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I Caught My Partner Cheating : 4 Powerful Walk Through Guides

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I Caught My Partner Cheating : A Walk Through Guide is an article many require to help them navigate murky relationship waters. It isn’t strange to receive those random messages from individuals torn apart by the fact that their partner was cheating. They just caught their partner right at this very moment cheating. WHAT DO I DO NEXT? As a case study, we will use one that was really touching because it was enough to lose hope in humanity.

Question: Good evening to anyone reading. My first name is _ and i am a Fashion designer. I am married with 3 kids. My husband and i dated for 4 years and had our first son together before finally getting married. My siblings and parents told me they did not trust his intentions towards me but i went ahead and married him anyways. My best friend encouraged me all the way throughout the rocky periods. She had my back and went with me to my parents the day i finally had to inform them my mind was made up. My husband and i finally got married and we are 6 years strong in the marriage.

My husband is a great father and became my greatest confidant after marriage. Today while at my kids inter-house sports day with him, he went to participate in some games with our son and left his phone on the seat face down. It kept on vibrating consistently and i had to pick it up. It was his alarm. I clicked on the dismissed and got curious when i noticed he didnt have any network bars on his device. I checked my phones and they all had bars especially since we both used the same network. Though his phone was locked, i could swipe to the function keys and noticed it was on airplane mode. On turning off the mode, messages began pouring in and one in particular caught my attention. The number wasn’t saved but a “call me when you’re done with daddy duty” message caught my attention because it was followed up by another message that read “because theres big daddzy duty to be attended to. I took a picture of the message and turned on the airplane mode. When my husband came back he kissed me and my son hugged me as they had taken second place. My husband sensing that something was off, picked up his phone and the moment he saw it was still on airplane mode, he relaxed. I then asked if i could use his phone to call my mum. He said sure and casually picked it up. On opening it up he took some time before handing it over. On handing over the phone to me, it dawned on me he had deleted the message and a couple of others.

I waited until i got home. I hid my number and called the number that sent the message. The voice on the other end was my best friend. I then decided to quickly put other things in action after which I confronted my husband 4 days after and he denied it. I then showed him the messages i had taken a screenshot of and proceeded to inform him that i knew it was my best friend. This was when he broke down and told me their affair began the same year he met me. He then told me that they had been having an affair for as long as our marriage had lasted. My friend was a single mum and after i  heard her voice i went to her house and spent time with her and her son at a time i took some strands of hair from her son and then took my husbands hair for a DNA test. it was a 98.9% match. He was the father. I then asked him who the father of the boy was. He lied about this as well and i showed him the proof. Afterwards, i confronted my friend who said she was sorry and then quickly moved out of her house a week afterwards. I am broken, i feel lost and with these children i have for him, i suddenly feel locked down. Please im losing my mind. Ending it all may just be better for me. I am so ashamed of my own existence.

 

The thoughts, confusion and emotions going through her mind was obviously something i witnessed on a daily basis with clients. That was a broken woman who had lost hope in humanity. Her entire world just fell apart. Regardless, there is still positive news in all of this. Firstly, you have amazing children who are yours to train and make exemplary individuals who will not become a source of pain for some other persons child down the line. Secondly, as insensitive as this may sound to you, you will not be the last person to say “i caught my partner cheating” so you will be okay. Before we dive into the points i need us to learn a thing or two about a substance called Oxytocin and it’s role in the affair process.

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OXYTOCIN

Oxytocin is a hormone that serves multiple functions. It is responsible for parents bonding with their babies, and it’s what helps bond a husband and wife. As humans, any time we have a high-oxytocin connection with a person, an increased sense of closeness and connection occurs.

All humans have oxytocin because we were meant to bond with others in our community. As we move from the high-arousal phase of infatuation to the next phase of mature love, the oxytocin levels begin to rise. Women naturally have higher levels of oxytocin. Physical touch and intercourse boost a man’s oxytocin levels and cause him to feel more secure and connected.

It’s when life gets in the way of our continual chemical bonding with our spouse that we become vulnerable.

Vulnerability however does not justify nor explain in totality why an affair happens. Don’t make it an excuse.

However, we must take this in-depth journey in hopes of understanding the bigger picture of why we’ve arrived in this place. Without an understanding which seeks to help the unfaithful spouse identify trigger points and opportunities for relapse, they will never have a steady recovery.

Apologies on the brief distraction but i felt it was a good information to throw in here. So back to the guide.

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This will not kill you

If you are not upset then it signals the existence of more worrisome issues or it could also mean you have already lost interest in the marriage. Which could be one of the reasons there was an affair in the first place. Your anger is normal and you are wondering, what do i do now?

