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MENTAL HEALTH

Types of Infidelity and how to protect yourself

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Today we’ll be talking about a topic “Understanding affair types and Learning How to Protect Yourself”.

Having observed many couples and individuals struggle with affairs, the identification of the reason an affair happened and the type of affair your partner may be embroiled in is usually one of the major determinants that show if you or your partner will survive the aftermath of an affair.

I have seen many individuals going through a rough period in their marriages yet affairs were the furthest thing on their mind. However, for many others, having affairs was their way of coping with the kink in their relationship. The point I’m simply trying to bring out is this;

“People have affairs and blame it on the fact that a need wasn’t met in their marriage. This is wrong because affairs are choices (sometimes unconscious) based on life-long patterns”.      – Temple Obike, LMFT.

 

The advancements in the field of psychology are helping us understand the various affair types and how to identify them. The points below are condensed identifications of the various affair types. If you can understand why you cheated or were cheated on, you might just be able to save our relationship.

Types of Infidelity and how to protect yourself

 

AFFAIR TYPES:

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Affair Type 1 – Accidental Affair

This affair type is usually the one that blind-sides you. Your partner (or you) are on a business trip, at the office or just going along your merry way. You ventured into somewhere or find yourself in a situation that stirs up some emotional longings that generates erotic heat between you and someone. This is something that usually occurs when an individual decides to give themselves a relaxed time. That massage, catching a few drinks or being somewhere where no one knows you.

This sometimes occurs with someone known but most times it occurs with strangers. It is usually stirred by drinks or the use of recreational drugs. It’s not pre-planned or pre-meditated, has no emotional investment and has a very good chance of recovery.

 

Advice: If you find yourself in locations that afford you a measure of anonymity, set up extra layers of boundaries such as getting drinks back to your hotel room rather than drinking in open spaces or simply enjoy video calls with your significant other at times when you personally know you’re succeptible to loneliness or boredom. These video calls can have an unwritten rule that says “whoever falls asleep first can turn off the video”. This is a personal favorite for me as a traveling therapist because it’s a rule that’s been saving my marriage since 1602.

Affair Type 2 – The Avoidance Affairs

This affair type is the majority of what we have out there. You know you are embroiled in this when you find out you’re constantly using these terms. “we don’t have sex always”, “We argue all the time” etc.

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This affair type is with people who are generally nice. So nice that they will never have any conflict with you. It’s usually very predictable, lacks structure and most importantly gives you that feeling of being able to be your real self with the affair partner. If growing up you have faced issues such as neglect, shame, abandonment or interfaced with people who are toxic, it may turn you into someone who seeks out or enables this affair type.

Advice: The moment you begin feeling very free with someone of the opposite gender or believe they seem to understand you better than your partner or spouse, It’s the tipping point. Especially if you are married or in a committed relationship. Set up extra boundaries for yourself such as not being alone with the person or simply telling your partner about this person so you have an accountability partner

Affair Type 3 – Philanderer Affair

This is the consummate womanizer whose escapades has nothing to do with their partner. Their affairs look like conquests and have no emotional attachment. They regularly switch partners, have a sexist approach to gender discussions, they lie, they’re insecure and enjoy the concept of seduction. The key determining factor for this type of affair is that when they get caught, they do not feel humiliated but instead are pained by the new power their spouse has with the discovery of the affair.

 

Gay men, lesbians, heterosexuals etc. can all be philanderers. Their sexuality is fueled by ANGER and FEAR. This broad description pretty much points to the fact that everyone can be a victim of this affair type.

Advice: This affair type is purely voluntary and anyone involved in this needs to first make a deciscion to change, understand the origins of this behavior and then seek out help.

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Available on Podcast:

 

Affair Type 4 – Entitlement Affairs

This affair type is usually long-term and the partner who strays most times has a measure of success. They are powerful, celebrities, charming and accomplished. It usually occurs in relationships where both partners are accomplished and professionals. When two partners begin to live separate lives, entitlement affairs are not far away.

The 3rd party affair partner is usually attracted to the aura and power of the straying partner and they most times have more things in common with the straying partner than their spouse does. These are the affairs that leave the straying partner feeling like their hard work and peak performing life entitles them to the perks and associated affairs it brings. Most narcissists will have entitlement affairs in their lifetime. These type are usually in a marriage triangle where they do not want to be married but also don’t want to be divorced. They sometimes are not very much into sex and marriage with its conjugal commitments becomes an issue for them.

