would crash real soon.
My honest advice is that you check into a sex rehabilitation centre around you that can offer you private help because it’s become an addiction and if you haven’t started already, you may soon feel the need to kill the emotional and physical pain through substance abuse. You can recover from this but you need to fight.. That fight might begin with taking a month-long leave from work. After which you can quietly get help, explain what you are going through to your husband or simply mask the reason for your therapy with something else such as improving your general well-being (Which wouldn’t be an all-out lie). On the other hand, if you can’t do it around your current location, i can create a 100-day accountability programme for you. If i can keep you engaged for 100 days, we may break that habit. A last piece of advice, if you have a daughter, don’t be tempted to dote too much on her imperfections all in an attempt to steer her away from what you battle. Stay Strong.
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Hi Temple,
I work with one of the top Airlines in the world and a female pilot. I’m of African origin and married with – kids. My family has been something of great pride in times past but i recently had an affair that affected me quite badly and i have not really been able to talk about it. My reason for writing is that in November 2018, my cabin crew and i were invited to a party by some passenger known to my co-pilot and since we all had a full day off in the city, we attended. Things got out of hand after a couple of drinks (spiked of course) as it turned out to be a swinger orgy party and having come alone i ended up having protected sex with two couples. As much as i hate myself for it, more swinger party invitations keep coming and i attend this even though i try to fight it. Every new country or route i land in, i now go to look for swinger groups to join online to enable me easily blend into the closed community. On touch down and concluding my hotel check-in, i usually stay out until early next morning. My life, career and finances has been on a downward spiral and i think i’ll crumble soon.
Two months ago, in the heat of the COVID lock-down, i caught my husband cheating on me but i noticed i didn’t even have the steam to take the arguments the long haul almost like i had lost the zeal to be in my marriage. My energy levels seem to be dropping and I’ve become quite unhappy. I need help Temple.
Temple Say’s –
Firstly, i’d like to say that your line of work is something unique and takes guts to fully function in. You see the world from a perspective many may never be privy to, sitting in that cock-pit day in and day out and seeing our world from such an aesthetic yet amazing angle. So for every time you make it out of yet another ride, i can almost sense the invincibility and great pride you may feel despite the risk this occupation packs. This risk-averse behavior if not looked into could becomes something that spreads into a other aspects of your life.
Going back to the swinger orgies, you never imagined yourself participating in it the night before you first indulged. Simply put it was never pre-meditated but was facilitated by a few drinks that loosened your nerves and an enabler (your colleague). I’m an advocate for people taking responsibility for their actions but i’m also an advocate of understanding why the actions occurred. “Your cabin-crew member was the culprit” because he/she was the plug who knew where the romps were going down. Once you take that person out of the crew OR take yourself to some other crew, this issue you face will almost be eliminated. The other part of the solution would then become you. Will you stop or would you personally go seeking for these conclaves yourself at the expense of your sanity and family. You value your family unit which is why you further explained how it makes you feel. Based on your excerpt above, your first affair left you guilty and resentful of yourself. The orgy further capitalized on an already vulnerable emotion where the lower you sink in guilt, the better you seem to feel.. Like some moral penance or sorts. Snap out of it! If you keep going down that road, your marriage will crumble. The lock-down period pulled you back and helped you face your self. Something you need to be eternally grateful for. You are on the right road to recovery with a little assistance.
I don’t know if you are affiliated to any religion but if you are, go to that entity higher than you and cleanse your soul, then step two is you forgive yourself and lastly, discuss this with your husband if he’s the type not to use it against you but if he is, then address his own infidelity and tell him it’s made you stray. That way you told a half-truth but both of you can then decide how much you still want each other and how strong your love still is. Do let me know how it goes but if you need to talk, i’m here. Stay Strong.
