Let us put on our imaginative hats on for 2 minutes. You are casually scrolling through Instagram and there’s this guy who you’ve been digging their pics and commenting on everything they say. If you were not in a serious relationship he could have been the perfect one for you. However you noticed that not only can you drool over his pictures he is responding to your comments and seems even emotionally invested. You even found out he stays in the same city as you do and belongs to a local gym just a few blocks from your house.
“This is a great time to get fit” you think out loud and then register in the same gym. you even begin to work out around the same time he visits the gym all in a bid to be near him. He notices you and both of you become work-out buddies and exchange phone numbers so you can discuss the best diets to back-up your work-out’s with. Suddenly it hits you again that both of you are so in sync with each other and if you were not in a committed relationship he would have been a perfect choice in all regards. You have now confirmed that he’s definitely emotionally invested in you and this sends ticklish flashes throughout your entire body.
At this point you are fine with all of the feelings, chatting, trust and new-found closeness you enjoy with this person. Everything is under control after all both of you aren’t having sex. I understand that there are exceptions to all these rules but I can tell you for free that you have begun an affair. A point your partner and therapist might align on. You still are not sure right? Well I’ll help you clarify this by giving you clear signals that could help you tell yourself the unhinged truth.
1.Putting Yourself in High-risk Situations With Them
The moment you begin to put yourself in situations where you’re trying to be alone with someone of the opposite sex who isn’t your partner. It’s considered high-risk. Getting drinks, going on long drives or simply making out exclusive phone conversation time for them should be your first sign that you are having an affair. Social media, whatsapp etc. has made it much easier for individuals to connect with their exes triggering intimacy in a flash for the undisciplined emotion. I chose the word ”Undisciplined Emotion” because Mark Zuckerberg did not ask you to send that message or respond to the one that was sent to you. You decided because you wanted to. So impulsive and reckless men and women have sunk their marriages themselves.
2. The ”How About Your Partner” Dilemma
The moment you cannot answer this question freely with this new person in your life, then you are really in trouble. Many individuals have told me how their affairs begun from them trying to help a friend navigate turbulent emotional times in their life. They simply asked ‘How about your wife/husband?” and things just went too fast from that point. They were in too deep before they could realize something had gone wrong.
For you making the moves, If you begin to talk to your new crush about your main relationship that is a serious no-no. Secondly if you begin to tell this person how your partner pees on the toilet without raising the toilet seat or inform them on how not-so-caring he is then you are almost full circle into the affair. Any conversation with this person that leaves you emotionally vulnerable is an invitation to have them fill up some emotional space. However, do not think that talking business with them either is safe, especially if you know deep down that you like this person. All you may be trying to do is keep them around you by any means necessary. It’s one thing to say these things to this new person in your life about your partner but my ultimate litmus test is this.
Telling this new person about a lack between yourself and your partner that you haven’t even spoken to your partner about is treachery. A sell-out.
3. You’re Hiding and Lying About YOUR ACTIVITIES
Going to hang out with your female best friend is one thing but lying about it simply means you felt some measure of guilt. Anything that makes you lie to your spouse or hide certain activities from them is a red flag.
Please do not tell me you are protecting your spouse and saving their insecure soul the torture of suspicion because now you will be lying to me as well. If your partner is insecure validate them and not further re-in force it. Even extremely insecure people can be helped.
If you find yourself waiting to leave the house to communicate, deleting chats, refusing to tell your partner about them or just feeling conflicted about the whole situation then you are most likely having an affair. One of the toughest things I struggled with at the onset of my career 12 years ago was learning to allow people their full session of ‘Falsification’ without interrupting. Clients most times know they are having affairs but yet deny it themselves even after being caught or confronted by a partner. If it’s a friendly outing then your partner needs to know.
4. You Suddenly Feel ‘DESIRED’ and ‘POWERFUL’
When you begin to contemplate an affair while married it simply means that your relationship has gone sour. If there was ever a thing as the benefits of having an affair, I would list the opportunity to sincerely fix your relationship with your spouse or an opportunity to love again. When you do not build your relationship it dies. An affair has such a powerful pull because it makes you feel both desirable and powerful all at once. The two things you lose when your relationship settles into a comfortable crawl. Rather than work towards correcting this, many individuals would rather seek thrills outside of their marriage or relationship.