Most people explode and attack their partners raining fire and brimstone on them. For the one who had the affair, they begin to say things they may not be able to live up to.

As strange as this may sound to you, my first advice is;

Do Nothing :

Sorry Temple what did you say. “Do nothing” I said. I need you to understand that this is the period to allow the healing power of time carry you through. What you did after an affair discovery is not what makes you feel better. Its the passage of time that makes you feel better. Some minor activities might help but a bulk of the activities that help you is the patience you exercise. Time has two primary functions, it heals and it reveals. allow it do its work. Anything you do at this very first 3 days or a week after the affair may just be the wrong move. A move that you may need to fix if you later decided to save the marriage.

Hold yourself back from talking to everyone who cares to listen about it. You will be “Pissing in the well” and this could also cause another type of damage. “Did you say damage? damage to me or to the person who cheated ? They cheated because they couldn’t control themselves and now i have to put their feelings into consideration? You know what I’m done reading this!

 

SOUL BODEGA PODCAST

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We both know you aren’t done reading it because it gets more interesting from here onwards. Listen if you do not want to just fix a broken marriage or relationship but rather want to turn it to something else thats brand new, it would be amazing for you to carry out this first step. Sometimes doing nothing makes you look really wise and bellies confusion. When people get confused, they make more mistakes and volunteer more information. Never forget, time is your friend.

Call Up That one Solid, Dependable, Mature, Honest and  Objective Son/daughter of a Gun You Know: 

“Now you want me to call somebody, after im done stewing in pain, dying and coming back to life”?. Yes, its time to call someone. Its 3 days or a whole 1 week later and you have really composed yourself, You have not lashed out, you have not told everyone that your partner had an affair. Your partner is unsure of where your mind is currently at. This is the time to speak to someone who will listen. You may get emotional talking about it, that is totally fine. Speak to them and let them know that the primary reason you are speaking to them is because you need them to be there for you.

If amidst the pain you were able to decide that the marriage needs to be saved, you do not want to go speak to a person who will give you advice on how much of a loser your partner is and how you need to leave the pitiful SOB. Choose really wisely who you decide to speak with.

Seek out a Professional Help closest to you: 

This is a great time to look for a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist closest  to you or online. The professional will help you assess the situation, what led to it, who it affected and assist you with objective guidance at the time. This is not a time to be shy or feel strange about talking to a total stranger about your love life. Infact marital problems that aren’t resolved still end up becoming public discussions that unfortunately do not give you an opportunity to steer the direction or even be there while the narrative is being tendered.

Lastly, Never Contact an Affair Partner

No matter what happens, never contact the affair partner. Most times you see individuals contact the person their partner had an affair with because they needed to tell them what they thought about them. How cheap they are, how much of a terrible person they are and how they need to stay off their partner. Thing is Everyone having an affair with someone’s spouse knows its a cheap act (i do not care about the quality of emotions involved), again anyone having an affair knows its terrible and lastly you shouldn’t be the one telling them to keep off your partner because your partner ought to be revalidating you and informing you of all the measures (Primary and Secondary Boundaries) they have put in place to ensure that this never occurs again.

Chasing after your spouses affair partner isn’t cool (please, its not a movie flick). There is no good to be gotten from it especially if it happens to be one of them ones who have sold their shame and bought a sharp tongue with the proceeds. You can read this article here to understand the mindset of a side-chick/side-guy. Any information you set out to or actually get from the affair partner must be taken with a pinch because if they are complying with you, it doesn’t make them your buddy. Infact if you need them close, it speaks of possibly deeper esteem issues than you might have cared to admit to yourself.

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A good place to begin the journey towards ending infidelity is getting a healthy understanding of boundaries. Here is something free from us.

If you and your partner are currently battling this issues, it would be a great time to begin our affair recovery therapy or come in for an exploratory session with any of our professional therapists.

Written by Obike Temple.

Temple Obike is a licensed marriage and family therapist, speaker, author and psychotherapist who has counseled over one thousand, two hundred clients comprising of couples, individuals, abuse victims (substance, physical, emotional and sexual) and grief-stricken clients. With over 70,000 in-counseling minutes (1,000+ hours) accrued in practice. He runs his private psychotherapy & counseling practice out of Lagos, Nigeria and has counseling centers in Abuja and Port-Harcourt. His practice also provides options for both online and on-site services.