Hey Temple,
I own a massage parlor in one of the busiest cities in Western Africa. I started this business with a loan from the bank in a highbrow area. I’m a graduate from a UK-based University and had 8 years work experience even before i ventured into this so to all intents and purposes, “i was okay” Temple borrowing everyday parlance. Most of my clients are premium, influential and this has guaranteed some pretty good returns on my investments. In April last year, one of my new manicurists accidentally pricked a client who freaked out and all in a bid to quell the situation, we sent her some gifts expressing our appreciation with her patronage and also told her she had nothing to fear as our sets were well sterilized. This seemed to infuriate her even more as she deemed it “too mechanical”. I had to fix a meeting with her to enable me apologize properly. After many attempts to book a meeting, i finally booked a meeting and on getting to her showroom she did not seem angry anymore. She introduced me to friends who were there visiting. After i tried apologizing, she waved it off saying all was ok. She then went ahead to introduce my business to her other friends who gave me their weighty business cards and promising me i had converted them to customers already with my manners. On trying to leave she asked that i stay and have something. I stayed back and when it was finally time to leave an hour later, she walked me downstairs and after i hugged her, she gave me a full kiss on the lips saying that she appreciated my putting in efforts to see her happy. 2 years later, i am still in this relationship.I wake up some nights crying when i’m alone and on other nights i’m okay with it. This situation gets me worried because it’s so tough to discuss with anyone. My relationship with men has broken down and i’m under a lot of pressure to get married from my parents.
Temple Say’s –
“Will you walk into my parlour?” said the Spider to the Fly, “’Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy; The way into my parlour is up a winding stair, And I’ve a many curious things to shew when you are there.”
This was a poem written in 1829 by Mary Howitt. One i stumbled on as a wide-eyed 10 year old and have never forgotten. I think you were located, hunted and captured. There is nothing that went down in your narrative that would convince me otherwise. Infact, let’s reverse engineer this story starting from the very beginning.
A Tale of two Women: I’m sure your staff’, if she’s still with you and not too afraid of you to give a healthy version of this story would mention that she doesn’t think she did much damage. Infact, most parlors would sterilize their sets in the presence of their clients to build confidence (if it’s anything similar to what happens at my barber Abbey’s place in Lagos, shout-out to Abbey, great dude (07017244313)). 😂
Pricks and nips are regular occurrences during grooming sessions. So it shouldn’t be an issue. Your passion for excellence, desire to succeed and zeal to please your customers though amazing attributes for any entrepreneur were the same things that trapped you. A huntress will sniff out those same things because they give off an aura that can’t be mistaken. It’s like the smell of blood to a pack of wild dogs.
Phase 1:She knew you could not risk loosing your customer due to poor customer service or an accident in-parlor. So she played a card that you fell for. The process of begging her to accept your apologies and the tirade of outbursts could be likened to the hot and cold actions of a woman when being relentlessly pursued by a man. You persisted (like the man) and she asked you to come to her showroom (she succumbed). Phase two: You arrived at a showroom which was only an unveiling party for you just that you didn’t know it yet. When a woman gets a new boyfriend or mate, there is a tendency to want to be a bit showy-offy. That was the very thing that happened at that event but because something about that relationship was not socially acceptable, it had to be masked as a casual invite. You were about to walk out on your own party after a few minutes but ended up staying a bit longer. Phase 3: As with every great first date, you received a kiss which was the riskiest venture for her and the part where you would have stopped it all.
My question then was, “Why Didn’t she stop it all at that point?” but i went back to your letter and read it again.
On reading it again, i discovered that this was not only just a letter seeking for advice, it was actually a letter from someone who like Katy Perry “Kissed a girl and found out she liked it”. You are scared you may have sold yourself a lie these 30-odd years about your sexuality especially with time fast approaching to make some life-long decisions. I have a piece i wrote on bi-sexuality after many couples and individuals started making me understand it was fast-becoming an issue especially considering the fact we are talking about something that’s still a crime. It could help with most of your worries and give you an incline to what your next steps could be. I hope this was helpful, expository in nature for you and helped you fully unpack? Understanding it was a hunt would help you make an informed decision lest you believe it was fate (mystifying it will further thicken your haze of confusion). If you have any further questions, feel free to reach out. All the best and stay strong.
I hope these answers on the topic “LET’S TALK. i become Something Else by Night” helped someone. I’ll write a supporting article to discuss human bi-valency but until we meet again, stay strong.
Answers by Obike Temple
A Counselor, psychotherapist, brand-Sage and entrepreneur who has counseled over three-hundred couples, individuals, substance abuse and grief-stricken clients.
For more information on related issues and to schedule an appointment with “Temple’s Counsel” visit our counseling page, chat us up via our website or send a whatsapp message to +2348109055475.