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Advice: When you feel you deserve an affair owing to status, the first step is to again understand that this is a highly narcistic trait that stems from an insecurity. This level of understanding introduces the willingness to seek out the help you desire.

 

Affair Type 5 – The Split Self Affair

This affair type signals the marriage has very serious problems because the marriage issues aren’t usually the reason the affair happens but instead there is something stopping the cheating spouse from even beginning to work on the marriage. These types usually have affairs with people who give them a lot more than sex but instead provide validation, makes them feel special and needed. Individuals who have these types of affair have a 50% chance of either exiting their marriage or fixing their marriage.

These affairs begin from places of great value. It begins from religious congregations, the office, school, with people paid to exchange value (nannies, prostitutes, personal assistants etc). If your spouses affair partner is a man/woman who is younger than them, a man/woman with a challenging childhood or someone who works under your partner then it’s beyond sex but a need for something that isn’t present in the marriage. Reverse engineering these points is one of the therapists best shots at saving the marriage.

Advice: When you begin to develop feelings for someone who reports to or works for you, that isn’t a bad thing if you aren’t in a relationship or married. However if any of the mentioned scenarios are existing, this signals that your relationship is undergoing a tumultuous period. My advice is that you go back and work on your relationship or seek out help from a therapist or marriage counselor.

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Type 6: The Exit Affair

There are many marriages where one of the partners is ready to leave the marriage but are waiting for that one reason to finally make the move. You know this affair types when the marriage being understudied has built up so much resentment over the years, the partners are not willing to to meet each others needs and they got to a numb point where they erroneously believed that no quarrels meant all was well.

 

You can recognize this affair type when the children are now leaving home, active service/retirement from work is initiated or the end of a career has begun. In recent times, I also noticed that partners were secretly gay usually use this period to leave their marriage as they feel their life is almost at it’s twilight and they have just a few years to be truly themselves.

 

Advice: This is usually one of the most difficult affairs to get back from because clients who are usually at this point may have already decided to move on from their relationship. The affair was simply their motivation or reason for doing this. Therapy can help but like i mentioned, its usually a 50:50.

 

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Type 7: The Sex Addict Affair

This is an affair type that emanates from a serious problem where there’s a pattern of risky sexual behavior even if you can see the negative effects it’s having on your life. I will like to spend a little time on this affair type because many are in denial of the hold this affair type has on them.

Like any other addictions, even when you genuinely want to change you still discover that you cannot change. I have quietly watched people argue on the topic ” sex cant be as addictive as alcohol and substance abuse” and their arguments are based on the fact that there are no chemicals being introduced into the body as found in the cases of alcohol or drug addiction.

Unfortunately with sex addiction, it’s far worse because the body produces many hormones and neurotransmitters during sex that produces the same high a drug addict gets. This is the reason most other addictions will always lead to risky sexual behaviour or full-blown sex. Sex addicts are usually individuals who were abused, neglected or have a history of addiction somewhere in their family line. The shame and denial associated with sexual behavior has sometimes tightened the grasp of this addiction on those affected by it.

Individuals battling with sex addiction themed affairs are compulsive masturbators, watch porn, engage in risky sexual behaviour, have multiple sexual partners, frequent massage parlors(with happy endings 🙂) and keep loads of sexual paraphernalia that gives them more intense ways to explore/feed into this addiction.

What causes sexual addiction?

At the core of sex addiction lies tainted family history and associated shame, that mismanaged fear of intimacy and anger. Incest, avoidance of sex education, double-standards, sexual secrets, or sexual acting out by a parent (such as affairs or pornography use) are also other reasons an addiction to sex takes root.

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Due to the shame and fear I mentioned earlier, an individual addicted to sex will not seek out help but would rather initiate the dual life fueled by addiction. This speedily onboards other addictive behaviours making the victim feel trapped and hopeless.