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5. You Start Avoiding REAL Intimacy With your Partner
When you start having an emotional affair, one of the things you lose is the intimate connection you once had with your partner. No deep conversations, moments or emotions are shared anymore. Most times the affair becomes the real avoidance mechanism for shying away from intimacy with a partner. At this point a partner cannot have deep conversations or share their feelings with you but rather would discuss it with an outsider just to maintain that distance between you and them. At this time, it would also be important to note this. especially with the up rise in the number of men and women attracted to married folk or people in committed relationships.
An attraction to a married person or someone in a committed relationship over 82% of the time points towards feeling unworthy and undeserving of a complete loving relationship that includes a give and take – both emotionally and physically.
6. The state of complete Obsession
Like a high-school kid in love, this person takes over your thoughts. Your routine and schedule now gets tinkered with to accommodate this person. Feelings begin to intensify and deepen at this stage. When you do not receive their messages you become very anxious regardless of who is watching. You start to take out your aggression on your partner, kids or anyone else who you consciously or unconsciously perceive to be a deterrent towards making this new relationship a lot more convenient for you.
This is the point where things begin to get dangerous because they have finally gained full control of your mental space. This means that at this point, they can be right there in the bedroom with you and your spouse even if not physically. At this point clients begin to build up libido with mental images of this person. After all, the aim is to satisfy your spouse RIGHT? Your sex life with you and your partner suddenly seems boring because there is a secret craving to sleep with this other person rather than your partner. Now the real problems begin.
7. The COMPLAINTS stage
All of a sudden you will come to realize that your spouse is not meeting up to most of your expectations. In fact you are really disappointed with them. Rather than reaching out to your former support structures of friends, siblings, in-laws etc. You would rather call on this one person who understands you more than everybody else in the world right now.
If you happen to be at this stage currently in your marriage or relationship, it’s the perfect time to seek out other healthy support systems you may require asides from your spouse. You could register for an online class, join a book club, schedule hang-out sessions with friends or simply connect via call with your family a lot more. This could help you not rely on your partners attention or lack of it.
8. Now you are LYING about the other person
It’s already bad enough that you are hiding a potential emotional affair from your spouse but having to lie about it is another level of deceit. Lying to someone who is supposed to rely on you 100 percent is your first step towards actual physical infidelity. The only two ways to stop this is by either speaking to your spouse about your struggle or simply speaking to someone else who you and your spouse trusts, holds in high esteem and relies upon.
The general idea is to become accountable and improve on your marriage again.
9. Requiring Support and Celebrating Successes with the other person
At this point it’s important to take note of who you run to when amazing things happen to you. Once this person isn’t your spouse, then you might have a much bigger problem on your hands than anticipated at the beginning of this article. Couples in healthy marriages turn to each other to celebrate happy times and also get support during bleak times. ONCE YOU ARE NOT RELYING ON YOUR PARTNER FOR THIS, you may have just replaced them emotionally. If this is the current state of affairs in your marriage then it’s time to work on your marriage and a good place to start is by asking your spouse for support. If they struggle with this, then it’s time to talk about it and get help from a professional near you.
Firstly, if you still do not think you are having an emotional affair and none of the points I mentioned resonate, then its a good time to go do something else and wait for my next article. However, if you know you were definitely having an emotional affair and have no plans of breaking up with your partner then you have taken the first step which is admitting that you were having an affair.
I wish I could tell you to go back to your crush and request that both of you remain business partners or friends. Unfortunately my usual advice is that you completely cut off ties with them. Most professionals are still divided on IF you should tell your partner that you had been embroiled in an emotional affair especially if there was no physical intimacy. I believe that this is the true test of honesty and friendship between partners and should be discussed. Other therapists may advice that you keep it under wraps and save your partner the emotional torture since nothing happened and all has been handled with ties cut.
My opinion is that the best marriages are the ones where both partners are mature and vulnerable enough to clean out their closets, communicate healthily and rebuild trust after it has been shaken. Whatever you try to hide, OWNS YOU. – Temple Obike
Couples therapy could help you and your partner rebuild intimacy and connect on a much deeper level than before. i would love to leave you with one piece of information. Your partner will NEVER be the most attractive person in every room or place and as long as you are constantly searching for a distraction, you will always find one. If you constantly find yourself in situations where you are looking, the real solution is to opt in for therapy and find out WHY you are doing this after which you can then understand how to stop.