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The Hero Complex, sometimes called the Hero Syndrome or Savior Complex, is when someone strives to be the hero of the situation. No matter the situation or the odds, they want to be the ones that save the day. In some definitions, a person with a hero complex will even create situations that inconvenience or harm others, just so they can take credit for fixing it later.
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Is the Hero Complex a mental disorder?
No. While the Hero Complex is mainly a psychological phenomenon, it is not a diagnosable disorder or a clinical term. However, the reported symptoms of the Hero Complex (such as an exaggerated sense of self-worth), is similar to a grandiose delusion, also known as delusions of grandeur. Patients of GD consider themselves famous, wealthy, and powerful, sometimes even referring to themselves in divine terms.
The Hero Syndrome in the Workplace
Many believe that Hero Syndrome is commonly found in people with civil service jobs: police, firemen, and doctors. But the truth is that Hero Syndrome will be found just about anywhere with an office. You may work for them, or they may work for you. In fact, you may even have a Hero Complex!
Although it may seem negative, the Hero Complex is not necessarily a cause for concern. Some people simply want more recognition than others, which is common in an individualistic and capitalist culture. However, there are cases when Hero Complex could result in some dangerous situations.
The Dangers of the Hero Complex
Bitter and hostile environments – As you can imagine, having one person consistently boast about their achievements and abilities can grow old pretty quickly. In teams that require communication and teamwork, the one with Hero Complex may annoy and alienate his teammates.
An illusion of productivity – People with hero complexes may have an inflated sense of their heroism. Although they may remember saving the project before a deadline, other team members may remember them as the source for the delays in the first place.
Arrogance clouding judgment – Those concerned about their self-worth may prioritize their ego over their peers. The result- a focus on vanity metrics and titles over actual work. For example, a doctor may be so focused on getting a promotion that they may neglect their managerial duties in the hospital.
How to Identify the Hero Complex
Remember, the Hero Complex is not a diagnosable condition, so there’s no surefire way of knowing whether someone “has” the complex. But there are signs that may suggest a person is more likely to have the Hero Complex.
Showboating. People with Hero Complex like recognition- for their work, their clothes, their lifestyle.
Preaching or saving. Some people call it the Savior Complex because of their need to rescue those in need. They may be too quick to give advice or care more about the photo op at a charity event.
Narcissism. While showing off and helping others isn’t exactly a crime, it becomes questionable when the person is vain or self-centered. Narcissism is one of the telltale signs for a Hero Complex.
How to deal with the hero complex
Once again, not everyone with a hero complex will stir trouble. It’s perfectly acceptable if anybody is self-centered or boastful. Only when it begins to affect the work of the business do you need to consider your options.
If you suspect someone of having a disruptive hero complex, first assess why you came to that conclusion- is their behavior affecting the rest of the team’s mood? Does it result in less than acceptable work?
Talk to the person, or if you have an HR department, have someone mediate the conversation first. Let them know that while strong personalities are welcome, it should never make others feel miserable or less productive.
I want us to talk about teenage marijuana use and how to keep your children safe in a world that normalizes it’s use. Schools are on holidays and children are home. Many observant parents use this period in discovering unsettling truths about their teenagers from drugs, sexual activity or cultism (yes, even for the secondary school students). The cases around teenage marijuana use has become unsettling and seeing the level of desensitization around this topic does not help either.
Firstly, don’t get me started on the medicinal uses of Marijuana because we have researched, released publications and spoken on this as well. Today we will be focusing on our adolescents and teenagers. After all, I believe that even a parent who uses marijuana for whatever reason deep down does not want their child dependent on it.
It goes by many names Marijuana, Mary-J, weed, pot, dope, grass. They’re all different names for the same drug that comes from the cannabis plant. Smoke it, vape it, drink it or eat it, weed is still weed. Many now use it for relaxation or pleasure thereby desensitizing the society on it’s harmful side-effects. Drug Abuse in teenagers is a growing concern. The only way to even begin to prevent this occurrence is by having candid conversations around the topic with your ward.
Connecting with a teenager or adolescent during their formative years is important but many parents and guardians struggle to achieve this only after the emergence of a deadly habit. – Temple Obike
Connecting with your kids and making them free to have all kinds of conversations with you is a sure-fire way of reducing their chances of involvement with drugs or making mistakes. This activity must be carried out even up until their university days and we’ll into their adult life anytime the chance avails itself. An effort must be put into understanding their social and extracurricular events. This level of monitoring (it may not sound nice but it is beneficial in the long-run) can wield a measure of influence on the child positively.