His private practice has positively empowered lives through his online counseling, podcasts, free advisory services and free online materials.  Readership of his articles also receive a growing number of visitors alongside subscriptions to his email newsletter at templeobike.com. His passion for empowering and uncovering the secrets to lifelong marriages and personal development led to his new book titled “Soul Bodega” available on amazon and across other online and traditional stores.

Never give up on yourself! You are a journey happening through various destinations.

Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit our website for more info!

 

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HEALTH

A Hero Complex Always Makes You Want to ‘Save’ People

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The Hero Complex, sometimes called the Hero Syndrome or Savior Complex, is when someone strives to be the hero of the situation. No matter the situation or the odds, they want to be the ones that save the day. In some definitions, a person with a hero complex will even create situations that inconvenience or harm others, just so they can take credit for fixing it later.

Is the Hero Complex a mental disorder?

No. While the Hero Complex is mainly a psychological phenomenon, it is not a diagnosable disorder or a clinical term. However, the reported symptoms of the Hero Complex (such as an exaggerated sense of self-worth), is similar to a grandiose delusion, also known as delusions of grandeur. Patients of GD consider themselves famous, wealthy, and powerful, sometimes even referring to themselves in divine terms.

The Hero Syndrome in the Workplace

Many believe that Hero Syndrome is commonly found in people with civil service jobs: police, firemen, and doctors. But the truth is that Hero Syndrome will be found just about anywhere with an office. You may work for them, or they may work for you. In fact, you may even have a Hero Complex!

Although it may seem negative, the Hero Complex is not necessarily a cause for concern. Some people simply want more recognition than others, which is common in an individualistic and capitalist culture. However, there are cases when Hero Complex could result in some dangerous situations.

The Dangers of the Hero Complex

Bitter and hostile environments – As you can imagine, having one person consistently boast about their achievements and abilities can grow old pretty quickly. In teams that require communication and teamwork, the one with Hero Complex may annoy and alienate his teammates.

An illusion of productivity – People with hero complexes may have an inflated sense of their heroism. Although they may remember saving the project before a deadline, other team members may remember them as the source for the delays in the first place.

Arrogance clouding judgment – Those concerned about their self-worth may prioritize their ego over their peers. The result- a focus on vanity metrics and titles over actual work. For example, a doctor may be so focused on getting a promotion that they may neglect their managerial duties in the hospital.

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How to Identify the Hero Complex

Remember, the Hero Complex is not a diagnosable condition, so there’s no surefire way of knowing whether someone “has” the complex. But there are signs that may suggest a person is more likely to have the Hero Complex.

Showboating. People with Hero Complex like recognition- for their work, their clothes, their lifestyle.
Preaching or saving. Some people call it the Savior Complex because of their need to rescue those in need. They may be too quick to give advice or care more about the photo op at a charity event.

Narcissism. While showing off and helping others isn’t exactly a crime, it becomes questionable when the person is vain or self-centered. Narcissism is one of the telltale signs for a Hero Complex.

How to deal with the hero complex

Once again, not everyone with a hero complex will stir trouble. It’s perfectly acceptable if anybody is self-centered or boastful. Only when it begins to affect the work of the business do you need to consider your options.

If you suspect someone of having a disruptive hero complex, first assess why you came to that conclusion- is their behavior affecting the rest of the team’s mood? Does it result in less than acceptable work?

Talk to the person, or if you have an HR department, have someone mediate the conversation first. Let them know that while strong personalities are welcome, it should never make others feel miserable or less productive.

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HOW TO

The Fastest Way to Learn a New Language in 8 Steps

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Maybe you need to learn a new language so you can speak it on an upcoming trip.

Or so you can take on new job responsibilities.

Or so you can read your favorite novel in the language it was first written in.

Whatever your reason for learning a new language, you can probably agree it’d be ideal to learn it fast.

Yet the idea of learning a language, especially when you’re learning it from scratch, seems anything but fast: You’ll have to learn a new grammar, memorize vocabulary words, practice speaking…

But learning a new language doesn’t need to be a slow or tedious process. Although nothing can replace the hard work and effort it requires, you can absolutely learn a new foreign language fast if you follow the right strategy and dedicate yourself to the process.

Follow these eight steps, and you’ll be on your way to mastering that new language faster than you ever imagined!

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The Fastest Way to Learn a New Language in 8 Simple Steps

1. Set language-learning goals.

The first step to learning a new language fast is to set goals for what you want to achieve. When you think about it, this makes a lot of sense. If you don’t set goals, how can you know what you want to achieve and measure whether you have achieved it?

When faced with the idea of learning a new language, most of us feel overwhelmed. There are so many words to learn and so many different ways to study. Setting goals narrows your focus so you can stop worrying about the details and get down to business.