 

How You Know This May Be Your Battle

1. You have had a pattern of extramarital affairs that were purely sexual in nature.

2. You can see your marriage going to ruins, you want to save it but the inner motivation to do this isn’t there.

3. You thought that getting married was going to help you solve this problem but instead you discovered that you only stopped for a while and the urge came back a few months after marriage. ( note: I have spoken to former sex workers, play boys, escorts who believed that marriage was the antidote only to discover that they had absolutely no control over the habit. If any of the descriptions I used applies to you, opt for therapy and refuse the urge to dose pain with drug use)

4. You tried to stop, succeeded for a whole but somehow its begun again.

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Below are a few questions that will help you know if you’re battling with sex addiction. If 3 to 4 of the points seem familiar, you can try and talk to a professional who could help you better understand where you are with this concern being discussed. There is no shame in it.

The following questions below may assist you in identifying possible signs of sex addiction.

1 Have you ever tried to stop a particular sexual behaviour?

2 Is your sexual behaviour making you compromise some good personal values you have?

3 Does sexual or erotic desires/ thoughts preoccupy your mind at productive times of day?

4 Does your sexual behaviour make you feel bad?

5 Do you neglect important aspects of your life due to a particular sexual behaviour i.e job, family, friends or leisure activities.

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6 Do you use erotic, romantic or sexual fantasies as an escape from your problems?

7 Have you ever or recently used the internet for erotic or sexual purposes?

8 Does your sexual behavior cause constant friction into your life?

9 Have you ever participated in sexual activity in exchange for money or gifts?

If you answered YES to three or more of the above questions you may have a problem with sex addiction.

Advice: Simply get help because an addiction to sex is a serious concern that has the ability to damage the individual, their health and their relationship. Get across to a therapist near you, sign a client confidentiality form and enroll for a recovery programme.

This is where I’d love to conclude today’s discussion. I believe we’ve been able to clearly distinguish between the various affair types and hopefully know that there is no shame in seeking help if you are having an affair. Don’t wait until you are caught to get help.

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Written by Temple Obike

A licensed marriage and family therapist, speaker and psychotherapist who has counseled over six hundred clients comprising couples, indikviduals, substance, sexual or physical abuse victims and grief-stricken clients. He runs his private travel psychotherapy & counseling practice in Lagos, Abuja and Port-Harcourt providing mental health solutions.

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HEALTH

‘Trading is gambling, no doubt about it’ – Does cryptocurrency dealing fuel addiction?

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‘Trading is gambling, no doubt about it’ – Does cryptocurrency dealing fuel addiction? This is a question coming up and asked on therapy couches as a new trend is beginning to emerge.

Raised on the remote Shetland archipelago, he left school at 13 to become a trawlerman before moving into construction, eventually earning £85,000 a year digging tunnels for Crossrail.

Despite his self-made success, compulsive cryptocurrency trading, alcohol and drug use took over his life.

In the fog of multiple addictions, he lost the “addresses” of between five and 10 bitcoins, rendering his digital buried treasure – worth up to £300,000 today – impossible to retrieve.

Steven spotted the potential of bitcoin early and he had a talent for trading. But even if he had that money now, his addiction means it would soon be squandered.

“Trading is gambling, there’s no doubt about it,” he says.

“I studied and studied. I taught myself how to be a good trader and tried really hard to manage my accounts and stick to a set of rules.

“But my mind would twist and I’d go all in, like a poker player that thought he had the perfect hand. I was convinced I was going to be a bitcoin millionaire.”

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Now in recovery at the Castle Craig residential treatment clinic in Scotland, Steven fears that legions of young people are being lured into high-risk trading and potentially addiction, based on the same misguided quest for untold riches.

“A whole generation think that with a little mobile phone they can win, that they can … beat the market,” he says.

“It scares the bejesus out of me.”

‘Trading is gambling, no doubt about it’ – Does cryptocurrency dealing fuel addiction?© Provided by The Guardian Representation of cryptocurrency dogecoin. Photograph: Dado Ruvić/Reuters

Steven’s fears are founded partly on crypto’s rapid emergence into the mainstream.

When he started investing in 2015, digital currencies meant nothing to most people.

Now, they are being touted as a more democratic alternative to a monopolistic and exploitative global financial system.

As the Guardian revealed on Friday today, crypto firms launched a record-breaking promotional push in London last year, targeting millions of commuters with 40,000 adverts on billboards, at tube stations, in carriages and across the side of double decker buses.

