My topic for today is “Every Cheating Partner MUST be doing 4 of these 13 things”. A topic i’m going to shed some light on because it’s become somewhat of a pressing need. Every Affair has a reason for beginning and in another article i wrote i described types of affairs and how to protect yourself from them.
Sometime in 2018 after a workshop in Sandton. A gentleman walked up to me, greeted and asked. “Can you give me a couple of signs that show my partner may be cheating on me”. I was taken aback because back home in Nigeria this was fast becoming a fairly regular question as well.
It’s an amazing thing sitting in a quiet corner during a criminal questioning session and getting paid afterwards for deciphering body language. Talking to an inmate who obviously is telling the truth and deserves nothing about his current circumstances. Infact it’s exciting speaking to people and being able to help them unpack emotions and thoughts. However, the worst tragedy that can befall a human being is being able to read, interpret and predict human intention to an uncomfortable degree. This is simply because you will approach the relational aspect of your personal life with caution. Your most enjoyable moments will come when you drive, fly or simply go to remote places hundreds of miles away from familiar or simply decide to relate with someone without attempting to read them. This is the reason it’s a bit puzzling when humans try to find out the same things that could topple everything else.
In my young career I get asked a lot of questions but nothing as often as this line. “Temple, how can i know if my partner is having an affair?” People need to know this so badly that they are willing to pay for this. Unfortunately, payment collected for advice that has no intention of helping solve an existing problem seems to me “a Judas Fee”. Rather than that, I decided to write about every classic tell-tale sign gathered across years of licensed practice. While these may be my opinion, I would advice you take it with a pinch of salt as we do not want you mislabeling the behavior of a loved one.(that’s my disclaimer). Without wasting time, here are my thoughts and these are for both dating and married couples.
Is May be Cheating if,
A) A spike in Sexual interest or A lack of interest: There is an emotional detachment required to cheat. With those detachments the first things that go are those intimate nuances such as solid eye contact and kisses. Like some punishment they give themselves for cheating, they withdraw these from the relationship unconsciously because they have broken the trust that once existed. For others, you will notice that gifts and more sex are being given to you as over-compensation. Once any of these scenarios strike you as odd, then there is most likely an issue. Excuses may follow such as, the stress with the children, I’m so tired, work just got hectic etc. When this triggers a feeling of being alone and rejection, your fears may be real.
B) An Obsession with a Device (phone or laptop): When the work-related emergencies pile-up and business partners are hot buzzing their phones for discussions that need to happen behind closed doors you may need to worry. When having an affair, there is an obsession that tugs both ways. Like high-school teenagers in love, anxiety sets in when they can’t communicate and they can’t wait to contact each other “against all odds”. You “the one being cheated on” are the odds. In extreme cases, affair partners would have their lovers within eye-shot by inviting them to events they would be attending with their spouses. This gets the adrenaline levels spiking and the excitement is like a drug both parties require to keep ticking.
C) Your Partner’s Moral Compass Suddenly Comes Correct: When your partner suddenly starts quoting verses, becomes pious, throws them-self into charitable activities please look really well. If there was no Near Death Experience, a spiritual encounter or a life altering situation to trigger all of this, you may just be right in the middle of a P.R campaign. Imams, pastors, counselors, teachers, parents are not above temptation. The devil quotes the qua ran and bible too. If the partners actions do not match up with the newfound ways you are most likely a support character in a play. A play that’s all about a human’s struggle to attempt living correctly by at least talking like it while hoping their morals catch up.
D) No Ring: Many veteran cheaters no longer fall for this one but some pee-wee ones still forget to slip it back on. If this does happen and you get feedback such as i think i lost weight and it keeps falling off, it’s triggering my allergy etc. you may just have a bigger issue on your hands. You also need to know your partner and their behavioral patterns, spending patterns and what their scale of preference is. e.g. when a wife who thinks you spent much on a new dress spots an expensive necklace you didn’t buy for her, that’s something. Yes’ she could afford it with her own cash but the logic is in the fact that she doesn’t like spending much on frivolities. That’s the focus.
E) Off-guarded Name-drops & Innocent Consistent Banter about Someone: When the clouds are filled with vapor they release rain and in this same manner, when the brain is obsessed with a thing, it spills names, events or places. There’s a twisted form of excitement the cheating partner feels talking about their affair partner or having them around. Many individuals having affairs have their cheating mate right under their partners nose or have them making eye contact right at that event both of you attended. That’s the pull of an affair. Many may not agree right off the cuffs but that’s ok. In your quiet time when it’s just you, the walls and your emotions do give it another thought. When an individual (especially someone who has cheated before) mentions names of new restaurants they’ve been to, a name of a person etc. they just want you to share in their sick excitement. When you hear things like Mr. X’s wife is making life so hard for him or Mrs. P had even mentioned how sweet a person you are, understand that most humans are too deep into themselves to make out time for others. So when this happens, it’s based on a connection and not just random talks. You might be lucky to have that one great friend who is of the opposite sex but 90% of the time, straight heterosexual men and women can’t just be friends.