Research shows that people who set the right kind of goals are more likely to achieve success.

Use these guidelines to get the most from your goals:

  • Focus on specific, tangible outcomes. Set detailed goals, and focus on what you plan to learn rather than how much time you plan to study. An example of a good goal might be, “This week I’m going to learn 30 Spanish vocabulary words related to shopping.”
  • Set short-term goals. It’s good to have an ultimate goal—the thing you eventually hope to achieve. But long-term goals are too overwhelming to motivate you on an everyday basis. Break down your ultimate goal into smaller bits, and set smaller goals for each week or month.
  • Challenge yourself (but not too much). Goals work best when they make you push yourself. But if they’re too daunting, they can actually discourage you. A good way to get around this is to set goals with a range of outcomes. For example, you might say, “I want to learn 30-50 new vocabulary words this week.” The lower number in this range helps you feel the goal is achievable, while the higher number allows you to push yourself.
  • Write down your goals. Writing down goals helps you commit to them. Post your goals in a prominent place, like your bathroom mirror or the home screen of your smartphone.

2. Learn the “right” words.

Languages are made up of a shocking number of words. English, for example, has between 600,000 and 1 million words.

Luckily, you don’t need to learn anywhere near that many words to be proficient in a language. Consider this: the top 100 words make up about 50 percent of English language texts, and the top 1,000 words make up about 90 percent!

Check out these lists of the top 1,000 words in these languages:

By focusing on learning these words first, you can eliminate wasted time and increase the amount of information you understand very quickly.

3. Study smart.

When learning your words, you’ll learn faster by using the very best study techniques.

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For example, one of the best ways to learn vocabulary words is to use flashcards. Flashcards help you focus on individual words and allow you to test yourself, which helps you memorize new information.

When you learn with flashcards, follow these tips to learn fast:

  • Try out electronic flashcards. Paper flashcards work just as well as they ever did, but electronic flashcard programs like Anki provide some great benefits. By using electronic flashcards, you can easily carry large stacks on your smartphone or tablet, and you can take advantage of flashcards that other people have created and made public. These programs also automatically change the order of cards and use spaced repetition to gradually increase the amount of time between repetitions of a flashcard. Both of these techniques help you learn faster and better.

To maximize your use of SRS programs and electronic flashcards, check out polyglot Olly Richards’ Conversations course, which is designed to help you set up workable, step-by-step systems for learning your target language. You can also get more targeted help with the Uncovered courses, which introduces the basics of specific languages including Spanish, French, German and Italian.

  • Make sure to guess the meaning of a word before turning over the card. Flashcards work best when you use them to test your memory, so don’t be too quick to flip the cards over. Even if you don’t know a word, make a guess.
  • Learn the translations first, then learn to produce the new words. It’s easier to learn the translation of a foreign word than it is to learn to say the foreign word when you see its English equivalent. Start by looking at the side of the flashcard with a foreign word on it, and memorize what the English translation is. Later, turn the cards over and use them to practice producing the foreign words when you see their English equivalents.

Practice makes perfect, but effective practice makes perfect even faster!

Some more great strategies for integrating new words alongside and beyond flashcards include:

  • Visualize and vocalize. Visualize the word you’re learning, imagine the image of what it represents and say the new word aloud. This helps you connect the concepts and can improve memorization.
  • Gesture. The brain learns better when you use physical actions while learning. Take advantage of this by gesturing. If you want to learn the German word Schuh (shoe), say the word while you pretend to put on a shoe.
  • Use the word in your native language. When you’re learning a new language, it can be hard to practice words in context because you haven’t yet mastered enough vocabulary to make complex sentences. To get around this, simply use the word in your native language. For example, if you’re learning the Spanish word casa (house), you could say, “I’m going to go to my casa now.”
  • Keyword technique. Make up a sentence with the new word you’re learning, the meaning of the word and a word in your native language that sounds similar. For example, if you want to learn the Spanish word mesa (table), you could think of an English word that sounds similar and make up a sentence like, “My kitchen table is always a mess!”  Since “mess” and mesa are very similar, this can help you remember the new word.

4. Start using the language all day, every day.

As a beginner, it can seem overwhelming to try to use the language all day, but it’s not as difficult as it seems. There are many easy and even fun ways to make the language a part of your regular life.

First, make use of every moment you have to learn new words. Take flashcards with you, and study them during your train or bus commute (but not while driving, please!) or when you’re waiting to meet a friend.

When you start to feel tired, switch from active learning to passive learning by doing what you would normally do in your native language in your target language. Try watching a video or TV show, or streaming radio broadcasts in your target language.