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WAYS TO STOP TEENAGERS FROM USING MARIJUANA
Build-up Their Self-confidence
As a dad of 3 amazing adolescents and 1 newbie teenager, i believed that the first step was for me to even get this children to become confident. I wouldn’t always be there but i could leave a mind-set that allows them make certain decisions based on what they know and not what someone thinks of them or asked them to do. This is one of the main reasons individuals get into drug use due to peer pressure.
The your teenage always ensure that you do the following;
- Engage in conversations about topics of interest.
- Show them failure is not final and let them watch you recover from mistakes.
- Encourage decision-making on their part
- Listen when they voice their opinions.
- Support team activities for them.
- Exemplify “healthy” giving and reception of compliments
- Always praise efforts but don’t celebrate mediocrity.
- Demonstrate positive self-talk for them
With these, you are well on your way to having kids who are very confident.
Have Regular Conversations With Them
Having a fairly regular conversation around “taboo topics” with your adolescents is going to be one of your biggest strategies in ensuring that they do not use marijuana or any other drug. Tell them about various strains, it’s medicinal use and the adverse side effects of using it.
Marijuana is the most commonly used illicit drug and more than 39% of it’s users started before Senior Secondary 1 class.
Any question from your kid that gives you the opportunity to delve into the adverse effects of drugs MUST be taken.
Discuss it’s Adverse Effects & Risks
The media has desensitized the populace especially children, adolescents and teenagers on the adverse effects of drug use. With different countries legalizing marijuana, many teens assume it is safe.
The celebrities and influencers haven’t also helped in passing this message across because it is mostly “glorified” in white light as something relied upon for depth and inspiration. Marijuana like other substances such as coffee, alcohol, steroids, cigarettes’ etc. is always going to be dangerous if used recreationally. Legal does not always mean safe. This is the mantra you must entrench in their minds because that’s the angle peer pressure will mostly be introduced from.
Marijuana will alter your sense of judgement, predispose you to risky sexual activity, affect your motor coordination, induce psychosis and amplify paranoia. Take it as both a professional and experiential advice from someone who was once a youth and faced peer pressure on a local and international scale.
– Temple Obike
THE TRUTH
Tell your teenager that their brain is still developing and Marijuana use will impair their brain function. this happens because it changes the development pattern and leads to a potential addiction. Tell them their short-term memory will be affected making it difficult for them to retain what they’ve learnt. What this means in the long run is that the teenager will struggle with learning and this increases their chances of giving up on education.
Simply put, Marijuana is an IQ assassin.
It’s A Plant So Can’t Do No Harm (That’s not True)
This is one of the points that would be raised by their friends or others trying to lure them into this lane. Make your teenager understand that the fact marijuana is a plant does not make it safe. There are many dangerous plants used for medicinal purposes.
Some ingredients in cannabis are very psychoactive (mind-altering), but others are not. The processing and growth factors relied upon by the manufacturer/farmer is what determines how potent or balanced the plant is. It is therefore not farfetched to believe that a local street dealer would go for the finest strain. This is the reason you have it come with menacing street names such as Igbo! Kpoli ! Kush! Deaf! Eja! Pot! Weed! Ganja! Hemp! Dope! Grass! Reefer! Ewe! Oja! Wee-Wee! (Feel free to expand).
Know Who Their Friends Are
This is one of the most important things you could do for your child. Do not stop at the image their friends sell to you. Get to know their parents, their home set-up, value systems etc. Make your home open for friends to come visit (all genders). Watch the dynamics of their relationship. Does your teenager suddenly forget everything you taught them, act mean to their siblings, lose themselves, become less confident in the presence of this friend? Sorry to sound overbearing and while i believe that you can only do what you can do, I also know that with kids, your opportunities for impact dwindle as they get older.
It’s becoming a bit too frequent in my practice to see clients sit down and surprisingly bash a parent who was too nice. The one who allowed them get away with everything suddenly becomes the enemy.