F) Money Lies: When your partner is in charge of the finances without you being involved, it could be for a lot of reasons. An article I wrote on Financial Infidelity mentions a lot of these reasons but let’s single out one of it. An affair. When finances becomes a topic not up for discussion, it’s usually followed up with secret accounts, secret debit cards you do not know about and a lot more. It’s never a bad thing asking your partner for clarification as it regards both your finances and no one should make you feel bad for doing so. It’s your right even if they are making more money. Secondly, if you observe payment receipts that do not tally with your partners routine (club, hotels, strip bars, areas near red-light buzz spots etc.), it might be cause for concern especially when they give bogus and almost unbelievable stories on why they had the receipts.
G) Little Lies & (not-so) Elegant Excuses: Lying is a defense mechanism we learn as children. We know it’s bad and most times rather than tell a lie, most would rather give an excuse. This is a much better moral pill than going all out and lying. When a partner starts cheating, they cannot avoid excuses first and subsequently all out lies. The problem is that there is only a number of lies the human brain can keep up with. A human having an affair will tell lies but watch out for the little lies that don’t add up because the more complicated a lie gets, the weaker it’s base becomes. The little inconsistencies are what you should be concentrating on and not the superfluous yarn. Being called someone elses name, not being called your name too, Word’s like “Are you saying i’m lying”, “Don’t you remember?I already said this to you before” or that laughter/smug smirk that makes you feel like the shittiest emotionally dependent runt are all signs. I’ve seen it all play out before me only to discover she/he were just practicing for their Oscars.
H) Anger and Violence Meant to Distract: The shame and guilt that comes with cheating are always looking for expression.
“Pain that you do NOT transform MUST be transmitted” – Father Richard Rohr
These usually shows up in the most twisted mix of emotions. Rebellious defiance, anger and outright rage. The people on the receiving end are usually the ones who they secretly despise or resent for being committed, stable & trustworthy. Everything they currently aren’t. Most times you know this is the case with you if you are constantly always walking on glass around your own home, spouse or partner. One minute they are so angry, the next they are relaxed, then five minutes later withdrawn. You are only battling something known as the sin cycle. The aggression and fights are simply their ways of justifying the affair. They sell themselves a narrative about the committed partner such as you’re too emotional, uptight, not sexually appealing or anything else that will give them the opportunity to pack a bag and find solace in the arms of their lover where they can complain about you.
N.Bno let’s make it B.S : If you are having an affair, the least you can do is try not to use your committed partner as your reason for straying especially if you know it’s not true. Be man or woman enough to tell yourself the truth as this will firstly, help you negotiate the curve faster and maybe get on the road to recovery and secondly retain your partners dignity in the eyes of your lover. A portion of the lies that the rumour mills are agog with about people come from disgruntled mistresses or gigolos whose love interests have moved on but not without telling stories about their partners.
“Your Affair partners will ALWAYS change BUT the impressions and lies you told about your committed partner will never be corrected. It only gets corrected when you get found out on a public scale…It never ends well.”
For the man or woman cheating with someone’s partner/wife/husband here’s my honest advice to you. “Never Believe A Word”. A woman will say anything to get what she needs from you and a man will eat grass to get between your legs. Those moments with them though intimate are not the best times to gauge honesty as a majority erroneously believe. This is why the most functional courtesans and gigolos such as Madame de Pompadour, Nell Gwynn, Marie DuPlessis, Phaedo of Elis, Febbo di Poggio (Michael Angelo’s Lover) etc were the ones who knew how to separate the erotic from the emotional.
I) Frequent Travel: The “I’m going on a trip” line is one most committed partners have come to dread because it’s one of those scenarios that leaves them clueless on what their partner may be getting up to. Let’s dive into facts… We all know that the more frequently a partner travels the higher their chances of straying because travelling by itself has a momentary feeling of relief and freedom even if it’s work-related. Having established this fact, you may have an issue when your spouse or partner drops off the face of the planet every-time they travel. With all the FREELY available means of communication now within our grasp, there are only a few excuses that can now hold water when you are incommunicado. Here are somethings that may imply foul play especially for individuals who have given you reasons before now to doubt them.
- When your partner travels and have to contact you first because you’re unable to reach them when you try calling.
- When a partner is at a location different from where they say they are going to. Always take note of the background noises. A Yoruba song playing in the background when your husband is on a trip to Enugu is very possible but what are the chances? I can’t say.
- When travel trips suddenly get extended because “some meetings were re-scheduled”, “ad-hoc arrangements were made” etc.
- Taking into consideration the time zone your partners location is in, watch if they always call before dinner/nightfall and talk about having an early night. You might actually have have just been “handled” by someone with plans for an evening of debauchery.