There are many online resources to access entertaining audio and video clips. You can go to YouTube, search for radio stations and discover more native language content on the internet.

You may be asking, “How can I possibly watch a video or listen to the radio when I only know a handful of words?”

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That’s where a program like FluentU comes in handy. With the FluentU program, you can watch content in your target language and understand everything thanks to accurate, interactive subtitles. This includes TV show clips, news segments, funny commercials and other native language media.

Besides having subtitles in English and your target language, the FluentU video player also lets you see the definition of any word at a click.

From this screen, you can check the grammar, pronunciation and example sentences of the word you clicked on. You can also see the word in use in other videos and add it as a flashcard.

Personalized exercises, interactive transcripts, vocabulary lists and other learning features round out this learning program. FluentU makes it possible to study with authentic videos in 10 different languages under one account.

So don’t neglect your listening skills, because listening to your target language can have many positive effects, including:

  • Becoming accustomed to the cadence of the language.
  • Learning to identify and understand common words.
  • Learning to understand using only context and a few cognates.
  • Staying motivated!

5. Seek out real-life practice.

Some of the best learning happens in real-life situations, particularly when you have no choice but to use a foreign language.

The easiest way to gain real-life practice is to travel or study abroad. Going abroad creates opportunities to be surrounded by people who speak the language you want to learn, many of whom don’t know your native language.

This is the favorite approach of organizations like the Peace Corps, which regularly places people with little or no knowledge of a language into full immersion situations. Although such situations can be uncomfortable, they provide enormous motivation to learn quickly.

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But even without traveling abroad, you can immerse yourself in real-life situations that give you loads of language practice. Try these options:

  • Meet with a language partner weekly or biweekly. You might pay your language partner for his or her time or offer to exchange one hour of practice in the language you want to learn for an hour of practice speaking English.
  • Join a conversation club. Many cities and schools have conversation clubs where language students meet regularly to practice having informal discussions in their target language.
  • Use an online tutoring or language partner site. Sites such as Coeffee.com or My Language Exchange can introduce you to people who speak the language you want to practice. Even if you don’t see them in person, you can gain real-life language practice by chatting online.
  • Volunteer with immigrants in your city. Find volunteer opportunities on a site like VolunteerMatch or Idealist, or directly contact organizations that serve immigrants who speak the language you want to learn.
  • Visit businesses where people speak primarily your target language. Perhaps there’s a Mexican restaurant nearby where you can enjoy delicious food and practice your Spanish with the waiters or owners, or perhaps you can practice your Chinese at a grocery store that sells food to the local Chinese community.

6. Learn about the culture.

Understanding a language is about more than understanding words on a page. It’s important to learn about the culture and history associated with these words.

Knowing something about a country or culture’s history, current events, religious beliefs and common customs can help you understand a lot about what people say and do.

Researchers have found that children learn to read in a second language better when they understand the culture and context behind the pieces they read.

As you begin to study a new language, take some time to learn about the culture of the people who speak that language. Don’t feel this is a waste of time, even if it involves reading and watching videos in your native language. It will help you enormously and can even prevent you from making embarrassing and potentially offensive mistakes.

7. Test yourself.

Knowing that you plan to take a test is a great way to motivate yourself to learn faster.

Try to regularly test yourself in little ways. If you’re learning from a textbook, take practice tests or complete the exercises at the end of each chapter. You can also play online games or take online tests. Online practice tests can be found in almost any language, including French, Spanish, Japanese and German.

Planning to take a standardized test several months to a year after you begin learning a new language can also keep you motivated, and having the results can help you “prove” your language level to potential employers, schools or even just yourself.

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The ACTFL OPI test is popular in many language-learning circles and widely respected. It tests oral proficiency and provides a score that ranks your level anywhere from “Novice Low” to “Superior.”

Some languages also have a standardized test specific to that language, such as the JLPT for Japanese or the HSK for Chinese. Ask teachers or professionals who know the language what tests they recommend.

8. Have fun!

We tend to learn best when we’re enjoying ourselves, so don’t forget to make language learning fun.

Playing games is a great way to have fun while learning. Games take advantage of our natural competitiveness and can help us practice language skills even when we feel tired.

You can also focus your learning on things that you find interesting, like a favorite hobby.

If you like to sew, for example, study words in your target language related to sewing, watch instructional sewing videos and talk with tailors who speak your target language.

If you’re learning French and fascinated by French politics, learn words used to describe political processes, and immerse yourself in articles about political issues, videos of political debates and talk shows about current events.