This is a good place to end today’s piece and don’t forget that an emotional affair nipped at the bud is an opportunity to strengthen a union and make it better.
A Hero Complex Always Makes You Want to ‘Save’ People
The Hero Complex, sometimes called the Hero Syndrome or Savior Complex, is when someone strives to be the hero of the situation. No matter the situation or the odds, they want to be the ones that save the day. In some definitions, a person with a hero complex will even create situations that inconvenience or harm others, just so they can take credit for fixing it later.
Is the Hero Complex a mental disorder?
No. While the Hero Complex is mainly a psychological phenomenon, it is not a diagnosable disorder or a clinical term. However, the reported symptoms of the Hero Complex (such as an exaggerated sense of self-worth), is similar to a grandiose delusion, also known as delusions of grandeur. Patients of GD consider themselves famous, wealthy, and powerful, sometimes even referring to themselves in divine terms.
The Hero Syndrome in the Workplace
Many believe that Hero Syndrome is commonly found in people with civil service jobs: police, firemen, and doctors. But the truth is that Hero Syndrome will be found just about anywhere with an office. You may work for them, or they may work for you. In fact, you may even have a Hero Complex!
Although it may seem negative, the Hero Complex is not necessarily a cause for concern. Some people simply want more recognition than others, which is common in an individualistic and capitalist culture. However, there are cases when Hero Complex could result in some dangerous situations.
The Dangers of the Hero Complex
Bitter and hostile environments – As you can imagine, having one person consistently boast about their achievements and abilities can grow old pretty quickly. In teams that require communication and teamwork, the one with Hero Complex may annoy and alienate his teammates.
An illusion of productivity – People with hero complexes may have an inflated sense of their heroism. Although they may remember saving the project before a deadline, other team members may remember them as the source for the delays in the first place.
Arrogance clouding judgment – Those concerned about their self-worth may prioritize their ego over their peers. The result- a focus on vanity metrics and titles over actual work. For example, a doctor may be so focused on getting a promotion that they may neglect their managerial duties in the hospital.
How to Identify the Hero Complex
Remember, the Hero Complex is not a diagnosable condition, so there’s no surefire way of knowing whether someone “has” the complex. But there are signs that may suggest a person is more likely to have the Hero Complex.
Showboating. People with Hero Complex like recognition- for their work, their clothes, their lifestyle.
Preaching or saving. Some people call it the Savior Complex because of their need to rescue those in need. They may be too quick to give advice or care more about the photo op at a charity event.
Narcissism. While showing off and helping others isn’t exactly a crime, it becomes questionable when the person is vain or self-centered. Narcissism is one of the telltale signs for a Hero Complex.
How to deal with the hero complex
Once again, not everyone with a hero complex will stir trouble. It’s perfectly acceptable if anybody is self-centered or boastful. Only when it begins to affect the work of the business do you need to consider your options.
If you suspect someone of having a disruptive hero complex, first assess why you came to that conclusion- is their behavior affecting the rest of the team’s mood? Does it result in less than acceptable work?
Talk to the person, or if you have an HR department, have someone mediate the conversation first. Let them know that while strong personalities are welcome, it should never make others feel miserable or less productive.
Teenage Marijuana Use: How to Keep Your Children Safe in a World That Normalizes Its Use
I want us to talk about teenage marijuana use and how to keep your children safe in a world that normalizes it’s use. Schools are on holidays and children are home. Many observant parents use this period in discovering unsettling truths about their teenagers from drugs, sexual activity or cultism (yes, even for the secondary school students). The cases around teenage marijuana use has become unsettling and seeing the level of desensitization around this topic does not help either.
Firstly, don’t get me started on the medicinal uses of Marijuana because we have researched, released publications and spoken on this as well. Today we will be focusing on our adolescents and teenagers. After all, I believe that even a parent who uses marijuana for whatever reason deep down does not want their child dependent on it.
It goes by many names Marijuana, Mary-J, weed, pot, dope, grass. They’re all different names for the same drug that comes from the cannabis plant. Smoke it, vape it, drink it or eat it, weed is still weed. Many now use it for relaxation or pleasure thereby desensitizing the society on it’s harmful side-effects. Drug Abuse in teenagers is a growing concern. The only way to even begin to prevent this occurrence is by having candid conversations around the topic with your ward.