- When you do not have the vessel number, hotel name or how long a trip may be for, red flags should go up.
J) I’m not a Public/Social/Social Media Person: This is one trait that has sheltered and saved lots of marriages. When one or both partners are not in the habit of displaying their life on social media they become elusive targets. However, when this is mentioned by a partner especially at the onset of a relationship, go the extra mile to find out if this is wholly true. This is simply because anyone who isn’t particularly proud to be associated with you on social media or hides their relationship with you may be prouder to be seen with some other person. It could also be that they aren’t willing to be seen with anyone to give off an impression that they are unattached. Do you know their family members and associates? Do they even have any family members in your opinion? Are most of the dates at home or occur at night in clandestine spots with a table located at the most hidden spots? Then you most likely aren’t number one or run the risk of having number one seeing you with their partner.
K) Oddities that that Stick Out: When it comes to cheating, even the all-time greats slip up and so will a cheating partner over time. When a partner decides to become observant, that is when they start noticing those little oddities that speak loudest. After a quick romp in the car, the seat may be reclined at a rather unusual angle than what your partner ordinarily puts it in. The car A.C vent may be turned off on the passenger side by a side-piece who doesn’t like the cold. Infact the shirt might have a little strand of flashy orange strand of hair different from your natural black. Outings like late-night cinema visits you can’t remember. The list goes on and on but the whole idea is to be observant.
L) The Mobile Phone: This is the latest addition of how to spot a cheater. Initially it was that odd stammering or that lipstick stain. However with the apps, communication tools etc. available on the mobile device, cheating has never been easier and convenient. Handing over a phone to your partner should never be a problem neither should taking a call or reading a torrent of texts coming in but because a lot of people have erased certain moral lines with their phone habits, it’s a difficult thing to do. A pass worded phone is one that’s suspect (Yes, i believe your phone is yours but if you password your phone so a partner can’t access it then all isn’t well. Please note, emotional, financial, verbal and fantasy are all types of cheating). A partner with a second phone is also a concern and someone who has a previous history of cheating should be looked into when multiple sim-cards start showing up. Other tell-tale signs of a cheating partner are phone calls taken in the car, on the driveway before they come into the house or behind locked doors in any room. Even if a partner takes their call in front of you, observe their body language when you move towards them.
M) Working Late: We understand that sometimes work may pile up and demand extra hours. However, if this becomes highly unpredictable, requires them dropping off a colleague of the opposite gender then you should be on high alert. A sure-fire sign is usually coming home without any interest in dinner. There’s no shame in driving to your spouse or partners office with dinner or just passing by to say hi and then calling them while you are there. If they are having a meal with a potential business associate/ client in the evenings, there is nothing absolutely wrong with that if you are in the know (i.e. if you’re emotionally mature and not work yourself into a jealous rage). Asides from this scenario, no employee should be alone with a colleague of the opposite gender way past office hours (I’m talking 7pm and above). If your company allows that time for reconciliations, that is terrible company policy that could open up an avenue for extra-marital affairs.
Now that you confirmed, What next?
Human beings usually get to a point where they change because they simply decided to. Even a partner caught in the very act may not just change. The excitement, fantasy, false validation and feeling on invincibility (false again) that affairs offer are way too strong for most cheaters. Even when they say they are sorry, it may be for a moment and only because they got caught. If you push too hard especially in a relationship, they simply replace you with someone more gullible. For cheaters who are addicted to the thrill and the sex, i can assure you that the repairs required go beyond the infidelity because cheating most times opens up it’s victims to other vices such as spousal abuse, excessive drinking, marital rape and much more. All these other vices gives almost the same false highs derived from cheating. If you are not ready for the work involved in rehabilitating a cheating spouse, it’s best you move on because it involves quite a bit of work. If you have decided to move on, one of the first things you need to do is get an STI test, begin collating evidence required in court and take the bold step of moving on. However if you want to stay and work on the relationship, Click here for my article on how to rebuild trust after an affair.
Well, these are some of the signs I’ve noticed over these past years in my career talking to people who cheated and the ones who were cheated on. As always, i hope this piece on “signs my partner may be cheating on me” helped someone. I feel better dropping it here rather than saying it to one person. It levels out the playing field for everyone. If you are struggling with an affair and would love to talk about it, You know how to reach me. Don’t wait until you get caught, your career crashes, your family life dis-integrates or your squeaky public image gets dented before seeking help.
Answers by Obike Temple
A Counselor, psychotherapist, brand-Sage and entrepreneur who has counseled over three-hundred couples, individuals, substance abuse and grief-stricken clients.
For more information on related issues and to schedule an appointment with “Temple’s Counsel” visit our counseling page, chat us up via our website or send a whatsapp message to +2348109055475.
International Appointments across Africa are scheduled within 24 hours.
