How to Survive an Unhappy Marriage (for the spouse who wants to keep trying)

It could be more than these points above but these are the constants in most unhappy marriages I have seen. At this point it is important to mention that 40% of the marriages around you today are unhappy. The divorce rates around you would attest to this fact. The other 60% comprise of both couples who are happy and those who despite being unhappy decide to keep going. This willingness to keep trying sometimes ends in unhappiness but at other times could also record improvements.

I liken this stage of marriage to the last few miles of a long-distance race. The athlete is metering out little spurts of oxygen. tired yet going the long distance. If you are in an unhappy marriage you must;

• Emotionally detach
• Begin a Self-healing Journey/ Re-discover Yourself
• Get Professional Help
• The List

You may shrug off the idea of staying in an unhappy marriage but if your partner has not become abusive and still accords you some respect you may not have a strong reason for leaving that marriage. Reasons such as not having enough finances saved, children, dreading loneliness etc. could keep people in an unhappy marriage. Some couples have gotten to that point where they manage to make this arrangement (though not ideal) work. On the other hand if your unhappiness has abuse as part of it, survival for you could mean a separation from that partner.

Emotionally Detach

Living with a roommate in university describes this mode. Both of you have some form of understanding that allows you get through the days. Unfortunately an unhappy marriage requires that you withdraw emotions and stopping any expectations that things might change. At this point you and your spouse will cater to the finances, children, family and other routine issues in marriage. despite these activities you must not  allow yourself get drawn into emotional arguments.

I know this advice may trouble some of my dear readers but did you know that this is the point most marriages end in even without trying. The emotional turmoil, pain anxiety and trauma can be avoided with just this one step.

Begin a Self-healing Journey/Re-discover  Yourself

Once you stop focusing on the emotional aspect of your marriage, you begin to actually look for other ways to make yourself happy. For many clients, they start to notice aspects of their life that has been neglected for a long while. The top areas of rediscovery were in self-care, career improvement, rebuilding valuable friendships, discovering a hobby/sport/craft and improving their parenting skills.

While all these activities may just represent a distraction to most, it would be amazing for you to remind yourself that your marriage is simply one important facet of your life. these other activities are also equally important. succeeding in one of the facets could also teach you resilience while attempting to succeed in the marital aspects of your life.

Get Professional Help

Being in a marriage over a long period has a way of unifying thought patterns. Two individuals suddenly become one and each spouse suddenly make up half of that unit. In some marriages where the marriage becomes dysfunctional you have also become a contributing agent to dysfunction. This is the point you need objectivity more than anything else.

A professional marriage therapist will provide you with this in couples therapy. At this point, you partner may not be willing to come along with you but dont let it dissuade you. going in for therapy to help yourself gives you perspective and depth on the issues at hand. If you discover you have contributed greatly towards driving your marriage to this point swallow your pride and start making amends with tools acquired in-therapy.  at the end of this process you may just re-discover the better version of yourself formerly lost.

The List

Now you have detached Emotionally, ee-duscovered yourself and gotten professional help. Your mind is as objective as you can be. This is my favourite part of the entire process only to be embarked upon once you’ve gotten clarity and objectivity.

Step 1: Get out a piece of paper and write out everything about your partner that you complain about

Step 2: Attach a timeline of how long you think it could take them to change this habit if they worked on it. Then double that timeline. Can you wait that long?

Step 3: Write out every negative about yourself that you discovered in therapy. The ones you have succeed in changing write it out but for the ones you still struggle with write out how long you think it may take you to change. Then double it.

Step 4: Request for a conversation with your spouse in a civil and respectful manner. Depending on what both of you enjoy, you can have it in a relaxed atmosphere or without the kids there.

Step 5: Discuss these points as candidly as you can with each other. Do not get drawn into an emotional exchange because you have dealt with this in point 1(Emotionally detach).

After these conversations, the next steps for your marriage would be crystal clear.

I am only mentioning this aspects because it would only be fair on your part to consider the role these other factors may have played in bringing your marriage to this point. This is not a time to wiggle out by saying that if it affected your marriage that was simply because your partner allowed it happen. If this was so, you could have also been strong enough to handle the adverse effects this had on your marriage by staying strong for the both of you until your partner came around. Afterall you don’t allow situations affect you. This objective approach to assessment would help both of you.

Deciding to stay in an unhappy marriage rather than getting a divorce will test you in unprecedented ways. However for couples who learn to navigate this with the points mentioned, most end up finding their way back and reconnecting emotionally.  your ability to exude confidence and stand alone when absolutely necessary is an attractive trait.

Deciding to stay in an unhappy marriage does not make you weak contrary to what popular opinions out there tout rather it takes strength to do this (as long as it’s not for the sole focus of still answering Mr. or Mrs./Pretending all is still well). I truly hope this deciscion would turn out for the best for you and your partner. if you would like us to also assist your marriage, do not fail to reach out to us.

The Damage Predictor Test

This exercise is for every couple who truly need to know if their marriage is in any form of crisis. after taking the test you can score it yourselves. send the part B to anyone who you trust to tell you the whole truth about yourself.