Connecting with a teenager or adolescent during their formative years is important but many parents and guardians struggle to achieve this only after the emergence of a deadly habit. – Temple Obike
Connecting with your kids and making them free to have all kinds of conversations with you is a sure-fire way of reducing their chances of involvement with drugs or making mistakes. This activity must be carried out even up until their university days and we’ll into their adult life anytime the chance avails itself. An effort must be put into understanding their social and extracurricular events. This level of monitoring (it may not sound nice but it is beneficial in the long-run) can wield a measure of influence on the child positively.
WAYS TO STOP TEENAGERS FROM USING MARIJUANA
Build-up Their Self-confidence
As a dad of 3 amazing adolescents and 1 newbie teenager, i believed that the first step was for me to even get this children to become confident. I wouldn’t always be there but i could leave a mind-set that allows them make certain decisions based on what they know and not what someone thinks of them or asked them to do. This is one of the main reasons individuals get into drug use due to peer pressure.
The your teenage always ensure that you do the following;
- Engage in conversations about topics of interest.
- Show them failure is not final and let them watch you recover from mistakes.
- Encourage decision-making on their part
- Listen when they voice their opinions.
- Support team activities for them.
- Exemplify “healthy” giving and reception of compliments
- Always praise efforts but don’t celebrate mediocrity.
- Demonstrate positive self-talk for them
With these, you are well on your way to having kids who are very confident.
Have Regular Conversations With Them
Having a fairly regular conversation around “taboo topics” with your adolescents is going to be one of your biggest strategies in ensuring that they do not use marijuana or any other drug. Tell them about various strains, it’s medicinal use and the adverse side effects of using it.
Marijuana is the most commonly used illicit drug and more than 39% of it’s users started before Senior Secondary 1 class.
Any question from your kid that gives you the opportunity to delve into the adverse effects of drugs MUST be taken.
Discuss it’s Adverse Effects & Risks
The media has desensitized the populace especially children, adolescents and teenagers on the adverse effects of drug use. With different countries legalizing marijuana, many teens assume it is safe.
The celebrities and influencers haven’t also helped in passing this message across because it is mostly “glorified” in white light as something relied upon for depth and inspiration. Marijuana like other substances such as coffee, alcohol, steroids, cigarettes’ etc. is always going to be dangerous if used recreationally. Legal does not always mean safe. This is the mantra you must entrench in their minds because that’s the angle peer pressure will mostly be introduced from.
Marijuana will alter your sense of judgement, predispose you to risky sexual activity, affect your motor coordination, induce psychosis and amplify paranoia. Take it as both a professional and experiential advice from someone who was once a youth and faced peer pressure on a local and international scale.
– Temple Obike
Tell your teenager that their brain is still developing and Marijuana use will impair their brain function. this happens because it changes the development pattern and leads to a potential addiction. Tell them their short-term memory will be affected making it difficult for them to retain what they’ve learnt. What this means in the long run is that the teenager will struggle with learning and this increases their chances of giving up on education.
Simply put, Marijuana is an IQ assassin.
It’s A Plant So Can’t Do No Harm (That’s not True)
This is one of the points that would be raised by their friends or others trying to lure them into this lane. Make your teenager understand that the fact marijuana is a plant does not make it safe. There are many dangerous plants used for medicinal purposes.
Some ingredients in cannabis are very psychoactive (mind-altering), but others are not. The processing and growth factors relied upon by the manufacturer/farmer is what determines how potent or balanced the plant is. It is therefore not farfetched to believe that a local street dealer would go for the finest strain. This is the reason you have it come with menacing street names such as Igbo! Kpoli ! Kush! Deaf! Eja! Pot! Weed! Ganja! Hemp! Dope! Grass! Reefer! Ewe! Oja! Wee-Wee! (Feel free to expand).
Know Who Their Friends Are
This is one of the most important things you could do for your child. Do not stop at the image their friends sell to you. Get to know their parents, their home set-up, value systems etc. Make your home open for friends to come visit (all genders). Watch the dynamics of their relationship. Does your teenager suddenly forget everything you taught them, act mean to their siblings, lose themselves, become less confident in the presence of this friend? Sorry to sound overbearing and while i believe that you can only do what you can do, I also know that with kids, your opportunities for impact dwindle as they get older.