200 Couple “Must-Ask” Questions
200 Couple “Must-Ask” Questions.
Whether you are a new couple, or you’ve been a couple for years and years, we’ve got loads of
questions for couples that will be perfect for getting a great conversation going.
Some questions are more serious than others so have a look through and see which questions for
couples are right for you and your partner. Infact, with the valentine season fast approaching there’s no perfect time to get to know your partner better.
Getting to know your partner questions
One of the most important things in a relationship is learning about your partner. You can know what to
expect from them and can figure out if you two are a good match.
What’s your ideal way to spend a vacation?
What makes you dislike a person?
Do you think you are a confident person? Why or why not?
What about yourself are you most proud of?
What would the best version of you be like?
What life experiences did you miss out on?
When are you the most “you”?
How did you fall out with some of your previously close friends?
Are you happy with the people you surround yourself with? Why or why not?
What musical instrument do you wish you could play?
When has a mundane occurrence or chance completely changed the course of your life?
What is the nicest compliment you’ve received?
What age would you like to live to?
If you could travel to any country in the world for one month, where would you go?
What is your favorite memory of someone who isn’t in your life anymore?
How superstitious are you?
What has been a recurring theme in your life?
What was your most inappropriate or embarrassing fart?
What do you think happens after death?
What are your top 5 rules for life?
What’s your favorite thing in your / our house?
What book or movie do you wish you could experience for the first time again?
If you had a friend who spoke to you the same way you speak to yourself, would you keep them as a
What petty thing that people do really gets on your nerves?
What brings meaning to your life?
What is something you wish you could say to people but can’t?
What are some of the most attractive traits a person can have?
What’s a secret you’ve never told anyone?
What small pleasures do you enjoy the most?
Who is the most irritating person you know?
What has been your biggest screw up so far?
What have you struggled with your entire life?
What is the most significant change you would like to make in your life?
What do you want out of life?
What calms you down the most?
What are kinds of things do you find repulsive?
What would your perfect life look like?
If you received a salary to follow whatever passion you wanted to, what would you do?
What’s your most embarrassing story about being sick?
What friend have you not thought about in a long time?
What’s the craziest thing that has happened at a job you worked at?
Who do you act nice around but secretly dislike?
If money was no object, and with no input from me, how would you decorate your / our house?
How good are you at reading people?
Are you hopeful about your future?
Who do you want to be more like or who do you look up to most?
What were the healthiest and unhealthiest periods of your life?
What’s the worst emotional or mental anguish you’ve endured?
What do you like most about where we live?
What do you worry about?
What’s something you screwed up and then tried to hide?
What’s the scariest / creepiest place you have ever been?
Do you think the world is improving or getting worse? Why?
How do you think society is changing? Do you think we’ll change with it?
What’s the worst thing that people are proud of?
What’s the biggest betrayal you have ever experienced?
What would be the greatest gift to receive?
What is something that you are dreading?
What makes you feel super fancy?
What would you want your obituary to say?
What has taken up too much of your life?
What’s the most disheartening and heartening realization you have come to?
What was the hardest lesson you’ve had to learn?
Would you take 3 million dollars if it meant that the person you hate most in the world gets 9 million?
What part of you as a person still needs a lot of work?
What are some words of wisdom that have stuck with you all these years?
How well do you know yourself?
What is your best (not worst) flaw?
How forgiving are you?
Tell me about a time you almost died.
Are you ashamed of anything you did in the past? If you are comfortable talking about it, what was it?
Do you prefer living in the countryside, in a town, or in a big city? Why?
What’s your fondest memory of a tree?
What are some of the most pleasant sensations for you?
Are you happy with the career path you chose or do you wish you had chosen a different career?
What’s the most unethical thing you do regularly?
What is way more difficult than it sounds?
What job do you think you were born to do?
What’s the biggest financial mistake you’ve made?
What makes you lose faith in humanity when you think about it?
What was the most painful thing to hear?
What biases do you think you have?
What are you battling that you don’t tell anyone about?
What luxury do you enjoy treating yourself to?
What do you most like to do when you have alone time?
What is normal now that will be considered unethical and barbaric in 100 years?
When you’re gone when you want to be remembered for?
If there was a horrible accident and you were unconscious and on life support, how long would you
want to be on life support?
Do you believe in good luck and bad luck? How about things that are lucky or unlucky?
If you had a million dollars to give to any charity, what type of charity would you give it to?
What’s something that a lot of people are afraid of, but you aren’t?
If you could open a business what type of business would you open?
What can someone do that makes them immediately unattractive to you, no matter how attractive they
What untrue thing did you believe for an incredibly long time?
What were the three most important turning points in your life?
What animal are you most afraid of?
What scandal happened in your neighbor or town when you were growing up?
How well do you think you would handle prison?
What’s the most awkward social situation you’ve been in?
What is something that scares you on a daily basis?
When was the last time you cried?
What’s the most peaceful/restful night of sleep you’ve had?