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Finally, make friends who speak your target language or are interested in learning it. Languages aren’t meant to be learned in a vacuum! Real-life social events and conversations are what make language learning fun and worthwhile.

Make a point of talking to people and learning more about their lives and cultures.

You might be surprised at how excited they are to share information with you, and how quickly you make lasting friendships in the process.

Written by Katherine Kostiuk
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ENTERTAINMENT

Good Smartphone Manners to Learn

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The use of smartphones has become quite ubiquitous with everyday life. We cannot even remember what the times pre-mobile looked like. Our everyday reality is tightly intertwined with mobile phones. Smartphones are very handy and important. They have also provided immense opportunities for business, connectivity to loved ones and access to information with just a few clicks. However, with this great potential comes a downside. Improper usage of smartphones permeates the very space and world we live in today.

Lets understand some of these etiquettes that may not be respectful and healthy uses of the smartphone.

General mobile phone manners.

There are specific etiquette points that one should keep in mind for certain social situations, such as introducing yourself, not interrupting, and saying please and thank you. However, there are also more generalized rules that should be followed in regard to cell phone use. Here are some universal cell phone etiquette tips to keep in mind:

  • Although it may be tempting, avoid texting during face-to-face conversations;
  • Avoid taking pictures or making videos of everything, everywhere without proper authorization because there are moments they pass across as disrespectful;
  • Avoid accepting calls when you are in the middle of a face-to-face conversation;
  • Avoid watching movies, flicks etc. on your phone without headphones on in a bus or somewhere with other people as no one else is interested in watching it with you;
  • Avoid discussing personal topics in an area where others may hear you as it makes you appear uncouth and uncultured;
  • Avoid using inappropriate pictures for a person’s contact photo;
  • Be aware of the delay between when you speak and when the other person hears it;
  • Be mindful about what you tag people in on social media;
  • Don’t light up your screen in a dark theater or environment where people rely on the dark ambience;
  • Don’t talk/text and drive;
  • Use your Call Filter app for suspicious calls, but avoid using it for friends and family;
  • End the continuing game of phone tag after 4 attempts of reaching out to an individual;
  • Keep a distance of at least 10 feet from the nearest person when talking on your phone;
  • Put your phone on silent mode in theaters, restaurants, plays, performances, and any other group setting where a ring tone may be bothersome;
  • Refrain from blaming the other person if there is a dropped call;
  • Speak in a soft tone when taking calls in public;
  • Try not to look things up (“fact check”) during a conversation, unless you are asked to.

good cell phone manners

Manners for cell phones on dates.

Dating, in general, can be stressful. Individuals may feel the need to impress their date and present themselves well, especially during the early stages of the relationship. Some may partake in phubbing, which is when an individual begins to pay less attention to someone who is talking and more attention to their phone instead — this may be because of nerves, boredom, or out of habit. While it may not be necessary to completely disregard using your phone at any time while on a date, it is important that you be mindful of how you do so. Here are a few tips for proper date night phone etiquette:

  • Ask your date if they would be bothered by you taking pictures of the food, scenery, etc.;
  • Don’t continuously show them things you’ve found on your phone. One or two items may be alright, however, refrain from showing them your entire social media feed, even if you find the content funny;
  • If able to, you should both put your phones away in your bag or pocket;
  • Let your date know ahead of time if you’re expecting an important phone call at any point during your time together;
  • Refrain from nervously going onto your phone;
  • Set your phone on silent.

Manners for cell phones at work.

Prior to following any workplace cell phone etiquette advice, one should first review their specific workplace’s phone policy — this policy should take precedence over any outside advice that is given. Generally speaking, some businesses are becoming more accepting of phones in offices, being more aware that it is possible to maintain workplace productivity in an era of smartphones — as “convenience is a crucial aspect that all organizations and firms look to obtain for their employees. Smartphones provide the ability for employees and clients to communicate and contact one another quickly and efficiently.”

If you are a part of a business that allows you to use your phones, it is important to follow proper cell phone workplace etiquette to help reduce the chances of you getting these privileges taken away.

  • Be aware of your ringtone. If you work at a business that requires you to answer your cell phone often you may want to download a ringtone that sounds professional (no high pitches, isn’t too loud, no obnoxious sounds, no profanity, etc);
  • Don’t look at your phone during meetings;
  • Don’t place your phone on your lap;
  • Focus on the person that should have your attention i.e. customer, client, coworker, boss, etc;
  • Keep your personal calls private;
  • Keep your phone out of sight;
  • Don’t engage in arguments over the phone while at work;
  • Silence your device.

good cell phone manners

Manners for cell phones at professional gatherings.