It’s becoming a bit too frequent in my practice to see clients sit down and surprisingly bash a parent who was too nice. The one who allowed them get away with everything suddenly becomes the enemy.
After you have noticed everything you need to know about their friends, you can then suggest (not enforce) who you believe is a good option for them. This is one of the true tests of how highly they trust your input. Teach them that the real qualities to look out for when choosing a friend are loyalty, respect, honesty and integrity. Personally, I love all these qualities but won’t pretend that a kid who loves God automatically fits into our household. A good friend could support your kid at a time when they need someone else to be strong for them and this is why you must be sure of who they mix up with.
Rules, Limits and discipline are a Must
Many parents who raised kids who are now in my current age bracket made loads of mistakes. However these mistakes are things most of these children can look back at now and laugh about. In contrast, it beats me on how a generation who is obviously informed, read, exposed and more suddenly threw away one of the most important things that made them the people they are becoming today. Rules and Limits.
A walk through the mall and you see a kid punching a parent for denying them an opportunity to have candy. In a desperate attempt at conviction you suddenly then hear the parent shouting in the best accent money can buy on the kid. In a bid to maybe convince everyone around on the level of effort they put in at home. The real issue is that the first lesson was lost. You do not take unless mama or papa gives their permission. Those are rules and limits. It comes first. – Temple Obike
As much as i will never be caught trying to give my “not-sought-for” opinion on how another parent should raise their kids, it’s heart-breaking seeing kids being praised for mediocre achievement. Kids not getting spanked a little for bad behavior because it’s no longer cool. Wow! We think the world is filled with narcissists’ but it’s painful seeing spouses who claim their partners are narcissists raising the next super-generation of narcissists. Parents, rules, limits and discipline when necessary are still a MUST.
Here are some rules that could help you ensure that you’re not to out of the joint with your teenagers development;
- Let’s create a code that once you say it, I will know you are in danger and need me to help you exit somewhere e.g Calling me and saying “Daddy, are we still going? Ok i am ready”
- Do not allow friends come to the house if i or your mum are not home (this helps with curbing sexual abuse too).
- A no uncles/aunties home once the kids hit ages 5 and above (sad as it sounds but that’s the reality of the times)
- We need at least 48 hours to allow sleep-overs. This allows me talk to the other parents and check out the situation before giving my consent. (personally, my kids do not sleep in no-ones house until they are of age).
- If you go out, your location must be activated and your Life360app must be active
- If there will be no parent at the party, you are not going
- Memorize your parents phone numbers and recite it before going out.
- Always give me the address of ANYWHERE you will be going to.
- Whatever movies/shows you watch MUST be run through mum and dad
- Whatever songs you listen to MUST be age-appropriate and because it’s trending or known by everyone else in school still does NOT make it okay.
Setting rules is important but administering punishments when they are broken will make your teens more likely to adhere to family rules. On the other hand, reward good choices sparingly when your teen makes them.
Enlist for Drug Prevention Programs
Getting involved in drug abuse prevention programs in your community or your child’s school is a key step to curbing this menace. Most of these programmes will randomly test participants on a monthly basis and this keeps teens accountable. Even when under pressure by peers, they would most likely not indulge because they do not want to fail random drug tests.
SIGNS YOUR TEENAGER MAY BE ON DRUGS
These signs come as either behavioral or physical indicators. Many parents in therapy mention that they didn’t see the signs that something was wrong with their teenager despite the fact that the teenager would have exhibited both types of signs. These signs are a whole lot and just one of them is enough to get your antenna’s up. Missing out on all of them is simply carelessness:
- Avoiding eye contact
- Ignoring or breaking curfew
- Acting irresponsibly
- Frequently asking for money
- Locking bedroom doors
- Making secretive calls
- Isolating from others/damaging relationships with family or friends
- Making excuses (or outright lying)
- Withdrawing from classroom participation/slipping in grades
- Resisting discipline or feedback
- Missing school or work
- Losing interest in hobbies or activities
- Abandoning long-time friends
- Poor hygiene/change in appearance
- Glazed or bloodshot eyes
- Frequent runny nose or nosebleeds
- Paranoia, irritability, anxiety, fidgeting
- Changes in mood or attitude
- Difficulty staying on task/staying focused
- Small track marks on arms or legs (wears long sleeves even in warm weather)
- Pupils larger or smaller than usual
- Cold, sweaty palms or shaking hands
- Sores on mouth
- Puffy, swollen face
- Extremely tired or extremely hyperactive
- Rapid weight gain or loss
Well, this article may have been a buzz-kill but trust me when i say it was absolutely necessary. Primary school kids are now being introduced to marijuana, tramadol, hemp etc. The world we live in today is so spontaneous that you can’t protect these kids enough. They must be armed with the truth that will allow them make good decisions for themselves. Regardless of where you are at this moment, I can guarantee you that less than 2 miles from you is a dealer who knows at least 1 person who knows your teenager.