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Advertisers included relatively obscure names such as Hex, Kraken and Puglife about whom consumers know little, if anything.

Meanwhile, football clubs and players, not to mention globally recognised celebrities, tout crypto investments on a daily basis via social media.

This week, reality TV star Kim Kardashian West and boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr were named in a lawsuit alleging that they helped promote crypto firm EthereumMax, as it made “false and misleading” statements that left investors nursing heavy losses.

An Instagram post about EthereumMax, to Kardashian’s 250 million followers, may have been the most widely seen financial promotion of all time, according to the head of the UK’s Financial Conduct Authority (FCA).

Yet despite their ascendancy – and warnings that governments could suffer “limitless” losses – cryptoassets remain unregulated in the UK, pending a Treasury review.

That means that the FCA, the UK’s financial regulator, is all but powerless to influence how the industry behaves.

While some trading platforms that offer digital assets are regulated – because they also offer more traditional financial instruments – crypto coins and tokens are not.

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Cryptoasset executives do not have to prove that they are fit and proper people to take people’s money. The companies they run are not required to hold enough cash to repay investors if they go bust. Nor must they worry about the FCA’s stipulation that financial promotions, such as those splashed across public transport in London, are fair, clear and not misleading.

Amid the marketing blitz, the Advertising Standards Authority is the only watchdog that has bared its teeth. It is investigating one advert by the cryptocurrency Floki Inu and has already banned one for Luno Money.

‘Trading is gambling, no doubt about it’ – Does cryptocurrency dealing fuel addiction?© Provided by The Guardian A cryptocurrency poster advert at a London tube station. Photograph: Gavin Rodgers/Alamy

“If you’re seeing bitcoin on a bus, it’s time to buy,” the Luno advert insisted, contrary to prevailing investment wisdom.

Luno Money told the Guardian it would welcome an “effective regulatory framework”.

But in the ongoing vacuum of oversight, experts fear that cautionary tales of addiction, such as the one told by Steven, are being drowned out by powerful, overwhelmingly positive messages.

To monitor the type of messaging sent out by marketing teams, the Guardian created an experimental cryptocurrency portfolio – holding a mixture of bitcoin, ether and Shiba Inu.

As bitcoin slumped towards the end of 2021 and into 2022, having reached all-time highs just weeks earlier, the Twitter account of smartphone trading app eToro remained doggedly optimistic.

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“Is bitcoin on its way to a new high?,” it asked, as the slide began. “We’ve seen bitcoin rally before. But could this be the one to take it to the MOON?”

The answer, for the time being at least, was “No”. But holders of crypto portfolios were encouraged to stay positive.

“Your account gained 1.87% yesterday,” one app notification read, as the slump abated. “You had a good day. Share the news with everyone.”

No such invitation appeared on the far more frequent days when the value of the Guardian’s portfolio went down.

“It’s a very strategic marketing ploy,” says Dr Anna Lembke, one of the world’s foremost addiction experts, professor of psychiatry at Stanford University School of Medicine and author of the book Dopamine Nation.

“They’re encouraging you to amplify the wins and ignore the losses, creating a false impression there are more wins.”

Asked about this, eToro says that it is “committed to helping retail investors engage with each other and foster an environment of learning and collaboration”, adding that its platform is not “gamified”.

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According to eToro’s UK managing director, Dan Moczulski, some users make their account public so that “all investments are visible to others, whether they are profitable or not”.

The company said it also provides educational tools, performs know-your-customer checks and encourages long-term, diversified investing.

But Dr Lembke is concerned by the potential for the social media element to fuel compulsive behaviour in crypto trading, an activity she says bears the hallmarks of addictive gambling products but without the acknowledged risk.

“When you mix social media with financial platforms, you make a new drug that’s even more potent,” she says.

Social media posts pushing crypto frequently refer to Fomo – the fear of missing out – fuelling an urge to participate.

“You get this herd mentality where people talk to each other about what the market is doing, they have wins together, losses together, … an intense shared emotional experience.”

“We get a little spike in dopamine, followed by a little deficit that has us looking to recreate that state.”

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This, she says, echoes characteristics of gambling but with a crucial difference.

“It’s less stigmatised,” she says. “It has this socially sanctioned status as something that maverick smart people do.”

Parallels with gambling are becoming harder to ignore.