Just as with informal gatherings such as dates and some workplaces, there are cell phone etiquette tips to keep in mind for professional gatherings such as conferences, training sessions, seminars, product launches, and more:

  • Don’t take photos unless you’re allowed to;
  • Don’t use your phone as a way to avoid social interactions;
  • Focus on face-to-face networking;
  • Keep your phone on silent;
  • Verbally excuse yourself for important calls when necessary;
  • When you do take photos, turn off your flash as a courtesy to others around you.

When to not use your cell phone.

In some scenarios, it is unacceptable to use your mobile phone entirely, despite taking the above etiquette tips into consideration. The following list outlines different situations when you’ll want to avoid your phone altogether:

  • At movie theaters and other large gatherings of any kind;
  • Attending church;
  • While giving birth (Yes, you heard right. Fast becoming a thing);
  • During a job interview;
  • Funerals;
  • When someone is talking to you;
  • While driving;
  • While you’re eating a meal;
  • While you’re studying.

How often you use your cell phone is entirely up to you. However, when doing so, keep in mind that there is a time and place for it. By following the above cell phone etiquette guidelines, you can ensure you’re not being disrespectful or breaking any rules and are mindful of those around you.

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HOW TO

How to Survive an Unhappy Marriage (for the spouse who wants to keep trying)

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We are discussing how to survive an unhappy marriage . Marriage was never meant to be survived. It was meant to be enjoyed, cherished and exciting even with its here and there challenges.

As a much younger therapist i would not have attempted a write-up with this title but with age comes new realities. Living in a happy marriage means that you and your partner are going through the experiences of marriage as a team. This definition by itself sheds light on what an unhappy marriage is. It is hell on earth and leaves you with feelings of shame, regret depression worthlessness and more.

I see many advisors on social media and their various advice on how to leave an unhappy marriage. Despite this advice, i have also noticed that these advisors are the ones who will never let anyone know once their marriages begin to struggle.  – Temple Obike

People who take pride in their ability to walk away are usually the ones who try everything to privately fix a marriage that isn’t working. I may not be 100% correct but i believe this unwillingness to open up is tied into a certain pride in their ability to make good decisions.

This article is for anyone who is currently struggling and trying to at least make an unhappy marriage work.

Just before we proceed, I’d like to mention some tell-tale signs you may be in an unhappy marriage. If there is;

– A persistent issue with communication
– Physical emotional or verbal abuse
– Exclusion of respect for each other or by one party
– A lack of alignment in family priorities
– Pending and unhealed issues due to death, infidelity, financial concerns etc
– Struggle with Intimacy

It could be more than these points above but these are the constants in most unhappy marriages I have seen. At this point it is important to mention that 40% of the marriages around you today are unhappy. The divorce rates around you would attest to this fact. The other 60% comprise of both couples who are happy and those who despite being unhappy decide to keep going. This willingness to keep trying sometimes ends in unhappiness but at other times could also record improvements.

I liken this stage of marriage to the last few miles of a long-distance race. The athlete is metering out little spurts of oxygen. tired yet going the long distance. If you are in an unhappy marriage you must;

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  • Emotionally detach
  • Begin a Self-healing Journey/ Re-discover Yourself
  • Get Professional Help
  • The List

You may shrug off the idea of staying in an unhappy marriage but if your partner has not become abusive and still accords you some respect you may not have a strong reason for leaving that marriage. Reasons such as not having enough finances saved, children, dreading loneliness etc. could keep people in an unhappy marriage. Some couples have gotten to that point where they manage to make this arrangement (though not ideal) work. On the other hand if your unhappiness has abuse as part of it, survival for you could mean a separation from that partner.

Coping with that marriage means that you need to;

Emotionally Detach

Living with a roommate in university describes this mode. Both of you have some form of understanding that allows you get through the days. Unfortunately an unhappy marriage requires that you withdraw emotions and stopping any expectations that things might change. At this point you and your spouse will cater to the finances, children, family and other routine issues in marriage. despite these activities you must not  allow yourself get drawn into emotional arguments.

I know this advice may trouble some of my dear readers but did you know that this is the point most marriages end in even without trying. The emotional turmoil, pain anxiety and trauma can be avoided with just this one step.

Begin a Self-healing Journey/Re-discover  Yourself

Once you stop focusing on the emotional aspect of your marriage, you begin to actually look for other ways to make yourself happy. For many clients, they start to notice aspects of their life that has been neglected for a long while. The top areas of rediscovery were in self-care, career improvement, rebuilding valuable friendships, discovering a hobby/sport/craft and improving their parenting skills.