What’s the most dangerous, thrill-seeking thing you would consider doing?
What’s your biggest regret?
Is it better to trust people or not trust people? And why?
What do you think your best and worst personality traits are?
Who do you miss the most?
What is the hardest life lesson you’ve had to learn?
What do you take for granted?
What’s the most stressful situation you’ve been in? How did you handle it?
What’s the most ambitious thing you’ve attempted?
How often do you change your opinions or how you view the world?
What’s the biggest opportunity you were given?
What is something we should enjoy more because it won’t be around for long?
What’s a question you wish people would ask more often?
What is the saddest thing about your life that nobody knows?
What are you most sentimental about?
Do you think people more people look down on you or up to you? Why?
What question do you most want an answer to?
What are some of the telltale signs of a shallow person?
What do you look forward to most in the day?
If you could instantly learn a talent or skill, what would you want to know how to do?
When is your favorite time of day?
What are the best and worst things about the period of history we are living through?
What’s the most rewarding thing in your daily routine?
What weird thing stresses you out more than it should?
When do you feel like you are really in your element?
How likely are you to believe in conspiracy theories?
What are some alcohol-induced stories of your younger days?
What’s the best way for someone to improve themselves?
What was the most productive time in your life? How about the least productive?
What three words best describe you?
How well do you function under a lot of pressure?
What is your weakness?
What are two of the most important events in your life?
What is something you know is bad for you but you can’t seem to get away from it?
What’s the biggest favor you’ve done for someone?
How does your current morning routine compare to your ideal morning routine?
What brings you the most joy?
What are you purposefully ignoring even though you know you should probably deal with it?
What do you wish you were better at?
Is there anything you did wrong for years and years, only to discover later that you were doing it wrong?
Questions about their family and childhood
When you are looking for relationship questions, it’s always important to ask about family and
childhood. Knowing where your partner came from can help you understand how they are now.
What is something your parents did or used to do that really embarrassed you?
What small seemingly insignificant thing did your parents, or someone else say when you were a child
that has stuck with you all this time?
What is the best or worst thing you inherited from your parents?
What made you realize that your parents were just human like everyone else?
What habits do you still have from childhood?
What family vacations did you take as a child?
How traditionally “normal” was your family?
Children are often very similar to their parents. How do you want to be different than your parents? And
how do you want to be similar to them?
What school subjects did you like and hate most when you were in school?
What unique game of pretend did you frequently play as a child?
What movie seriously scarred you as a child or as an adult?
What irrational fears did you have as a child?
What toy played the most significant part in your childhood?
What are some of your earliest memories?
Here are the main questions for couples that deal with the relationship itself. It’s important to be nonjudgmental when asking and answering these questions. It’s not about telling your partner the things
they do wrong or the things you want from them. It’s about working together as a couple to build a
What is something I did that you thought was exceptionally kind or thoughtful?
What new hobbies or activities would you like to try together as a couple?
What’s our greatest strength as a couple?
What could we do to make our relationship stronger?
What is something small that we can do daily for each other to make our lives better?
How much space / alone time should people in a relationship give each other?
What questions should partners ask each other before getting married?
What do I do that makes you the happiest?
How important is it for individuals in a relationship to maintain their own separate identity?
What makes our relationship better than other relationships?
What do you think our life will look like in 10 years?
What do you think would bring us closer together as a couple?
What kind of memories do you want to make together?
What do you think the most essential thing in a successful relationship is?
What’s your favorite way we spend time together?
What’s your favorite gift I’ve given you?
Where do you want to live when we retire?
In what areas do you think our personalities complement each other? (i.e. One is too reckless, and the
other is too cautious, and it balances out to a happy medium.)
How well do you think we communicate?
What adventure would you like to go on with me?
What’s the best relationship advice you’ve received?
What are some things you really like about me?
What do you think the hardest thing about marriage/being in a relationship is?
What can I do to most help us?
What do you see as your role in our relationship?
What would be a deal breaker for our relationship, something you couldn’t forgive?
What makes us different than other couples?
What do you think would be the best way to strengthen our relationship?
What are some of your relationship goals?
How realistic do you think couples in movies and TV are?
What does a happy and healthy relationship look like to you?
Couple questions about sex
Sex is an important topic to talk about in any relationship. It’s important to know what each of you
considers a healthy and enjoyable sex life.
How well do you think our sex drives match up?
How important do you think sex is in our relationship?
What are you into, but haven’t told me about?
What do I do in bed that drives you wild?
What is the most adventurous thing you’ve done sexually?
Besides orgasms, what is the best part of sex?
What’s the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you while having sex?
When am I at my sexiest?
What would you like me to do in the bedroom to spice things up a bit?
What’s better than great sex?
What do I do outside the bedroom that turns you on?