After you have noticed everything you need to know about their friends, you can then suggest (not enforce) who you believe is a good option for them. This is one of the true tests of how highly they trust your input. Teach them that the real qualities to look out for when choosing a friend are loyalty, respect, honesty and integrity. Personally, I love all these qualities but won’t pretend that a kid who loves God automatically fits into our household. A good friend could support your kid at a time when they need someone else to be strong for them and this is why you must be sure of who they mix up with.
Rules, Limits and discipline are a Must
Many parents who raised kids who are now in my current age bracket made loads of mistakes. However these mistakes are things most of these children can look back at now and laugh about. In contrast, it beats me on how a generation who is obviously informed, read, exposed and more suddenly threw away one of the most important things that made them the people they are becoming today. Rules and Limits.
A walk through the mall and you see a kid punching a parent for denying them an opportunity to have candy. In a desperate attempt at conviction you suddenly then hear the parent shouting in the best accent money can buy on the kid. In a bid to maybe convince everyone around on the level of effort they put in at home. The real issue is that the first lesson was lost. You do not take unless mama or papa gives their permission. Those are rules and limits. It comes first. – Temple Obike
As much as i will never be caught trying to give my “not-sought-for” opinion on how another parent should raise their kids, it’s heart-breaking seeing kids being praised for mediocre achievement. Kids not getting spanked a little for bad behavior because it’s no longer cool. Wow! We think the world is filled with narcissists’ but it’s painful seeing spouses who claim their partners are narcissists raising the next super-generation of narcissists. Parents, rules, limits and discipline when necessary are still a MUST.
Here are some rules that could help you ensure that you’re not to out of the joint with your teenagers development;
- Let’s create a code that once you say it, I will know you are in danger and need me to help you exit somewhere e.g Calling me and saying “Daddy, are we still going? Ok i am ready”
- Do not allow friends come to the house if i or your mum are not home (this helps with curbing sexual abuse too).
- A no uncles/aunties home once the kids hit ages 5 and above (sad as it sounds but that’s the reality of the times)
- We need at least 48 hours to allow sleep-overs. This allows me talk to the other parents and check out the situation before giving my consent. (personally, my kids do not sleep in no-ones house until they are of age).
- If you go out, your location must be activated and your Life360app must be active
- If there will be no parent at the party, you are not going
- Memorize your parents phone numbers and recite it before going out.
- Always give me the address of ANYWHERE you will be going to.
- Whatever movies/shows you watch MUST be run through mum and dad
- Whatever songs you listen to MUST be age-appropriate and because it’s trending or known by everyone else in school still does NOT make it okay.
Setting rules is important but administering punishments when they are broken will make your teens more likely to adhere to family rules. On the other hand, reward good choices sparingly when your teen makes them.
Enlist for Drug Prevention Programs
Getting involved in drug abuse prevention programs in your community or your child’s school is a key step to curbing this menace. Most of these programmes will randomly test participants on a monthly basis and this keeps teens accountable. Even when under pressure by peers, they would most likely not indulge because they do not want to fail random drug tests.
SIGNS YOUR TEENAGER MAY BE ON DRUGS
These signs come as either behavioral or physical indicators. Many parents in therapy mention that they didn’t see the signs that something was wrong with their teenager despite the fact that the teenager would have exhibited both types of signs. These signs are a whole lot and just one of them is enough to get your antenna’s up. Missing out on all of them is simply carelessness:
Behavioral Indicators:
- Avoiding eye contact
- Ignoring or breaking curfew
- Acting irresponsibly
- Frequently asking for money
- Stealing
- Locking bedroom doors
- Making secretive calls
- Isolating from others/damaging relationships with family or friends
- Making excuses (or outright lying)
- Withdrawing from classroom participation/slipping in grades
- Resisting discipline or feedback
- Missing school or work
- Losing interest in hobbies or activities
- Abandoning long-time friends
Physical Indicators:
- Poor hygiene/change in appearance
- Glazed or bloodshot eyes
- Frequent runny nose or nosebleeds
- Paranoia, irritability, anxiety, fidgeting
- Changes in mood or attitude
- Difficulty staying on task/staying focused
- Small track marks on arms or legs (wears long sleeves even in warm weather)
- Pupils larger or smaller than usual
- Cold, sweaty palms or shaking hands
- Sores on mouth
- Headaches
- Puffy, swollen face
- Extremely tired or extremely hyperactive
- Rapid weight gain or loss
Well, this article may have been a buzz-kill but trust me when i say it was absolutely necessary. Primary school kids are now being introduced to marijuana, tramadol, hemp etc. The world we live in today is so spontaneous that you can’t protect these kids enough. They must be armed with the truth that will allow them make good decisions for themselves. Regardless of where you are at this moment, I can guarantee you that less than 2 miles from you is a dealer who knows at least 1 person who knows your teenager.