GamCare, which runs the National Gambling Helpline, said it fields about 20 calls a week related to crypto. Callers reported trading for 16 hours a day, making huge losses and struggling to cope with the guilt.

As with gambling, where every one addict is estimated to harm seven other people, many were suffering at the hands of someone else’s habit.

One recounted how her partner’s trading obsession was leading them to spend time away from the family. Another said their partner had taken to trading while in recovery from alcoholism, spending every waking hour making trades.

GamCare has even dealt with young patients who bought digital coins in a desperate attempt to make enough money to get on to the property ladder, only to lose life-changing sums.

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At Castle Craig, where Steven is receiving treatment, the first crypto addict arrived at the clinic in 2016, followed by more than 100 since then.

“More and more people are isolated and are doing this [trading], especially since Covid,” says Tony Marini, the senior specialist therapist at the clinic and a recovering gambling addict himself.

“It’s tenfold already since 2016, so what’s it going to be like in the next five years?”

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CRIME

Brazil Wife Beats Husband’s Mistress Then Throws Her Off Bridge (VIDEO)

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The phrase “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” took on a literal meaning last week when a wife in Brazil, angry after catching her husband cheating on her, managed to get her hands on his mistress, beating her up in front of her house before dragging her through the streets by her hair and tossing her off a bridge.

The incident, which was caught on camera – but only starts from the middle of the savage assault – began when the woman caught her husband cheating on her with a blonde.

The mistress can be seen trying to cling on to a gate while the spurned wife angrily grips her hair and strikes her over the head.

Unable to fight back, the mistress screams in agony as her lover’s wife drags her along the ground, down the street and across the road to a bridge. The pair is then joined by another woman, later revealed to be a friend of the wife’s, who helps throw the mistress off a 10-foot-high bridge.

 

The women then wipe their hands of the deed and walk off as the mistress struggles to stand up and compose herself after being tossed into the water.

It’s unclear whether the woman was injured during the attack.

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Watch a video of the beating HERE.

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AFRICA

How to Enjoy Your Holidays Even with Unresolved Issues

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Οur topic for today is simply on How to Enjoy Your Holidays Even with Unresolved Issues . 

A turbulent marriage or relationship is already as tough as it gets and sometimes, having to leave the house every now and then to work provides the getaway couples need to cope with their issues. The holiday period is such a difficult period for struggling marriages because it’s usually a reflective time that intensifies the depth of the issues (infidelity, poor communication, emotional disconnect, distance, loneliness, betrayal etc.) faced. The past few months, a bulk of my sessions had been built around survival skills that can help couples pull through while they are in “Marriage Recovery” therapy  .

To survive this period, here are some quick skills required as we look forward to better days aided by intentional effort in-therapy. However, some of these are also things learnt from clients who applied it positively to their life.

 

Available on Podcast:

 

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Our Tips

A) Treat Yourself Well – Things may not be amazing between yourself and your partner but this does not mean you cannot treat yourself well. Caring and pampering yourself is a gift you must give yourself this period. Have warm baths with scents, listen to beautiful music, curl up to good movies with a warm mug of tea of coffee and ensure that you go visiting loved ones. Give yourself the love you deserve.

B) Protect Your Kids From this Madness – If the both of you are having issues, it doesn’t have to affect the children. Christmas is a period that both the little and big babies in our homes tie lots of memories to. Do NOT spoil it for them because if you do, you cannot go back and correct it when things do get better. Instead they will love you and your partner for trying to set aside your differences on their behalf.

If you have allowed this affect time with the children, i suggest you get a piece of paper and list out 2 or 3 places you know the kids would love. Bake a good cookie, create something with them and if like me you have more than two kids, You and your partner should call them in one after the other starting from the youngest to oldest and have one on one time with each person for 15 minutes after which you hug them and have the next person come in. After all of this have everyone come in together and watch a movie.

Note: This is a good time to casually chip in plans for the new year too.

C) Here and Now is All That Matters – Everything may not be ideal for you and your partner but it’s the holiday season. Keep yourself from re-inforcing your fears. While im not a strong believer in hoping for things you are not working towards, i still believe in miracles. Focus on the here and now, enjoy the time with family and spread the love and cheer. Do not forget that this holiday comes just once every year. Enjoy it and you have the other days to attempt to handle the issues troubling your marriage.