While all these activities may just represent a distraction to most, it would be amazing for you to remind yourself that your marriage is simply one important facet of your life. these other activities are also equally important. succeeding in one of the facets could also teach you resilience while attempting to succeed in the marital aspects of your life.

Get Professional Help

Being in a marriage over a long period has a way of unifying thought patterns. Two individuals suddenly become one and each spouse suddenly make up half of that unit. In some marriages where the marriage becomes dysfunctional you have also become a contributing agent to dysfunction. This is the point you need objectivity more than anything else.

A professional marriage therapist will provide you with this in couples therapy. At this point, you partner may not be willing to come along with you but dont let it dissuade you. going in for therapy to help yourself gives you perspective and depth on the issues at hand. If you discover you have contributed greatly towards driving your marriage to this point swallow your pride and start making amends with tools acquired in-therapy.  at the end of this process you may just re-discover the better version of yourself formerly lost.

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The List

Now you have detached Emotionally, ee-duscovered yourself and gotten professional help. Your mind is as objective as you can be. This is my favourite part of the entire process only to be embarked upon once you’ve gotten clarity and objectivity.

Step 1: Get out a piece of paper and write out everything about your partner that you complain about

Step 2: Attach a timeline of how long you think it could take them to change this habit if they worked on it. Then double that timeline. Can you wait that long?

Step 3: Write out every negative about yourself that you discovered in therapy. The ones you have succeed in changing write it out but for the ones you still struggle with write out how long you think it may take you to change. Then double it.

Step 4: Request for a conversation with your spouse in a civil and respectful manner. Depending on what both of you enjoy, you can have it in a relaxed atmosphere or without the kids there.

Step 5: Discuss these points as candidly as you can with each other. Do not get drawn into an emotional exchange because you have dealt with this in point 1(Emotionally detach).

After these conversations, the next steps for your marriage would be crystal clear.

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IS IT US OR COULD IT BE OTHER ISSUES?
Most times we are very quick to apportion blame to a spouse without really looking at the real concerns in the marriage. A spouse seeing themselves as having failed, money worries, self-identity, unrealized expectations in a spouse, transitions, feelings of being overburdened amongst many other things can contribute immensely to creating an unhappy environment.

I am only mentioning this aspects because it would only be fair on your part to consider the role these other factors may have played in bringing your marriage to this point. This is not a time to wiggle out by saying that if it affected your marriage that was simply because your partner allowed it happen. If this was so, you could have also been strong enough to handle the adverse effects this had on your marriage by staying strong for the both of you until your partner came around. Afterall you don’t allow situations affect you. This objective approach to assessment would help both of you.

CONCLUSION

Deciding to stay in an unhappy marriage rather than getting a divorce will test you in unprecedented ways. However for couples who learn to navigate this with the points mentioned, most end up finding their way back and reconnecting emotionally.  your ability to exude confidence and stand alone when absolutely necessary is an attractive trait.

Deciding to stay in an unhappy marriage does not make you weak contrary to what popular opinions out there tout rather it takes strength to do this (as long as it’s not for the sole focus of still answering Mr. or Mrs./Pretending all is still well). I truly hope this deciscion would turn out for the best for you and your partner. if you would like us to also assist your marriage, do not fail to reach out to us.

The Damage Predictor Test

This exercise is for every couple who truly need to know if their marriage is in any form of crisis. after taking the test you can score it yourselves. send the part B to anyone who you trust to tell you the whole truth about yourself.

 

This may not have been the most exciting of articles especially if you are caught up in a situation-ship as they call it at you workplace. However i just told you everything you need to help you navigate this affair and come out clean without losing your job or your home. If you’d like to let us know how this went for you, feel free to contact us via email.

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Written by Obike Temple.
Temple Obike is a licensed marriage and family therapist, speaker, author and psychotherapist who has counseled over one thousand, two hundred clients comprising of couples, individuals, abuse victims (substance, physical, emotional and sexual) and grief-stricken clients. With over 100,000 in-counseling minutes accrued in practice.
He runs his private psychotherapy & counseling practice out of Lagos, Nigeria and has counseling centers in Abuja and Port-Harcourt. His practice also provides options for both online and on-site services.His private practice has positively empowered lives through his online counseling, podcasts, free advisory services and free online materials.  
Readership of his articles also receive a growing number of visitors alongside subscriptions to his email newsletter at templescounsel.com. His passion for empowering and uncovering the secrets to lifelong marriages and personal development led to his new book titled “Soul Bodega” available on amazon and across other online and traditional stores.Never give up on yourself! You are a journey happening through various destinations.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit our website for more info!
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