If you’d like to speak with someone regarding your teenagers drug use or behavioral issues, feel free to contact us via email.
How to Survive an Unhappy Marriage (for the spouse who wants to keep trying)
We are discussing how to survive an unhappy marriage . Marriage was never meant to be survived. It was meant to be enjoyed, cherished and exciting even with its here and there challenges.
As a much younger therapist i would not have attempted a write-up with this title but with age comes new realities. Living in a happy marriage means that you and your partner are going through the experiences of marriage as a team. This definition by itself sheds light on what an unhappy marriage is. It is hell on earth and leaves you with feelings of shame, regret depression worthlessness and more.
I see many advisors on social media and their various advice on how to leave an unhappy marriage. Despite this advice, i have also noticed that these advisors are the ones who will never let anyone know once their marriages begin to struggle. – Temple Obike
People who take pride in their ability to walk away are usually the ones who try everything to privately fix a marriage that isn’t working. I may not be 100% correct but i believe this unwillingness to open up is tied into a certain pride in their ability to make good decisions.
This article is for anyone who is currently struggling and trying to at least make an unhappy marriage work.
Just before we proceed, I’d like to mention some tell-tale signs you may be in an unhappy marriage. If there is;
– A persistent issue with communication
– Physical emotional or verbal abuse
– Exclusion of respect for each other or by one party
– A lack of alignment in family priorities
– Pending and unhealed issues due to death, infidelity, financial concerns etc
– Struggle with Intimacy
It could be more than these points above but these are the constants in most unhappy marriages I have seen. At this point it is important to mention that 40% of the marriages around you today are unhappy. The divorce rates around you would attest to this fact. The other 60% comprise of both couples who are happy and those who despite being unhappy decide to keep going. This willingness to keep trying sometimes ends in unhappiness but at other times could also record improvements.
I liken this stage of marriage to the last few miles of a long-distance race. The athlete is metering out little spurts of oxygen. tired yet going the long distance. If you are in an unhappy marriage you must;
- Emotionally detach
- Begin a Self-healing Journey/ Re-discover Yourself
- Get Professional Help
- The List
You may shrug off the idea of staying in an unhappy marriage but if your partner has not become abusive and still accords you some respect you may not have a strong reason for leaving that marriage. Reasons such as not having enough finances saved, children, dreading loneliness etc. could keep people in an unhappy marriage. Some couples have gotten to that point where they manage to make this arrangement (though not ideal) work. On the other hand if your unhappiness has abuse as part of it, survival for you could mean a separation from that partner.
Coping with that marriage means that you need to;
Living with a roommate in university describes this mode. Both of you have some form of understanding that allows you get through the days. Unfortunately an unhappy marriage requires that you withdraw emotions and stopping any expectations that things might change. At this point you and your spouse will cater to the finances, children, family and other routine issues in marriage. despite these activities you must not allow yourself get drawn into emotional arguments.
I know this advice may trouble some of my dear readers but did you know that this is the point most marriages end in even without trying. The emotional turmoil, pain anxiety and trauma can be avoided with just this one step.
Begin a Self-healing Journey/Re-discover Yourself
Once you stop focusing on the emotional aspect of your marriage, you begin to actually look for other ways to make yourself happy. For many clients, they start to notice aspects of their life that has been neglected for a long while. The top areas of rediscovery were in self-care, career improvement, rebuilding valuable friendships, discovering a hobby/sport/craft and improving their parenting skills.
While all these activities may just represent a distraction to most, it would be amazing for you to remind yourself that your marriage is simply one important facet of your life. these other activities are also equally important. succeeding in one of the facets could also teach you resilience while attempting to succeed in the marital aspects of your life.