Note: If you are not the one attempting to handle this maturely, it would be good to recognize the effort required to put aside hurt and spread love. With this in mind, allow your partner and family the joy of the season. Relax a little and you cold also get infected with the joy of the season.

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D) The Only Thing Within Your Immediate Control is Yourself – Peace, love and understanding are all choices. Enjoy the season and avoid triggers and gaslighting’s.  Rather than fight or be drawn into an argument, you can decide to respectfully inform your partner that you want to talk about the issues after the holidays and advice that the both of you practice the other tips in this article to get you through this holiday period.

However, if your partner is willing to make this argument constructive, coax them into playing this amazing game with them. Download a free resource here

E) Reflect,  Identify Patterns and Take Notes – Use this period to both reflect on your marriage. What were the common grounds for both of you in this marriage? What three things attracted you to your partner, what five things do you wish can be re-introduced into this marriage? Click here to download a free “Candid Assessment Test”.

While the kids are having a good time, this could be a great exercise for both of you.

Well, that’s all for today as I shouldn’t be writing anyways. I hope you and yours a merry holiday period despite anything both of you may be going through.

Written by Obike Temple.

Temple Obike is a licensed marriage and family therapist, speaker, author and psychotherapist who has counseled over one thousand, two hundred clients comprising of couples, individuals, abuse victims (substance, physical, emotional and sexual) and grief-stricken clients. With over 70,000 in-counseling minutes (1,000+ hours) accrued in practice. He runs his private psychotherapy & counseling practice out of Lagos, Nigeria and has counseling centers in Abuja and Port-Harcourt. His practice also provides options for both online and on-site services.

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His private practice has positively empowered lives through his online counseling, podcasts, free advisory services and free online materials.  Readership of his articles also receive a growing number of visitors alongside subscriptions to his email newsletter at templeobike.com. His passion for empowering and uncovering the secrets to lifelong marriages and personal development led to his new book titled “Soul Bodega” available on amazon and across other online and traditional stores.

Never give up on yourself! You are a journey happening through various destinations.

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MENTAL HEALTH

When your partner still talks to their affair partner

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An affair partner who still speaks to your spouse or beloved is one that makes you lose sleep. It is already bad enough that your partner had an affair but now having to tolerate and almost plead with them to stop contacting their affair partner is literally “taking the piss”.

As a therapist my first incline is to help you navigate the pain as the one who was cheated on and for the partner who cheated, assist you in letting go of your affair partner completely both physically and emotionally. These steps are applicable and work under situations where we are talking about affairs that aren’t facilitated by any form of otherworldly assistance.
You: Hold on, are you saying you believe in the spiritual and its role in affairs? 
Me: The flipping heck yeah!
The choice to ignore the existence of a realm beyond the one you perceive with your 5 senses doesn’t keep you safe or logical, it’s sensory suicide. -Temple Obike
Resolving infidelity and recovering fully from it is possible. The fact that you were cheated on by your partner does not make you the victim. In actual fact, the partner who cheated IS THE VICTIM. I know you may not believe this but a quick read on my post about Understanding Affair Types may help you with this.
There is a case Study:
The concern:
My wife had an affair with a man she met in June 2021 after joining a multi-level marketing company in Nigeria. I caught her having x-rated video calls, sending nudes and chatting explicitly with this man and she has cried, begged and pleaded that i forgive her. I told my elder brother about what happened and he advised  that i give her a chance. I have done all this but she still speaks to this man.
She sneaks to go visit him and i had to call him at some point to request that he stays away from my wife. He denied any affair but when i gave him my facts, telling him my wife had confessed and shown me his pictures, given his address and office location, he apologised. What worries me the most is that i saw a message from my wife to him asking him why he was being cold towards her even after i had to call him myself.
RESPONSE:
The funny thing about an affair and it’s associated emotions is that after a while it starts to mirror a drug use scenario. It begins with little flashes of self-esteem boosts courtesy of dopamine release coming from the affirming words the affair partner (AP) says to you. The danger and thought of getting caught heightens your adrenaline rush as well. So you are hooked on two hormones at once.
Ending the relationship with the AP is a very gradual process. There will be resolute deciscion moments and then followed by moments of indecision. At Temple’s Counsel & Mind Academy, we conducted a research on affairs and why it’s difficult for men and women to end them with about 200 respondents. The 5th reason given was Poor self esteem meaning that the individual suddenly felt better about themselves the moment someone else started telling them sweet and reaffirming words they were not hearing from their spouse/partner. The other reasons were, disconnection between partners, poor communication, Heavy internet use(social media/forums), boredom, alcohol use, porn addiction, revenge and so on.
The type of affair you had will most times determine the length of time required to end it. A one-night stand is easier to break than a sexual addiction or Exit Affair.