Couple questions about having kids
It is vital that a couple is on the same page when it comes to kids. There can be a lot of strife and
heartache in a relationship if one partner absolutely wants kids and the other doesn’t, or if you both
have wildly different expectations for raising children.
Do you eventually want to have children? How many children do you eventually want? Why?
What’s the worst parenting mistake a couple can make?
What is the best way to raise children?
How would we know if we did our job as parents well?
Do you think it is more important for a couple with kids to focus on the kids more or each other more?
How do you think having kids will / has changed our lives and relationship?
14 Ways to Eat Less Sugar Without Missing It
This article was made available courtesy of eatingwell.com
A life without any sugar is a life we don’t want to live. And thankfully, experts say you don’t need to eliminate it from your diet. But shaving off some grams here and there is something most of us should be doing. “I’m not of the view that we should be draconian about this,” says Mattes. “Sugars do add palatability. And the most nutritious diet, if it’s not palatable, will have no health benefit—because people won’t eat it.” These strategies can help you find that balance.
1. Utilize the new added sugar line on labels
“Always check the Nutrition Facts panel to see how much added sugar is in a product—like cereal or yogurt—and compare it to other brands,” says University of Thessaly nutritionist and epidemiologist Renata Micha. “Between two or three options, you can aim for the one that has less added sugar.”
2. Target your weaknesses
In the U.S., most added sugar comes from the following five sources: sweetened beverages; desserts and sweet snacks; sweetened coffees and teas; candy and other sugars (jams, syrups, toppings); and breakfast cereals and granola bars. Figure out which category you tend to get the most added sugar from and start cutting back there. You’ll get the greatest reduction in overall sugar and boost in health benefits, says Ewoldt.
3. Look for high-quality carbs
Many packaged products—tortillas, granola bars—fall into a nutritional gray zone. They may be made with whole grains (good) and still contain lots of sugar (not so good). Even more stealthily, the front of the package may declare “no added sugars,” but the manufacturer has replaced this nutrient with something else, such as refined starches that have no fiber and affect your body in ways similar to added sugars. “So it’s important to assess overall carb quality, not just sugar alone,” says Micha.
One simple way to do that: use the 10-to-1 metric. This means for every 10 grams of total carbohydrate that a product contains, 1 gram or more should be fiber. (It’s based on the ratio of total carb to fiber found in whole wheat.) Micha and her colleagues discovered that when they applied this trick to U.S. supermarket foods, it quickly identified items with higher-quality carbs that also happened to be lower in sugar. And they were healthier in general—lower in sodium and higher in protein, fiber, potassium, magnesium, vitamin B , vitamin E, zinc and iron.
4. Don’t drink your sugar
You know that soda is potum non grata, but other sugary beverages may slip past your nutritional radar. Coffee drinks like a bottled Frappuccino can have 34 grams of added sugar, and one 20-ounce sports drink packs as much as 48 grams—which is just about 100% of your daily limit. (For comparison, a can of Coke has 39 grams.) “Sports drinks serve a purpose for elite athletes, or let’s face it, when we’re sick with the flu or prepping for a colonoscopy. But for everyone else, just choose water,” says Nancy Farrell Allen, M.S., RDN, a national spokesperson for the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics. And let’s not forget cocktails. Alcohol itself contains no or very little sugar, but when you add the coffee liqueur to your ‘tini—that’s when the grams can go through the roof.
By eliminating even one sugary beverage a day and instead sipping water with a squeeze of lime or orange for flavor, you can dramatically reduce your sugar intake—especially given that sweetened beverages are the single largest source of added sugar in the American diet, says Micha. You could also try drinking seltzer in fun flavors, infusing your water with fresh fruit or eating an apple or orange alongside a glass of ice water. We love the Strawberry, Basil & Lime Infused Water pictured above.
5. Take your time
All of our experts recommend weaning yourself off sweetness slowly. Do you add sugar to your coffee or tea? Then use a little less tomorrow. A few days later, dial it back a bit more. Studies show that reducing sugar by 5 to 20%—equivalent to deleting about 4 to 12 grams daily—is not noticeable, and that over time your perception of sweetness intensity changes. In one trial, people who limited their sugar intake for 2 to 3 months rated pudding as much sweeter than those who did not.
6. Be wary of packaged bars
We love the grab-and-go convenience of them, but granola and energy bars supply a lot of the added sugar in our diets. So scan for ones that are low in sugar and as minimally processed as possible (short ingredients list of recognizable whole foods). They often taste just as good and can save you 5 to 15 grams of added sugars (that’s between 1 and 4 teaspoons of sugar) per bar! Even better, put a handful of nuts, seeds and oats, plus some unsweetened coconut flakes and a few dark chocolate chips (11 of them only have 2 grams of added sugar) in a travel container for a snack that’s packed with nutrients, protein, fiber and very little sugar.
If you want to go above and beyond, make your own. It’s a great way to keep sugar in check and customize the flavors to meet your preference.