Get Professional Help
Being in a marriage over a long period has a way of unifying thought patterns. Two individuals suddenly become one and each spouse suddenly make up half of that unit. In some marriages where the marriage becomes dysfunctional you have also become a contributing agent to dysfunction. This is the point you need objectivity more than anything else.
A professional marriage therapist will provide you with this in couples therapy. At this point, you partner may not be willing to come along with you but dont let it dissuade you. going in for therapy to help yourself gives you perspective and depth on the issues at hand. If you discover you have contributed greatly towards driving your marriage to this point swallow your pride and start making amends with tools acquired in-therapy. at the end of this process you may just re-discover the better version of yourself formerly lost.
Now you have detached Emotionally, ee-duscovered yourself and gotten professional help. Your mind is as objective as you can be. This is my favourite part of the entire process only to be embarked upon once you’ve gotten clarity and objectivity.
Step 1: Get out a piece of paper and write out everything about your partner that you complain about
Step 2: Attach a timeline of how long you think it could take them to change this habit if they worked on it. Then double that timeline. Can you wait that long?
Step 3: Write out every negative about yourself that you discovered in therapy. The ones you have succeed in changing write it out but for the ones you still struggle with write out how long you think it may take you to change. Then double it.
Step 4: Request for a conversation with your spouse in a civil and respectful manner. Depending on what both of you enjoy, you can have it in a relaxed atmosphere or without the kids there.
Step 5: Discuss these points as candidly as you can with each other. Do not get drawn into an emotional exchange because you have dealt with this in point 1(Emotionally detach).
After these conversations, the next steps for your marriage would be crystal clear.
I am only mentioning this aspects because it would only be fair on your part to consider the role these other factors may have played in bringing your marriage to this point. This is not a time to wiggle out by saying that if it affected your marriage that was simply because your partner allowed it happen. If this was so, you could have also been strong enough to handle the adverse effects this had on your marriage by staying strong for the both of you until your partner came around. Afterall you don’t allow situations affect you. This objective approach to assessment would help both of you.
Deciding to stay in an unhappy marriage rather than getting a divorce will test you in unprecedented ways. However for couples who learn to navigate this with the points mentioned, most end up finding their way back and reconnecting emotionally. your ability to exude confidence and stand alone when absolutely necessary is an attractive trait.
Deciding to stay in an unhappy marriage does not make you weak contrary to what popular opinions out there tout rather it takes strength to do this (as long as it’s not for the sole focus of still answering Mr. or Mrs./Pretending all is still well). I truly hope this deciscion would turn out for the best for you and your partner. if you would like us to also assist your marriage, do not fail to reach out to us.
The Damage Predictor Test
This exercise is for every couple who truly need to know if their marriage is in any form of crisis. after taking the test you can score it yourselves. send the part B to anyone who you trust to tell you the whole truth about yourself.
This may not have been the most exciting of articles especially if you are caught up in a situation-ship as they call it at you workplace. However i just told you everything you need to help you navigate this affair and come out clean without losing your job or your home. If you’d like to let us know how this went for you, feel free to contact us via email.
Workplace Extramarital Office Affairs: How To End It maybe retain your job
Workplace extramarital office affairs are more rampant than we think. In a work environment, sharing accomplishments, risk and intensity can open up new levels of intimacy between colleagues. The long hours put in at the office in close proximity with that colleague does not help either. If these situations aren’t handled properly it could trigger the budding of a work-place affair.
Office Extramarital Affair Facts You Should Know…
After understudying workplace affairs for a period, a pattern began to emerge. Facts that I believe everyone currently involved in or romanticizing with the idea of kicking off an office affair should know.
- 39% of workers had relationships in the office at least once
- 35% have kept office affairs hidden and tried to sort it out even though they knew it affected their work
- 24% are attracted to someone of the opposite sex who had similar jobs
- Office Affairs were most common in the following sectors: Banking & Finance, Hospitality & Leisure, Information Technology, Healthcare, Media/Entertainment and Business Service
Only about 17% of these affairs end in marriage. The other 83% ends in personal, marital and professional problems with far reaching consequences that would be discussed in the real world by ex-colleagues many years later (when they see you). The decision to either continue with or end an extramarital office affair is something I totally leave up to you. However this article is for the latter group. The hardest part about having a workplace affair is seeing each other after you have decided to end things with an affair partner. However its not a totally lost cause because there are basic steps you could take to begin correcting this mess.