If you’d like to speak with someone regarding your teenagers drug use or behavioral issues, feel free to contact us via email.
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We are discussing how to survive an unhappy marriage . Marriage was never meant to be survived. It was meant to be enjoyed, cherished and exciting even with its here and there challenges.
As a much younger therapist i would not have attempted a write-up with this title but with age comes new realities. Living in a happy marriage means that you and your partner are going through the experiences of marriage as a team. This definition by itself sheds light on what an unhappy marriage is. It is hell on earth and leaves you with feelings of shame, regret depression worthlessness and more.
I see many advisors on social media and their various advice on how to leave an unhappy marriage. Despite this advice, i have also noticed that these advisors are the ones who will never let anyone know once their marriages begin to struggle. – Temple Obike
People who take pride in their ability to walk away are usually the ones who try everything to privately fix a marriage that isn’t working. I may not be 100% correct but i believe this unwillingness to open up is tied into a certain pride in their ability to make good decisions.
This article is for anyone who is currently struggling and trying to at least make an unhappy marriage work.
Just before we proceed, I’d like to mention some tell-tale signs you may be in an unhappy marriage. If there is;
– A persistent issue with communication
– Physical emotional or verbal abuse
– Exclusion of respect for each other or by one party
– A lack of alignment in family priorities
– Pending and unhealed issues due to death, infidelity, financial concerns etc
– Struggle with Intimacy
It could be more than these points above but these are the constants in most unhappy marriages I have seen. At this point it is important to mention that 40% of the marriages around you today are unhappy. The divorce rates around you would attest to this fact. The other 60% comprise of both couples who are happy and those who despite being unhappy decide to keep going. This willingness to keep trying sometimes ends in unhappiness but at other times could also record improvements.
I liken this stage of marriage to the last few miles of a long-distance race. The athlete is metering out little spurts of oxygen. tired yet going the long distance. If you are in an unhappy marriage you must;
- Emotionally detach
- Begin a Self-healing Journey/ Re-discover Yourself
- Get Professional Help
- The List
You may shrug off the idea of staying in an unhappy marriage but if your partner has not become abusive and still accords you some respect you may not have a strong reason for leaving that marriage. Reasons such as not having enough finances saved, children, dreading loneliness etc. could keep people in an unhappy marriage. Some couples have gotten to that point where they manage to make this arrangement (though not ideal) work. On the other hand if your unhappiness has abuse as part of it, survival for you could mean a separation from that partner.
Coping with that marriage means that you need to;
Emotionally Detach
Living with a roommate in university describes this mode. Both of you have some form of understanding that allows you get through the days. Unfortunately an unhappy marriage requires that you withdraw emotions and stopping any expectations that things might change. At this point you and your spouse will cater to the finances, children, family and other routine issues in marriage. despite these activities you must not allow yourself get drawn into emotional arguments.
I know this advice may trouble some of my dear readers but did you know that this is the point most marriages end in even without trying. The emotional turmoil, pain anxiety and trauma can be avoided with just this one step.
Begin a Self-healing Journey/Re-discover Yourself
Once you stop focusing on the emotional aspect of your marriage, you begin to actually look for other ways to make yourself happy. For many clients, they start to notice aspects of their life that has been neglected for a long while. The top areas of rediscovery were in self-care, career improvement, rebuilding valuable friendships, discovering a hobby/sport/craft and improving their parenting skills.
While all these activities may just represent a distraction to most, it would be amazing for you to remind yourself that your marriage is simply one important facet of your life. these other activities are also equally important. succeeding in one of the facets could also teach you resilience while attempting to succeed in the marital aspects of your life.
Get Professional Help
Being in a marriage over a long period has a way of unifying thought patterns. Two individuals suddenly become one and each spouse suddenly make up half of that unit. In some marriages where the marriage becomes dysfunctional you have also become a contributing agent to dysfunction. This is the point you need objectivity more than anything else.