7. Swap your yogurt for skyr
This Icelandic-style yogurt is made using different types of cultures than the standard kind you may be used to, giving it a thick, creamy consistency and less sour taste. And even the flavored varieties of skyr tend to have about one-third less added sugar than other flavored yogurts—which can be quite high in them.
8. Get enough sleep
The average adult needs between 7 and 9 hours a night—yet more than 35% of Americans get less than that. Missing out on zzz’s can monkey with your hunger hormones, making you crave sugary foods (and salty ones too). However, in a review of seven clinical studies published in the Journal of Sleep Research, participants who increased their sleep duration—by anywhere from 21 minutes to 3 hours a night—had better insulin sensitivity as well as reductions in appetite, sweet cravings and sugar intake.
9. Trick your palate
Studies have shown that sweetness can be amplified by concurrently stimulating your other senses, says experimental psychologist Qian Janice Wang, Ph.D., an assistant professor in the Department of Food Science at Aarhus University in Denmark. One strategy to try: Sniff cinnamon, vanilla, cherry, almond, caramel, pineapple, pomegranate, strawberry or banana before a meal or with your food. It can make you think what you’re eating is 5 to 25% sweeter than it would taste without one of these aromas. “The smell-taste interaction together form this perception of flavor. And that’s because when we smell something, the mind is already forming expectations that it’s a sweet food,” explains Wang. “So if you have cinnamon-vanilla oatmeal every day, and you gradually reduce the sugar, by the end it may be enough to have the cinnamon and vanilla without the sugar.”
10. Avoid sneaky sources
Sugar isn’t just added to make foods taste better. It also acts as a preservative that extends shelf life and prevents staleness, makes pastries tender by preventing gluten formation and encourages fermentation by providing food for yeast, allowing breads to rise, among other qualities. For these reasons, food manufacturers add sugar not just to traditionally sweet foods, but to tons of savory ones, as well. “For example, the other day I picked up a tofu, broccoli and brown rice frozen meal—can you get much healthier than that? But when I looked at the label, it had 17 grams of added sugar, most of it from the sauce,” says Andromalos. Check out our list of sneaky sources that can easily add up. Another reason to read and compare labels!
11. Use less sugar in your baking
“Recipes for things like cookies and cakes often call for more sugar than is necessary— so you can play around and see how much you can simply leave out,” says EatingWell recipe tester and developer Laura Kanya, who suggests removing a small amount and going from there. She was able to use one-third less sugar in the Raspberry Swirl Brownies here compared to a typical brownie recipe. The cocoa and pureed raspberries add richness and natural sweetness. “Sugar does impact the moistness, texture and browning of baked goods, so you may notice a difference there,” adds Kanya.
12. Roast your veggies
Rather than steaming or sautéing vegetables and relying on dressings and sauces (which often contain added sugars) to jazz them up, pop them in a 450°F oven. It caramelizes the natural sugars and makes them taste sweeter and more intense, says sensory scientist and dietitian Sungeun Choi, Ph.D., RDN, an associate professor in the department of family, nutrition and exercise sciences at New York’s Queens College.
13. Add it on top of baked goods
Sprinkling a small amount of coarse sugar on homemade, lower-sugar muffins, quick breads and cookies “delivers that extreme burst of sweetness and crunch with each bite, so you’re less likely to miss the sugar within the cookie or muffin,” says Andromalos.
14. Bake with natural sweeteners
Replace some of the sugar with mashed bananas or other fruits, unsweetened applesauce or blended dates, cooked sweet potatoes or prunes. This will also add moisture. “It’s a great way of getting some extra vitamins and minerals as well,” says Andromalos. “We used pineapple to sweeten our Pineapple Morning Glory Muffins—slashing the sugar content in half compared to similar muffins,” says Kanya. “And grating it incorporates the fruit into the batter.”
15. Trade flavor for sugar
The more taste you’re able to eke out of every recipe, the less sweet stuff you’ll need. “Our Cider-Sweetened Apple Pie contains less than half the added sugar of a typical recipe,” says Kanya. “How did we do it? By reducing already-sweet apple cider into a concentrated syrup.” It counts as added sugar, but the difference is we don’t need to use as much sweetener overall because the syrup’s intense flavor fools your taste buds into thinking the pie is sweeter than it actually is. You can apply this same technique to other recipes—and experiment with reducing different juices.
This article first appeared in EatingWell, September 2021
Grief and Loss, How to Cope with Them
Losing anything of value is never easy. Coping with grief and loss must be done your right way. Sadly, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Regardless of the type of loss you are faced with, the only thing required is that you understand the stages of grief and where you currently are on them. This understanding will provide you with healthier coping options.
WHAT DOES GRIEF MEAN?