After being blessed enough to sit with individuals going through the issues associated with an office affair, i am going to give you the quickest way to end an office affair and MAYBE still get to keep your job.
Cut Down The Time Spent Together
You need to start creating some distance between yourself and this affair partner. What you will achieve with this is to gradually bring back the correct work ambience you both enjoyed before the fall (sorry, before the affair began). This is the point you need to start bringing food to the office so you don’t need to go to lunch together. When a task has been completed take your belongings and leave. When you end things quick, that is what is considered a real ending. These measures help you quickly bury the relationship. You know everywhere both of you used to bump into each other? the backroom, the cafeteria please avoid all those places when you know they would be there.
Do not expect that these evasion tact’s of yours would be welcome with an understanding nod. Harassment or blackmail might become something they resort to in a bid to get back at you for stopping something made in heaven and breaking their already broken heart. Your job at this point is to quietly gather all the messages, record conversations, take screenshots and then taking it to the company’s HR department. At this point, if your ex-affair partner is a drama king/queen who does not mind losing their job as long as they take you down with them, you have to make a quick decision to either get a new job or get transferred to another department/team. If their job is still important to them then you have to let them understand that your lawyer already has the fact file gathered and one other bleep from them would have you filing a harassment lawsuit.
Do Not Beat Around The Subject
Now you have done a good job at avoiding them but somehow they managed to corner you and want an explanation to what is happening. Directly tell them you are done. Do not say it in a way that makes them believe there is still hope of rekindling things with you. Inform them you want to work on your marriage and clearly state that you do not want them contacting you. This saves you loads of texts, chats, emails or phone calls on the subject. At this point, if your spouse has found out about this affair a well written break-up letter will help them stay in the loop on how things are going and shows your seriousness towards ending the affair.
Do not Allow Them Contact You Again (discard every memorabilia)
When you are having an affair Adrenaline and serotonin are two basic hormones pumping through your veins. One takes care of the pleasure and the other handles the edgy feel. This is somewhat similar to what keeps an addict constantly in a loop. This is the point you must inform your spouse that they tried to initiate contact. Having an accountability partner works at this point. If your spouse is not aware simply get a professional therapist bound by client confidentiality agreements to help you navigate this period. This is the point you limit contact via phone, personal email, social networks or otherwise, and also blocking future messages. If they got you anything burn it or give it away. This steps will help you break the urge to want to go back.
Sort Out What’s Missing in Your Marriage
Now that you have been able to cut yourself off and maintain the discipline to sustain those decisions of yours, this is the time to work on your marriage with your spouse. My workbook on Affair recovery could help at this point because the thing your partner wants to know is not “How sorry you are”. They first want you to answer the question why. The time for apologies will come but its not the main thing. Communication must be worked on reflections around what you did wrong must happen. Then seek out a professional marriage therapist around you to assist the both of you at this point. If your partner on the other hand is not aware of the affair , then you have to make the big decision of informing your partner about what you did or not. If you finally decide not to tell your partner you have to be sure the reasons behind that decision is properly vetted because if it isn’t that could become the springboard for another affair.
Research has shown that when you confess to having had an affair a third of many relationships survive infidelity but when you have been caught it’s usually harder rebuilding trust and getting to the point of forgiveness.
To anyone out there struggling with similar issues my general advice is always this. If you feel an attraction to someone in your office, consider a transfer to a different department, a different position, or maybe you should quit. No job is more valuable than your marriage. Being honest with yourself is the first starting point. If you’re dressing real nice to catch the attention of a co-worker, you better stop before you lose it totally. Hanging around the office common areas hoping to bump into that person does not help either. Not only is it cheap especially if its just a fling for the other person its just downright wrong. If your spouse was there you would definitely not be doing all of that. That is your first boundary. Secondly if there are issues with you and your spouse and maybe you feel a bit justified doing what you’re doing, then use a spiritual boundary, If God was in front of you, would you be doing this? If this does not stop you either then my brother, my sister i drop my case. Whatever you have to hide or lie about, don’t do it at all.
This may not have been the most exciting of articles especially if you are caught up in a situation-ship as they call it at you workplace. However i just told you everything you need to help you navigate this affair and come out clean without losing your job or your home. If you’d like to let us know how this went for you, feel free to contact us via email.
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