A professional marriage therapist will provide you with this in couples therapy. At this point, you partner may not be willing to come along with you but dont let it dissuade you. going in for therapy to help yourself gives you perspective and depth on the issues at hand. If you discover you have contributed greatly towards driving your marriage to this point swallow your pride and start making amends with tools acquired in-therapy. at the end of this process you may just re-discover the better version of yourself formerly lost.
The List
Now you have detached Emotionally, ee-duscovered yourself and gotten professional help. Your mind is as objective as you can be. This is my favourite part of the entire process only to be embarked upon once you’ve gotten clarity and objectivity.
Step 1: Get out a piece of paper and write out everything about your partner that you complain about
Step 2: Attach a timeline of how long you think it could take them to change this habit if they worked on it. Then double that timeline. Can you wait that long?
Step 3: Write out every negative about yourself that you discovered in therapy. The ones you have succeed in changing write it out but for the ones you still struggle with write out how long you think it may take you to change. Then double it.
Step 4: Request for a conversation with your spouse in a civil and respectful manner. Depending on what both of you enjoy, you can have it in a relaxed atmosphere or without the kids there.
Step 5: Discuss these points as candidly as you can with each other. Do not get drawn into an emotional exchange because you have dealt with this in point 1(Emotionally detach).
After these conversations, the next steps for your marriage would be crystal clear.
IS IT US OR COULD IT BE OTHER ISSUES?
I am only mentioning this aspects because it would only be fair on your part to consider the role these other factors may have played in bringing your marriage to this point. This is not a time to wiggle out by saying that if it affected your marriage that was simply because your partner allowed it happen. If this was so, you could have also been strong enough to handle the adverse effects this had on your marriage by staying strong for the both of you until your partner came around. Afterall you don’t allow situations affect you. This objective approach to assessment would help both of you.
CONCLUSION
Deciding to stay in an unhappy marriage rather than getting a divorce will test you in unprecedented ways. However for couples who learn to navigate this with the points mentioned, most end up finding their way back and reconnecting emotionally. your ability to exude confidence and stand alone when absolutely necessary is an attractive trait.
Deciding to stay in an unhappy marriage does not make you weak contrary to what popular opinions out there tout rather it takes strength to do this (as long as it’s not for the sole focus of still answering Mr. or Mrs./Pretending all is still well). I truly hope this deciscion would turn out for the best for you and your partner. if you would like us to also assist your marriage, do not fail to reach out to us.
The Damage Predictor Test
This exercise is for every couple who truly need to know if their marriage is in any form of crisis. after taking the test you can score it yourselves. send the part B to anyone who you trust to tell you the whole truth about yourself.
This may not have been the most exciting of articles especially if you are caught up in a situation-ship as they call it at you workplace. However i just told you everything you need to help you navigate this affair and come out clean without losing your job or your home. If you’d like to let us know how this went for you, feel free to contact us via email.
Table of Contents
Workplace extramarital office affairs are more rampant than we think. In a work environment, sharing accomplishments, risk and intensity can open up new levels of intimacy between colleagues. The long hours put in at the office in close proximity with that colleague does not help either. If these situations aren’t handled properly it could trigger the budding of a work-place affair.
Office Extramarital Affair Facts You Should Know…
After understudying workplace affairs for a period, a pattern began to emerge. Facts that I believe everyone currently involved in or romanticizing with the idea of kicking off an office affair should know.
- 39% of workers had relationships in the office at least once
- 35% have kept office affairs hidden and tried to sort it out even though they knew it affected their work
- 24% are attracted to someone of the opposite sex who had similar jobs
- Office Affairs were most common in the following sectors: Banking & Finance, Hospitality & Leisure, Information Technology, Healthcare, Media/Entertainment and Business Service
Only about 17% of these affairs end in marriage. The other 83% ends in personal, marital and professional problems with far reaching consequences that would be discussed in the real world by ex-colleagues many years later (when they see you). The decision to either continue with or end an extramarital office affair is something I totally leave up to you. However this article is for the latter group. The hardest part about having a workplace affair is seeing each other after you have decided to end things with an affair partner. However its not a totally lost cause because there are basic steps you could take to begin correcting this mess.