When you lose something of great importance, your natural emotional and painful response to it is grief. Sometimes it comes with various reactions such as guilt, disbelief, deep sadness, health disruption, insomnia, inability to eat amongst so many things. Everything i mentioned here is normal when you are faced with grief. Your grief could come as a result of losing your health, a job, a relationship, a loved one, a miscarriage, a career dream, a friendship, a safety net after infidelity or even moving homes amongst many other reasons.
I see many couples and individuals sit across me and narrate their experiences with grief. Despite the many responses to grief, one thing that you cannot take away is that the intensity of your grief is always directly proportional to the significance of your loss.
Due to the personal nature of loss, i do not expect you to grieve like any other person. This means that there is no shame with how you decide to grieve. The only thing i want you to understand is that there are stages to grieving and you must understand what stage you are in to enable yourself transition from that stage, get a new perspective on the matter and then begin to move on from the heaviness you feel.
The Sad Honest Truth About Grief
Be it the loss of a parent, child, partner, spouse, relative, friend or colleague at work, It’s all pain and you may not ever get over this loss. However, time is what truly does the magic for you because your sorrow eases, you face the loss and then gradually begin to move on from that point.
Now that you understand how unique grieving is to every individual, you must also know that what separates everyone in grief are their beliefs, their faith, previous experiences with grieving, their coping styles and lastly their personality. Do not expect to recover immediately with actual loss of a loved one, or try to heal after replacing the job, house or opportunity you lost with a new one. It takes time. While some start to feel better in weeks and months, the measurement for others grieving is usually in years.
THE PROPER WAY TO GRIEVE
You must understand somethings about grief as this gives you an edge;
A) IF you feel pain, do not pretend it does not exists simply because you want to appear strong. This act will keep you trapped in one stage of grief longer than expected. Weakness or Strength are not the consideration at this point. Pain is.
B) Do not try to grieve the way you have seen a sibling, spouse, parent or someone else go about it. That is their own way. Trying to emulate them in this regard may not work for you and could end up doing more damage than good.
C) It’s not time to be alone with yourself and misery. Get the support of your loved ones and others who truly care about your well-being. Staying alone is not the solution to numbing the pain.
D) The feeling of grief will make you laugh, cry, smile, talk to yourself and so on. In extreme cases, clients have mentioned that grief made them romanticize with thoughts around death and suicide. Especially for individuals who lost a spouse.
E) Your emotions are not stable when you are grieving. This is what grief does to you. Forcing yourself to stabilize your emotions is not the key. Recognizing the emotions you feel is the real solution.
Available on Podcast:
Learning about the 5 stages of grief
Denial: This is the phase where an individual hasn’t yet come to terms with what has happened. The associated shock or emotional overwhelm dissociates the victim in such a way that the circumstances look like an unfolding movie plot with them as spectators.
Anger: At this point, a realization dawns on the individual. This comes with an intense anger that has the individual lashing out angrily and questioning a lot of things.
Bargaining: The need to have this happen to distance oneself from the flurry of negative emotions suddenly triggers an emotion that wants to pass on the grief to some other person, place etc. With this comes a negotiation where depending on the spiritual beliefs of the individual sees them bargaining , going on a spiritual deep dive all in a bid to reverse the situation.
Depression: This is a phase characterized by intense sadness that comes once you start to understand the situation isn’t particularly going anywhere or changing.
Acceptance: After healthily negotiating the first phases of grief, the individual now understands that the situation truly occurred. At this point, you come to terms with the pain and truly start to own the emotions you are feeling. It is from this stage that healing starts.
Despite the fact that I have listed these phases, it would be important to note that not everyone navigates grief by following these exact steps. Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist who first intimated us with these stages of grief never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework applicable to anyone mourning. I have seen clients who went straight to acceptance from the denial stage and just when everybody else affected was struggling with denial, these individuals were already available to assist their spouse, partner, siblings or friends with their own grief.
Grieving and loss is a bespoke experience for everyone. The circumstances may be similar but the effect on the mourner is unique. Hence for younger therapists, there is a need to make clients identify what stage they currently find themselves in. As important as this is, it is better to allow them speak first, tell a story, relive their experiences with the deceased and as you listen with your ears and observe with your entire being, you are bound to start discovering for yourself, where exactly they are with the grieving process (even if it doesn’t quite tally with any of the stages.
I truly hope this piece throws a lot more clarity on your current struggles with navigating loss. We are here to support you through your loss and believe that your complete healing is not too far away.
Advertising Market Leaders Give 5 Marketing Musts for 2023
Learn from your experiencesPerhaps the final word goes to Soyoung Kang, chief marketing officer at beauty brand eos. As marketers start to think about the trends that will define their 2023, she urged them to also remember the lessons of the last few years. “As we try to understand how to navigate this macroeconomic climate, it’s really important for us as marketers to continue to push forward,” she said. “We have to stay agile. We’ve built all of these muscles during the pandemic where we needed to be able to shift investments as circumstances changed. It’s time to exercise those muscles again.”
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