Available on Podcast:

If you and your partner are caught up in this affair triangle, here are practical steps to take;
A) Understand It’s Your Spouses Problem not Yours: As difficult as this is for you, You have to first of all know this and then define your standards. You need to begin planning for your future.  Let your partner know that you would love them to feature in it but if it doesn’t happen, you will still do amazingly well creating it for yourself. This thought is the first thing that ensures you do not tolerate abuse.
B) Go Bigger Picture: Sometimes it helps to also begin going the petty “in the moment” happenings. Look at the grander picture and see if things are changing, Maybe they stay at home a bit more, maybe they can now leave their phones near you and attend to other things, Do they listen more etc. Notice these things and you would not be bothered too much about the current situation.
C) Have a Supportive Group Who Truly Care: When going through situations like this, what tops your wish list is to be listened to and understood. This is the time to get emotionally mature family members of friends (not those who would dip into some popcorn while observing things unfold with you). Affairs are quite complex and take some time to get resolved. While the memories and pain experienced due to the disappointment will get better over an average of 4 years, you will never forget the issue. You need this support group to help you through this traumatic phase.
D) Be Direct: When your partner asks you to give them more time to “resolve the issue”, you must unpack this statement by asking them “What do you mean by this”? OR “Tell me 2 things you need to do to achieve this? Once your partner can have a conversation around this and you hear active steps and points, then both of you may recover from this point. If it’s met with subtle or obvious anger/reluctance, there may just be bigger problems ahead.
E) Demand Boundaries: After the affair and a certain reluctance to completely let go, you are well within your rights to demand that boundaries be set between your partner and their affair partner. You cannot share your spouse with another man or woman and thats that. If this is not met with respect, i can tell you that your marriage may be toxic or abusive. (Learn about the toxic types and how to handle them)
Navigating infidelity could be a very sensitive place to find yourself  and as much as infidelity must not be condoned,  opting for a divorce after one or two affair episodes really may not be a great move.
Please note: I have heard spouses temm me that they told their partners that infidelity was the deal breaker for them but yet, here they are. I tell them that it’ amazing to mention at the onset but theres a downside to it. Please allow me these few lines to explain. In Neuro-lingusitic Programming, Modeling is one of the NLP training techniques that has gained the most attention from successful entrepreneurs, athletes and more. It’s based on the law of attraction – the idea “Whatever (positive or negative) you consistently think about and focus upon you move toward.”
Everytime you tell your spouse that infidelity is a deal breaker, you are unknowingly “modeling” The more they think about it as a fear for their marriage, they gravitate towards it. You have just programmed them to first move towards it and secondly not inform you when they begin struggling with it.

This is where I’d love to conclude today’s discussion. I believe we’ve been able to come up with actionable steps that would help you navigate this period when your partner isn’t letting go of their affair partner.

 

Written by Obike Temple.

Temple Obike is a licensed marriage and family therapist, speaker, author and psychotherapist who has counseled over one thousand, two hundred clients comprising of couples, individuals, abuse victims (substance, physical, emotional and sexual) and grief-stricken clients. With over 70,000 in-counseling minutes (1,000+ hours) accrued in practice. He runs his private psychotherapy & counseling practice out of Lagos, Nigeria and has counseling centers in Abuja and Port-Harcourt. His practice also provides options for both online and on-site services.

His private practice has positively empowered lives through his online counseling, podcasts, free advisory services and free online materials.  Readership of his articles also receive a growing number of visitors alongside subscriptions to his email newsletter at templeobike.com. His passion for empowering and uncovering the secrets to lifelong marriages and personal development led to his new book titled “Soul Bodega” available on amazon and across other online and traditional stores.

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