After being blessed enough to sit with individuals going through the issues associated with an office affair, i am going to give you the quickest way to end an office affair and MAYBE still get to keep your job.
Cut Down The Time Spent Together
You need to start creating some distance between yourself and this affair partner. What you will achieve with this is to gradually bring back the correct work ambience you both enjoyed before the fall (sorry, before the affair began). This is the point you need to start bringing food to the office so you don’t need to go to lunch together. When a task has been completed take your belongings and leave. When you end things quick, that is what is considered a real ending. These measures help you quickly bury the relationship. You know everywhere both of you used to bump into each other? the backroom, the cafeteria please avoid all those places when you know they would be there.
Do not expect that these evasion tact’s of yours would be welcome with an understanding nod. Harassment or blackmail might become something they resort to in a bid to get back at you for stopping something made in heaven and breaking their already broken heart. Your job at this point is to quietly gather all the messages, record conversations, take screenshots and then taking it to the company’s HR department. At this point, if your ex-affair partner is a drama king/queen who does not mind losing their job as long as they take you down with them, you have to make a quick decision to either get a new job or get transferred to another department/team. If their job is still important to them then you have to let them understand that your lawyer already has the fact file gathered and one other bleep from them would have you filing a harassment lawsuit.
Do Not Beat Around The Subject
Now you have done a good job at avoiding them but somehow they managed to corner you and want an explanation to what is happening. Directly tell them you are done. Do not say it in a way that makes them believe there is still hope of rekindling things with you. Inform them you want to work on your marriage and clearly state that you do not want them contacting you. This saves you loads of texts, chats, emails or phone calls on the subject. At this point, if your spouse has found out about this affair a well written break-up letter will help them stay in the loop on how things are going and shows your seriousness towards ending the affair.
Do not Allow Them Contact You Again (discard every memorabilia)
When you are having an affair Adrenaline and serotonin are two basic hormones pumping through your veins. One takes care of the pleasure and the other handles the edgy feel. This is somewhat similar to what keeps an addict constantly in a loop. This is the point you must inform your spouse that they tried to initiate contact. Having an accountability partner works at this point. If your spouse is not aware simply get a professional therapist bound by client confidentiality agreements to help you navigate this period. This is the point you limit contact via phone, personal email, social networks or otherwise, and also blocking future messages. If they got you anything burn it or give it away. This steps will help you break the urge to want to go back.
Sort Out What’s Missing in Your Marriage
Now that you have been able to cut yourself off and maintain the discipline to sustain those decisions of yours, this is the time to work on your marriage with your spouse. My workbook on Affair recovery could help at this point because the thing your partner wants to know is not “How sorry you are”. They first want you to answer the question why. The time for apologies will come but its not the main thing. Communication must be worked on reflections around what you did wrong must happen. Then seek out a professional marriage therapist around you to assist the both of you at this point. If your partner on the other hand is not aware of the affair , then you have to make the big decision of informing your partner about what you did or not. If you finally decide not to tell your partner you have to be sure the reasons behind that decision is properly vetted because if it isn’t that could become the springboard for another affair.
Research has shown that when you confess to having had an affair a third of many relationships survive infidelity but when you have been caught it’s usually harder rebuilding trust and getting to the point of forgiveness.
To anyone out there struggling with similar issues my general advice is always this. If you feel an attraction to someone in your office, consider a transfer to a different department, a different position, or maybe you should quit. No job is more valuable than your marriage. Being honest with yourself is the first starting point. If you’re dressing real nice to catch the attention of a co-worker, you better stop before you lose it totally. Hanging around the office common areas hoping to bump into that person does not help either. Not only is it cheap especially if its just a fling for the other person its just downright wrong. If your spouse was there you would definitely not be doing all of that. That is your first boundary. Secondly if there are issues with you and your spouse and maybe you feel a bit justified doing what you’re doing, then use a spiritual boundary, If God was in front of you, would you be doing this? If this does not stop you either then my brother, my sister i drop my case. Whatever you have to hide or lie about, don’t do it at all.
This may not have been the most exciting of articles especially if you are caught up in a situation-ship as they call it at you workplace. However i just told you everything you need to help you navigate this affair and come out clean without losing your job or your home. If you’d like to let us know how this went for you, feel free to contact us via email.
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